A Sometimes Cynical Activist

Screw Hallmark!

2011-09-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

My life is not measured by days on a calendar and does not wait to finally come alive once the week is through. If we live a hallmark life we will believe that our lives jump from one holiday to the next. That we need to always be celebrating something, and feeling poorly if we are not. Life has more meaning than this! My life is not measured by the movies I have recently seen or the books I have read. Not to sound like I am developing a conspiracy but there are a lot of agencies out there that benefit from us being plugged in and tuned out. I think of Wall-e, and the humans that were fat, rolling around in their chairs completely clueless about their plight. Sometimes it might not feel good to be "awake." I definitely have the urge to just find a way to shut off. There are so many ways to distract ourselves but life is happening all around us. Life is now and is one endless beautiful day. In this one day you can fall in and out of love, create or invent something that will change the world, or touch someone's life forever. I will not belittle the gift of life that I have been given by giving it an expiration date. Once we know that there is no end we will slow down from our maddening speed. We will get off the ride we have been on and hopefully will really see one another for the first time. Hello and welcome to your life, it has been waiting.

CAMP!

2011-09-05T17:25:00.000-07:00

I just got home from a wonderful long labor day weekend in the woods in the San Bernardino mountains in California. What was so special about this trip was not just the fresh air, the gorgeous trees reaching the clear sky, the star filled sky at night, or even the great food. This was a camp specially for Unitarian Universalist youth from ages 18 to 35. Although we have a really good group of people my age at my church in Studio City it was wonderful to be around over a 100 UU's in one place. Over a hundred people that are open, loving, and caring people who have similar values as me. In just the four days I was there we formed a living community. I met incredible people who I was able to talk openly with and share my stories.

One of the most incredible moments of the weekend was the workshop I went to. It spanned Saturday and Sunday and was called "Shift Happens" which was a curriculum written by David one of the ministers in Southern California. I will try to do it justice but participating experientially was so powerful that it might be difficult. The concept is that everyone has paradigms or "lenses" that have been developed from the experiences we have had and the knowledge we are introduced to along the way. Such experiences that can influence how are paradigms are developed can include things such as poverty, divorce, religion, education, or religion. We did what is called a "diversity shuffle." This means we walked over to the group which represented a certain group such as growing up in a rural area. We discussed how it felt to be in the majority or minority group. For example I felt some shame and guilt when I walked over to the group representing that my parents did not graduate from college. I was probably one of three out of a big group where this was the case. I am proud of my parents and I felt extreme guilt that I would feel shame about their education level. I feel that this could be some sort of projection as I had so many things counting against me about getting a higher education. It was also very difficult to be the minority and feel that there might be some judgment. This workshop however helped me to see that if we are truly open to each other stories and where we come from there would be no judgment. If I feel I am being judged in the future it helps to understand that this is a lack of knowledge about my story and where I am coming from. Similarly instead of being frustrated or angry about someone's beliefs I can try to transform that into curiosity about their story.

The second part of this workshop was telling our story about a shift in our lives which changed the way we saw things. This was extremely emotional for me as I shared my story of adoption and my journey into removing the fear of abandonment. Although it might be unfair to say that I have removed the fear. It is definitely under the surface and can be triggered but I have found ways to keep it more in my conscious mind and not allow it to affect my emotions or actions. Basically just living with gratitude and trying to live in the current moment. We were all given five minutes to share our story. I probably got through 10 words before I started crying. I got through it because I was determined to complete my story but damn it was hard. It was really amazing to feel heard and held by the group. They sat and listened without comment and I felt very accepted. After wards we shared how we felt about the process. I shared that I was still surprised after all this time that the wound is still there and that there is still so emotion behind it. I got a huge hug from someone from my group after wards which was so nice. It was one of those wonderful experiences that changes your perspective and I am so grateful for it.

The rest of the weekend was so incredible. One of my favorite moments was getting up early and doing yoga and Tai chi. There was this great guy Dane who is an energy practitioner, body worker, and also teaches Tai Chi. I impulsively asked him to teach me some Tai Chi which resulted in getting a wonderful lesson two days in a row! It was such a gift. Dane stated 10 minutes of Tai Chi a day is better than than 10 minutes of sleep and is really all you need each day to balance your body and energy. The community meals, dance, swimming,talent show, hikes, games, songs, and worship all added up to an amazing time! I hope to maintain some inspiration and creativity that I feel I have gained this weekend. One of the readings that stayed with me was letting your passion burn inside and then burn so bright that it consumes you and you are on fire with it. I hope to continue to burn brightly.

Living with out intentions

2011-08-09T22:11:00.001-07:00

With life being at such a neck breaking pace it is easy to go on auto pilot. It's easy to overlook what seems to be mundane questions such as what is in the food we buy, the products that we use? Where do they come from? What do the companies which we support believe in? Do they support the local community? Do they do animal testing? Do they support and promote fair labor laws. Every time that I buy something I am voting. By buying food locally I am voting for more local products. It is amazing how powerful we truly are! I was happy to see that the local organic fruit is no longer contained by a small little corner of the grocery store but is spread out further out in the produce aisle. I find it really difficult to make conscious choices about everything I buy. I don't do research every product but I try to look at what I am buying and try to make the best choice which will have the least impact on the earth. One issue that really means a lot to me right now is boycotting products that still do animal testing. Its really horrific that this is still happening. Should animals suffer needlessly so you can have that new mascara that is extra plumping? How toxic are the products that you are putting on or in your body if they have to go through such rigorous testing? Its basically a two fold solution. Less toxic products for me and supporting cruelty free products. So I am going to make a pledge to start buying only products which do not do animal testing. I am going through all my products now and am going to try to find alternatives. So far I found that St. Ives creates body wash which states is mostly all natural products and does not do animal testing. They also have a facial wash. I have been using dove and garnier products which sadly both still test on animals. I am planning to write letters to both companies and let them know that until they switch to not testing on animals that I will stop using their products. I know alone its hard to see that we can change a corporate business' way of thinking but multiply that and we can change the way things are done.

Take the pledge!!
https://secure.peta.org/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=2061

Election Tuesday

2010-11-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the Democratic and Republican party are like angry parents arguing and the American people are the children worried that they did something wrong, kept in a constant heightened level of fear by all the fighting, while they say that they are trying to do the best by us. The system has seemed to swallow up even the best of intentions. Sure perhaps at one point Democrats and the Republicans saw more eye to eye but resentment has grown so much between parties that no matter the amount of couples counseling, we are heading into a divorce if they are not all ready separated.

Nothing seems possible in a country or "family" that is so divided. I know a lot of people are jaded right now and I can't blame them. It is difficult to remain optimistic when neither party is willing to go that extra centimeter, forget the mile.

On the other side perhaps our "parents" wouldn't be arguing so much if the American people could be more unified with what we want and really put in the work of getting it. Now the American people are for the most part very hard working people, that is not what I am saying but we forget how much power we have as consumers, voters, etc. We spend so much time thinking that we are powerless but the country doesn't run on some selected officials, it doesn't run on dunkins, it runs on us!

If we decide to wake up, if we decide to stop making decisions based in fear and think pragmatically about the overall good for this country as a whole and the people that are in it (including same sex couples, immigrants, etc) than we can truly become a strong nation again. If we allow all these things to divide us further versus uniting us than we will be lost as a country and people.

So if you are planning to vote tomorrow, I hope that you keep in mind that we are all in this together. This isn't a big king of the hill game although sometimes it sure feels like it. I remember in that game, the king doesn't stay kill of the hill for very long.

Active!!

2010-10-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

I am feeling like I am coming out of a spiritual/emotional hibernation right now and am wanting to be active. I am very excited that I am part of a lot of projects and activities at the church including the Community Garden and the task team for the Green Action Group (GAG)I laugh at the acronym. Also still on the Social Action Committee. I love that the church is so supportive and a wonderful place to really act out my intentions and passions. Although excited, it is also daunting when you commit to a lot of groups. I guess it is nerve wracking to depend on one another especially in a group setting. We had our first Green Action Group meetings and it seemed to be a good preliminary meeting. I am actually part of the core group which will be seeing through the church becoming a green sanctuary. It is also very exciting. There are some strong minds in the group and sometimes I have difficulty getting forth what I think or feel if I am being over powered. It is good for me however and part of my continued growth. Along with being involved in these groups I am also looking forward to being more physically active, do more artistic activities, and spend good time with friends.

Flying with some difficulty!

2010-08-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I went to an Aerial Fitness class at the Cirque School in Hollywood, CA. Recently I feel like I need to get back in balance with my mind/heart/body. I have a bad habit of getting too cerebral and losing track of keeping my body healthy and happy. I think this is a bad habit of a lot of people. We always have things to occupy our mind and keep our attention. Of course media encourages us to stay sexy/healthy and exercise about 30 a minutes a day but messages put out there seem unachievable and does not take in account how busy we all get. Anyway I had a great time and it was nice to get myself out of my comfort zone. My friend Jace and I both had butterflies in our stomachs before we went. Its a beautiful space surprisingly as it is right on Hollywood Blvd. It is set back in an alley and is a nice open gymnasium with trapezes and silk hanging from the ceiling. Immediately I caught the playful energy that was all around. We sat on couches and filled out our forms saying we wouldn't sue if we broke our necks and played with the dogs that were lounging around. While waiting we got to watch some of the workouts going on and people doing tricks. It was pretty impressive. Secretly I always wanted to do the silk that I saw at the circus. It just looks so beautiful, and I love things that are seamless like that.

Our workout was extreme to say the least. It opened with some pilates with a ball and it was a fun playful warm up which was pretty challenging. We broke into pairs and Jace and I started at the first station....a rope! Its funny because we had joked about the rope in gym class and the fact that we both do not have much arm strength. With yoga they have gotten better but I still felt intimidated. Well luckily we didn't have to climb it. We did have to lay on our backs and then hand over hand slowly bring ourselves up to standing and then back down again. Damn was this hard. The rest of the workout was equally hard and focused on a lot of core and arm strengthening. We hung from the trapeze and then had to bring ourselves up and then back down again. What a core workout, while you are scared that you are going to fall and break your neck. After the second one I was nervous as I felt like I was getting weaker but was able to finish three. We went on the silk and I did a summersault on it. What was nice was time was up and I was mentally blocked on doing. It is a little daunting but she was determined to have me do it and I was glad. The problem was we had given our all and were so exhausted but then realized we had to go around to the stations all over again!! This time they even choose more difficult exercises to do around the station. I had to sit out once as I was feeling really dizzy and overheated. Even though my pride was telling me finish it I listened to my body and only sat out one station and was back again. This time as we went through the stations I was able to do another trick on the silk. This time I was able to let go and hang without my hands! It did hurt/pinch a bit but was very excited.

I feel that it is very healthy to do things that challenge you and put a little fear into you. It helps to keep you determined and up for anything! I am hoping to pay for a series and get better and better at this.

Green Sanctuary!

2010-08-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

More on the environmental activist side of things. The social action committee and ourselves are tackling the mission to get our UU church on the band wagon to become a green sanctuary. We are going to be doing this by having an event later in September, where we will show this movie Renewal: Stories for America's Religious-Environmental Movement and plan to have a discussion after wards. We are working on collaborating with religious exploration, which is the area of the church that works with all the children. We will especially be working with the teens that have shared a passion in having the congregation become a green sanctuary. We are planning on making this an event and plan to have it be completely sustainable. All the food will be locally grown, all recycled biodegradable paper products, etc.

The hope is that this event will start a momentum going and we can develop a commitment from people interested in starting a committee. Realistically this type of project could take years and cost a lot. We have to be realistic about what things we can tackle without putting a lot of money into it. We already have reusable mugs we use every Sunday. That is example of the type of small changes we can make but other things like changing all the toilets to low flow will take a lot of money and time. Hopefully this will have a secondary impact with the teens. We are hoping to have them as leaders in this movement which will help them in developing greater feelings of self efficacy and empowerment.

So very excited about this and all the great things we are doing at the church. I am also planning to join the committee on developing a community garden at the church. Very excited. It will be so amazing to be a part of such a project.

IT'S BEEN A YEAR

2010-06-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

Wow it's been a year since I turned 30, and since I went through the month of rituals that took me on such an in depth investigation of myself. This year for my birthday I went to Vegas for my friend Erin's wedding. It was incredible to get a way and although there was some running around and activities to do, I enjoyed the time where I spent with myself. Those moments are so rare now and it was a good reminder that I do indeed like my own company and to take time away to spend with myself. I got a massage in for my birthday, haha that might be my birthday ritual as I went to the spa on my birthday the year before. Anyways, there was one ritual that I thought that I would keep with. This one was initially recommended by my friend Jessica and involves writing a letter to yourself for your next year's birthday. So on my birthday I was the first one to wish myself a happy birthday.

I'd like to share what I wrote:
Happy 31st!
It's been a year. I wonder where you are right now. Is everything familiar or would I not recognize the life you have now? At 29 and almost 30 I am really happy with my life right now. Sure some things are up in the air still. I am hoping for a job in my field, the stipend is starting to wind down. July 21st is when supposedly that's it, presto! supposed to have a job. I have faith in you though that you can do it. You have the determination and the passion. You probably will laugh when you read this having found some place or something that makes you feel happy and fulfilled. I hope so. I hope that you don't ever let any self doubt ever stop you. You have it all inside of you, you just have to own it. I think the desire to want to help others is more important then skill. That can be developed over time but the real drive to want to help and the compassion cannot be bought. I hope that you have found a regular rhythm for your self, been able to integrate things that you love into your life. Its so easy to get caught up in the every day and forget about what you love. Right now Brian and I are so in love. Remember that is what is important is the two of you. Nothing could be more important. Don't let anything could that. It might just be a year from now until my 31st but every year has already brought so much change. No doubt another year will be the same. I think we are starting off with a good beginning. I am celebrating turning 30 and embracing it totally. Thought it was funny that someone at work was surprised that I had written I am turning 30! on the top of the flier. I actually at first didn't understand why I should be upset I am turning 30. I am grateful for everything I have received and accomplished before 30. Why shouldn't I celebrate it? So what do I hop for myself in a year from now? Just to continue to realize what is really important: friends,family, purpose. Purpose and career come third. I hope that you have gained more self confidence and assurance. You have done some much already that I am proud of. Keep up the good work!

Love Tessa (Your 29/almost 30 self) :)

-Response: It was really amazing to read this and see where I am now. I do have a job in the field now, working out of a psychiatric hospital where I am obtaining soo much knowledge. I am not receiving hours right now but soo much experience. Hoping to get this internship in Burbank and start seeing clients in August. I am integrating things/activities that I enjoy back into my life. I see my friends more often, go out, participate in planning events, etc. Something as simple as filling up my ipod, listening to music. I didn't have time to do that before when I was finishing school. There is one line in the letter that really helps me, "I think the desire to want to help others is more important then skill. That can be developed over time but the real drive to want to help and the compassion cannot be bought." Often times I psych myself out and this helps me to be comfortable where I am currently.

So I wrote another letter to myself which I will open when I turn 32. Looking forward to learning more from myself :)

To vegan or not to vegan

2010-03-22T22:19:00.001-07:00

As I have a nutty yummy vegan banana bread baking in the oven I am writing this entry. The concept of baking/cooking vegan has always been a mysterious endeavor that always intrigued me for many reasons. Besides the how I feel that health and eco wise makes a lot of sense. Now I am not even close to giving up my omnivore ways but I do want more options in my life where I can make/eat fresh good food when I am in such a mood although the next moment I might be struck by a desire for a big greasy slice of cheese pizza. I don't want to come from a point of depriving myself but be more aware of what products are out there and give myself more healthy options. I am pretty sick of packing the quick frozen meal, high sodium soup, etc. For instance, I just got a recipe to make tofu lettuce wraps that I am very excited to make this week.

I just bought this book called The 100 Best Vegan Baking Recipes. It is written by Kris Holecheck and holds numerous yummy contraptions including muffins/cakes/cookies/pies. Recipes like pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, french toast muffin, You are My Sunshine Loaf....will keep me busy for awhile. Luckily I have a husband and co workers that definitely welcome any sugary contributions.

So as go clean up a disastrous kitchen which has seen two wars today, first with the vegan baked mac and cheese I made (pretty good but have to get used to soy cheese) and now the banana bread I pledge to try to be adventurous even if sometimes it only goes afar as the kitchen . :)

Waste Not

2010-02-03T22:09:00.000-08:00

So back in my summer between elementary school and high school I went to this camp. We met some of the other kids from other schools in the area that would be going to the high school. We climbed ropes, learned about astrology, about team leadership, and the environment. What struck me most was at the dining hall where they actually took a measurement of all the food that was wasted at the end of the meal. Little by little over the days the amount that was wasted went down as we became more conscious of how much we put on our plate, etc.

Similarly over the last few years I have started to recycle more items and more regularly. This cut my trash in half or more! Also I try to buy items with the thoughts about the packaging and how easily it will be recycled. This can all be summed up with the concept of the carbon footprint but its more than that, its living consciously with every action you make and it is as important as the items you buy or throw away.

This feels even more important with so many people out of work and having difficulty feeding their families. A friend of a friend doesn't even have money for gas/food. This is real and its hitting home.

Recently trying to find ways to not waste food. Often times I would just go to the store and buy whatever I found appealing. Half of it would go bad because I would forget about it or not find a use for it. Now I try to think of what I have and how I can use it and trying to get creative. Tonight I'm making bread pudding for the first time. My husband always leaves all the bread ends so I would have 4/5 small bags of all these stale bread that I would throw out. Yuck. So instead transforming it into something yummy.

Something that seems disposable might have a use after all. I have found old yoplait yogurt containers to work very well to mix paints. Toothbrushes can be used to clean around the house. Although this might sound gross to some, some companies like Preserve will take back old Preserve tootbrushes/razors and will recycle them, www.preserveproducts.com through their Gimme5 program.

Companies like Salvation Army, Good Will, Got Junk will come and pick up items from you for free.

Will continue to share ideas of how to make small changes that ultimately will make a big impact!

My own small steps towards change

2009-11-19T22:21:00.001-08:00

So I feel as if I have been putting a lot of things off. Work has taken over a large portion of my life for the last four months. Before that was grad school, with barely a moment to think. There are really small things that I want to accomplish and that weigh on my mind. I am thinking about trying to tackle one a day, so little by little I can can feel back on track.

-Get back to drinking tea (just bought a tea kettle tonight!) - starting very very small, I have been drinking too much coffee and wasting too much money. So starting tomorrow will try to start drinking tea again. It helps me not get too hyper and then crash/burn

-Clean house top to bottom. Hire a housekeeper to get the place back to shape where it was before my life was sucked up with school and all.

-Get back into a hobby. There are lots that I used to really enjoy and eventually would like to get back involved with all of them but want to start with one first.
Hobbies - painting/violin/Spanish lessons/dance lessons/scrapbooking/martial arts

-Start a morning work out routine again.

-Get in touch with music...can't remember the last cd I bought

-travel - even small trips like maybe to the Grand Canyon or something. Love and miss road trips

-Do a hand stand in yoga! For some reason scares the bezuses out of me.

-Beat a video game on my own! I always get stuck on some point and don't finish. I have so many half finished games.

-Find a placement to get my hours. Saturday 11/21 I went to an info session at San Fernando Valley Counseling Center. I really liked it there. They are very low key and I love that they provide you with some much training and support. I'm going to submit my application there.

Giving thanks

2009-11-19T22:14:00.001-08:00

Taking an inventory right now of my life, I am very happy and feel so much gratitude for the people and opportunities I have in my life. It feels me with gigantic warmth when I think about my wonderful husband, home, friends, my job which I feel very passionate about, my health, my drive, my creativity, etc. It is really good to be in a place in my life where I can just slow down and be grateful. That is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday while although the history of Thanksgiving itself has some scary roots with the Pilgrims/Indians not being such bosom buddies as they are made out to be. Thanksgiving is about stopping and being grateful for everything we have in our lives. This is something I try to acknowledge every day. Perhaps it is because of the work that I do but I really do appreciate every moment I have with those I love as life is fleeting and can change in an instant.

So when things are becoming overwhelming just breathe in all the love and warmth that you have in your life and give thanks.

So much to say

2009-09-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

Really want to get back on track with updating my blog. I feel that there is so much going on in the world right now. Its almost difficult to know where to start. I feel very passionately about the healthcare reform debate, the environment, politics, etc. Where to even start? I feel that we are on the brink of something. I have heard the clicking of the tracks as we have clicked to the top, we are looking over the edge but we need to just let go of all our differences and fear. Our society in America seems so permeated with fear right now. Its thick with the stuff. Its a different kind of fear. With Bush we had the constant fear of attack. I think the Bush administration encouraged this. It sure played a huge part in Bush's re-election. Now the fear has become more personal. Instead of fear of a general attack, people are afraid that their way of life will be changed forever. Well it will be but this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. We should never go back to the way we were. Just over consuming with our heads down, only thing of our individual needs. There are broader wide spread concerns. Universal health care has to happen and if done right it will help to dig us out of our economic downfall. I have known to many people that have died needlessly due to no coverage. Our voice has become very important now. Now is the time to speak up and say what we want, ears are listening. I appreciate Obama's open door policy and openness to criticism of his policies. Healthcare reform is going to happen but what happens is also up to the American people if we just open our mouths and heart about what is truly best for everyone.

Back to my primary purpose of this blog

2009-08-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

My primary purpose of this blog was to bring up political/social/environmental issues that I feel passionate about and small ways in which I am trying to make a difference. I feel that I have been terribly out of the loop lately. I did just get back from my social action committee meeting at the U.U. church I belong to. We have been trying to develop a way to create a volunteer directory and pretty much get people off their butts and doing something. We had a service titled, service is our prayer and I think it got people thinking about the ways that they can effect change. Other than that I have been thinking a lot about the principles of my community psychology specialization and how I can influence the work that I do. One thing that I have found was that there is a serious lack of clothing at the hospital. Patients actually sometimes run around in gowns or the same clothes the whole week because they don't have anything else. This I see as harming the dignity of the individual. Everyone should have access to appropriate clothing. Administration wants to have a clothing drive which is wonderful but there is just so much clothes you can wring from the same pile of employees. I actually touched base with Buffalo Exchange which buys/trades clothes. They are willing to donate if someone picks up the clothes and if we send a letter of intent. I have shared this with administration which they were excited about and said they would do the letter. Its been like a week now and still nothing. I feel a need to help push this through and am thinking about writing the letter and to other local businesses that might be also willing to donate clothes. My little mission....

Pics of tattoo

2009-07-29T22:46:00.001-07:00

Oh wow, didn't realize I didn't have pics of my tattoo up. Its completely healed now. I really loved how it came out.

Exhausted!

2009-07-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

My new job as a case manager at Las Encinas Hospital calls for Speedy Gonzalez on crack. Its very fast paced and I am working every second nonstop from when I get there until I leave. I hope partially this is because of the learning curve and that things will lighten up as I get used to everything. I am going home completely wiped out every day and feel pretty useless when I get home. I am actually taking naps when I get home from work. Kind of sad... My hope is that I will get used to this routine so I can get a second job on the side where I can collect hours towards my license. Right now don't know if I could handle it. In another week my second job (old job) prob will end so hopefully will have more energy then.

Til then......

Over due update! Lots of exciting news!

2009-07-02T09:56:00.000-07:00

So much has happened. I was offered the position at Las Encinas and will start on July 13th! I feel really ready for this change. It was really wonderful to be able to go to my graduation ceremony on Sunday 6/28/09 and be able to greet/hug my teachers letting them know that I am going to be putting what I learned and worked for to practice. It will be hard to leave my current position. The work itself is often monotonous and unchallenging but putting a smile on a patient's face, consoling a family member, or finding that solution that helps the team and puts a patient at ease has been so rewarding. There is also the comfort of knowing what to expect. My day at work is broken down in comfortable repetitive activities. In the morning there is the slow step into the day with drinking coffee, eating breakfast, checking messages, etc. The same song comes on every morning around 10am. Its this disco fever song or something. That sort of marks that the day has begun and gets us busy. By 11 I have done some tasks and am gettign ready to go over to assist with the lunch program, meaning I help/visit with patients during lunch. I have my lunch and then the afternoon crawls on. I might write some notes, make some calls, spend time with patients/families, surf the web a bit. Its comfortable and generally unstressful. I know the team so well and how they will react to something I say. Although comfortable I feel myself screaming inside at times when things feel so repetitive. There is little change in the patients on my unit. This will be a far cry from my new job that will be nonstop running around from the sound of things.

So besides my new job, I just graduated formally. It was a really beautiful ceremony. I have been officially graudated with my masters in clinical psychology since the end of December but it is only now that it really feels final. It was an extremely hot day on Sunday, so the thought of downing a thick black robe with a velvet long cover did not sound so apealing. Luckily the ceremony was inside at the Roce Hall at UCLA, which was air conditioned. Portia picked me up and we drove excitedly to UCLA. It took us awhile to get situated and find where to park. We went in and met fellow students that we would graduate with. I got my card which said Theresa Collins Journeau. I had them change it to Theresa Collins but didn't think to change my line up number until later. I changed my line up so I would be with the C's and guess what! I was right next to my close friend Deborah Cluff. She was number 115 and they made me number 115.5. It felt so fitting because Deb and I have gone through this whole process together. There were many weekends when we cried, laughed with each other over material and things that came up at school. We dug in our souls during our master's program. During that process we had to bare our souls to each other. I feel as if I bared my soul the most with Deb as she did with me. My master's program has forever changed me for the better. It is one of the best things that I have done for myself and for others. It feels so amazing to know I am on the right path. Wow ok I just went on a tangent. Well regardless to say it was amazing to stand next to Deborah during the whole ceremony. I spotted my husband, good friend and neighbor Ginger, and our friends Meg and Chris in the audience. I had my own cheering section and it made up the fact that my parents couldn't be there. It was a fairly long ceremony. I'm sure much more so for those that weren't students. The speeches were very powerful and found myself tearing a bit. The room was so energized with feelings of joy and accomplishment! Finally it came time for us to go up and get our diploma covers, shake the president's hand, and get our pictures taken. It happened soooo fast. Deborah crossed the stage as I handed my card to the announcer. I walked as they called my name, shook hands with the president, got a hug from the Chair of the Psychology Dept, got my picture taken, and then got hugs from all of my teachers. I loved that part. Just falling into a pit of love and pride from my teachers who were my colleagues, gurus, confidants, etc. during this whole process. I really feel as if I could go to them when I need help in my career and they would be there for me. I am so blessed that I found Antioch. After the president formally recognized our degrees. We stood as he spoke and that confirmation spoken outloud unlocked something for me. I feel as if that moment and that moment among my teachers was the moment that this all felt real to me. I really did this and I am really going on to something greater. After we exited we had a nice after party on the patio. It was quite crowded and difficult to get around but got flowers from my friends Jess and Whitney who were there for Deb and I. I got some refreshments and talked to teachers and friends. Afterwards Brian, Ginger, Meg and Chris, and I celebrated at El Torito. I of course celebrated with some tequila aka huge rasberry margarita that was so yummy. Got these amazing sizzling enchiladas which is kind of a mix between fajitas and enchiladas. Sooo good. Ginger also gave me a certificate to get a massage. So excited, its really close by to our place and the name of the massage is the Serenity Massage. So perfect. I think I will try to get it done before my new job starts. oooh prob should get it before my tattoo on the 12th. Anyway that's enough for now. I'll write a new entry for my visit with the fam this past week and a half.

Interview outcome

2009-06-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

So not bad! I met with the director of Case Management at Las Encinas who also is in charge of the Assessment and Referall department. Thought it was cool that he basically said I was overqualified for the Assessment position as its just admission paperwork and inquired if I would be interested in doing case management. I would be managing a large caseload of patients in an acute psych unit arranging everything from the minute that they walk in the door to when they are d/c'd and even sometimes beyond that. I would be working with the team and the MD to coordinate all care. I am pretty comfortable with all of that. Its very similiar to what I am doing now. Its in a beautiful beautitul location. There seems to be lots of room to more around however I prob will be committing to doing the case management gig for a year. Its a big decision and Brian and I talked about it. It doesn't pay as well as I'd hoped but will be like a 10% pay increase from what I am currently making. Hoping to secure a part time position at my current job to do some hours on weekends if they need me for documentation etc. If not will try something part time so I can afford to pay back my student loans!
Well the interview itself seemed to go well and even got to meet the team. They seemed to be comfortable with me and were impressed with my experience. It will be hard work but Im going to work my ass off! The director asked me to call him tomorrow so we'll see if they offer me the job!

Off to an interview today

2009-06-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm a bundle of nerves but am trying to collect myself. I made a contact through a student at school and got an interview at Las Encinas Hospital. The position appears to entail completing clinical assessments on intake to determine level of care needed. This is pretty in line with what I was doing at Tarzana Treatment Center so I feel comfortable in some ways but I am never comfortable being in a position of having to sell myself. I believe this is an universal feeling amongst many but I know others who just live for interviews and blow them out of the water like my friend Tanya. Sooo off to Pasadena in about 30 minutes. Ahhhhh!!!!

Drawing of my Tattoo

2009-06-16T17:19:00.001-07:00

So Misha and I went back and forth together over how the tattoo will look and this is it!

Its the second picture, with the lotus flower opening. Its going to look amazing when the jeweled heart is all shaded to look like a shining ruby coming out of the lotus. Getting excited, tattoo is just a few weeks away!

Feeling caged

2009-06-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel like I am reacting instead of reflecting and responding. I've found myself snapping at people more versus slowing down and responding the way that I would like to. Its hurt some people's feelings. I think this happens when you are distracted with your own internal world versus really being in the moment, connected to your environment and those around you. I have been distracted lately because all of a sudden the clock ticked and I'm 30. I feel as if I have a lot to accomplish and achieve in a short period of time. This is not so. I have a long life ahead of me to enjoy and grow into. I want a new job and therefore am not being happy and present in the work that I am currently doing. I guess after 3 years at the same place and 6 in the same field I am allowed to feel a little bit antsy. There is a feeling of being closed in. I am reacting like a caged animal, snarling and ready to bite off finger tips of those unexpected hands that lean in too close. I dread being stuck in this mundane world but I know that is all about perspective. Like in yoga, mountain pose from an onlooker looks simple and unchallenging but if you are present in the pose and focus on grounding while stretching up, tucking your tailbone, and a series of other focus points then it does become challenging/rewarding. I need to bring that focus into my world and find things in my immediate space that inspire and challenge me.

Things will come and I have to have faith in that and not live in fear that I will be letting down myself or those around me if I do not accomplish everything that I have set for myself.

Beautiful image

2009-06-12T11:22:00.001-07:00

The Symphony..... by Lic3ly on Polyvore.com

Found this beautiful image today online....just so gorgeous. Love the look in her eyes and the layered on images.

Clean Energy Bill Petition

2009-06-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

Copied from MoveOn.org. If you are interested in finding ways to be heard and have political clout then subscribe already. MoveOn does all the legwork bringing issues that you care about. It is as easy as a click of a button to sign petitions, send letters to Congress/President, or set up/attend MoveOn meetings in your area.

This is an issue that is close to my heart, climate change and the environment. Clean energy, clean energy, I know we hear about it a lot but it is about to go away. The way we have been living on non renewable resources is nearing an end. The inevitable is coming and we need to prepare. Its worth doing it right the first time instead of pouring into money into a clean energy bill that will not work. Read below and please sign the petition to tell Congress to go back to the drawing board and create a clean energy bill that will work!
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It's 2009. Democrats have ample majorities in both houses of Congress. President Obama campaigned on the promise to tackle climate change and boost our economy by investing in clean energy.

So why on earth is Congress considering an energy bill that:

Would weaken current law, repealing President Obama's authority to crack down on dirty power plants,1 and
Doesn't actually require the creation of new solar or wind power? (The Union of Concerned Scientists has concluded that the clean energy standards won't make power companies produce more clean energy than is already in the works.)2
Why? Because Big Oil and Coal have teamed up with conservatives in both parties, and they've been successful in weakening the bill.

These are major flaws, but the bill has a lot of really good provisions, too. The key thing is that Congress can still strengthen it—if there's a public outcry. But we don't have much time: Congress is expected to vote on this bill in less than three weeks.

Can you sign this petition to Representative Howard Berman today? Eighty thousand MoveOn members have already signed. We need to double the number of signatures by Wednesday—that means we need 36 more signatures in Sherman Oaks. MoveOn members will personally deliver this petition to many congressional offices the next day. Click here to add your name:

http://pol.moveon.org/cleanenergy/o.pl?id=16315-5815024-oSLMb8x&t=4
The petition says: "We need a stronger energy bill to fulfill Obama's vision of a clean energy economy. Congress should strengthen the clean energy standards and restore Obama's authority to crack down on dirty coal plants."

Congress must change the energy bill to require power companies to produce more clean energy for America. Wind and solar create more than twice as many jobs as coal and oil.3 And Congress needs to hold polluters accountable by restoring President Obama's current authority through the EPA to crack down on global warming pollution from power plants.

The Union of Concerned Scientists analysis finds that the current version of the clean energy standard "won't require utilities to use any more renewable electricity than...would be generated as a result of state renewable electricity standards already in place and the recently enacted stimulus package."4

If we just sit back, we'll miss our chance to go big with wind and solar—and we'll lose the jobs those industries would create. Big Oil and Coal will keep getting billions of dollars in taxpayer subsidies. And President Obama will be powerless to stop more than 100 new dirty coal plants, which will crowd out the clean energy growth we need to boost our economy.5

There are some good parts of the bill, but these are significant problems. As the Sierra Club's Carl Pope writes, the bill establishes strong long-term goals for cutting carbon pollution and very strong energy-efficiency investments, "but in its present form, it won't do all that's needed. The oil, coal, and dirty-utility interests...were able to prevent enactment of President Obama's much bolder vision...Yes, they will try to kill the green-jobs recovery in its cradle, and yes, they will try to block our clean-energy future."6

Please urge Rep. Berman to fight for a stronger energy bill. Clicking here will add your name to the petition:

http://pol.moveon.org/cleanenergy/o.pl?id=16315-5815024-oSLMb8x&t=5

Thanks for all you do.

–Anna, Michael, Joan, Noah and the rest of the team

Finding Your Divine Self Meditation

2009-06-05T16:23:00.001-07:00

Very excited to run a group on Sunday at the U.U. church. I decided to discuss about the divine within each of us and how we connect to it. I feel that the divine is within ourselves and that we can connect with it and each other in many ways. For me meditation/yoga are the ways I connect to the deepest part of myself although I feel connected to everything when I am in nature. This group will offer an opportunity for the members to relax and connect to their divine/inner selves. I will give techniques so that they can reconnect with their inner sanctuary when ever they wish to.

What was really lovely was writing it up. I found this really tranquil music on pandora and instead of looking up a meditation just started to write a description related to what I've heard from teachers in the past and what I myself do to meditate and relax. It was really amazing to see what I already know. I did borrow from one meditation which described the inner self like a diamond as I was struggling, trying to think of how I would bring them inside.

So this is the meditation that I created for Sunday, enjoy!

Find a comfortable seated position but try to sit so that you feel your sit bones pressing into the floor, grounding you. Keep the spine straight by imagining a string attached to the top of your head pulling it up. Now let your arms fall so that your palms are face up in a position of receptivity. Close your eyes very gently. Bring your attention to your breath. You might want to put one hand on your
lower abdomen to tune into how your stomach rises and falls on each inhale and exhale. As you breathe in feel your stomach push into your hand, as you breathe out feel your stomach move away. As you notice your breath go in and out slowly feel all the tension melt away from your body on the exhale. Each exhale you are becoming more relaxed and feel lighter. Notice if your shoulders are creeping up towards your ears. Gently raise your shoulders and lower them.

As you continue to breathe slowly and effortlessly, focus inward. Thoughts of the outside world might come in and that’s okay. Try to imagine that your thoughts are like fallen leaves drifting on a river. Notice the thought but let it continue on its way down the river. Come back to your breath. Imagine that you are being filled with a soft warm light. It’s a warm summer day and the warmth and light are streaming in filling your body down to your fingers and toes. Now imagine that in your heart lies a precious diamond. This diamond represents your divine self. Notice how the light which continues to fill you reflects upon all the facets of the diamond, sending little rainbows of color everywhere. Just stay here and let yourself be immersed in your inner beauty which emanates light and love. This is your inner sanctuary where you can come anytime and visit. If you feel so moved
you might want to ask a question or send a message to your higher self. If not allow yourself to rest in this peaceful warmth, knowing that this part of you is always available to you.

Start becoming aware of your body and the room saying goodbye to your inner sanctuary for now knowing that you will return when there is need. Gently place one hand over your heart. Give yourself gratitude for the time that you have taken to focus on yourself. Can you still feel the warm radiating from your heart into your palm? Open your eyes and carry this feeling with you as you start or return to your day.

Tattoo is booked!

2009-06-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

So I booked my tattoo for July 12th which is a Sunday at 4pm, at zulu tattoo. I'm getting excited now and really like my tattoo artist, Misha. She is an extremely tall blonde covered with tattoos/piercings/and red dreads. She is hilarious and put me at ease right away. She seemed jazzed w/ my idea for my tattoo. The lotus/heart tattoo has now been a bit expanded in that it will be a jeweled heart. I really like that concept as something felt missing. It even ties better into my spiritual beliefs as there is a very sig mantra in Tibetian Buddhism which translates to "The Jewel within the Lotus." Its actually the mantra for compassion which seems very fitting for me and the meaning I had already attached to the tattoo.

So the date is set, the deposit down. I'm really doing it. I'm a little nervous but was so happy to get some books from my friend Erin on what to expect when getting a tattoo. Its really helping to alleviate my worries. Erin got me a whole other book w/ pictures of lotus flowers along with its meaning and poems about the lotus.

The Gifts we Give Ourselves

2009-05-29T17:16:00.001-07:00

So my friend Tanya says that everyone should give themselves a b-day present. Think its about valuing yourself, self care, etc. For this b-day I wanted to have something I could take with me and look at every day to remind me of what to hold important. I found this 3 part necklace that was perfect. It has the word grace on it, a heart, and the om symbol. I've been told that I have a grace about me by other people. I feel that the way that you interact with the people/world around you is so important. I want to continue to try to make my interactions full of grace.

Grace
elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3. favor or good will.
4. a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.
5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
6. favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.
7. an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied: The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses. Compare grace period.
8. Skipping 8, related to God/religion
9. moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.

Then there is the heart that reminds me to be compassionate and keep an open heart in my life situations.

The om symbol in sanscript encompasses everything in the world. This will remind me of my connection to the universe, to everything and to everyone.
The om symbol is broken down even further in this pieces
Just as the sound of Om represents the four states of Brahman, the symbol Om written in Sanskrit also represents everything. The material world of the waking state is symbolized by the large lower curve. The deep sleep state is represented by the upper left curve. The dream state, lying between the waking state below and the deep sleep state above, emanates from the confluence of the two. The point and semicircle are separate from the rest and rule the whole. The point represents the turiya state of absolute consciousness. The open semicircle is symbolic of the infinite and the fact that the meaning of the point can not be grasped if one limits oneself to finite thinking.

So I purchased it off of chainreactionjewlery, it should be coming soon. Think its so important to remember to take care of ourselves and our own happiness. Its very funny when I buy things for myself I feel extreme guilt at times. It continues for awhile actually. I wonder where that guilt is from? The perception that I'm not worth it or that I need to save everything I earn? There is a fear of not having enough but also guilt whether I really need something. I try to buy more purposefully and plan it out so I side step some of the guilt but it is still a struggle for me.

Can't wait though for it to come. My gift to myself!

Attempting to Answer the Big Questions

2009-05-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

5/27/09

Yesterday I attended a meeting at the Unitarian Church that I attend in my area. It was a meeting of the "young adults, " including 20's and 30's. Also who ever is young at heart. I thought, well its down the street I might as well go although it gave me unpleasant chills thinking eeew going to a youth meeting at church, really?
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A little background:
I grew up Catholic even though my birth mother was Jewish and my adopted mother was Protestant. My fathe was Catholic so that had to be the way. I remember dazing out and only coming to at my favorite place in the service, when we had to give each other the sign of peace (handshake). I liked the community feeling and many times would end up shaking the hand of this man that went there who had a disfigured hand. He always extended that hand to shake and I never backed away even when I was little. I liked the feeling of reaching out to the people around me, to extend wishes of peace and happiness.

I remember though even when I was young, questioning always questioning. Why do I need to believe this? The Catholic church did not allow room for me to question or challenge. It was only about blind faith and duty. I was confirmed Catholic to please my parents but tried to not step a toe into a Catholic church after that. My mom supported my questioning too which I am grateful for. She called us "gleamers," that we were just gleaming truths from where we could find them. She didn't hold it as important that I believe everything that a particular church/religion would have me to.

Well after this I started to do my own study in spirituality and religion. I found books in witchcraft, meditation, astrology, and generally spent my time in the New Age section in Barnes and Noble. Those summers when I was a teenager before college, my family and I would spend it on our sailboat. I learned to meditate and about healing around that time.

In college I started to research Buddhism for a school project. All of a sudden, I had it, the Aha moment! That many describe when they find some creed/set of beliefs/etc that just speaks to them, connects everything in their mind. I've taken philosophy and world religion classes but I subscribe most closely to Buddhist/Taoist beliefs. I guess this because of the focus on compassion for other human beings, non judgment, non attachment, and there respect/tolerance for other ways of thinking/beliefs. In Buddhism, life is conceptionalized like a mountain. Buddhism sees different religions as different paths leading up the mountain. They might all be different but they all end up in the same place.

I learned about the Unitarian Universalist Church when I was in Boston. One of the strongest memories I have about hearing about the UU Church was a young girl around 12 years old who I was mentoring as a part of a volunteer program. She exclaimed to another mentor with her face full of joy and happiness, "You are a Unitarian too!" Wow, I thought I never felt that way about any organized religions like that before.
Alot of the people that I was hanging out with in Boston who were really great, caring, tolerant people talked it up too.

It wasn't until I came to LA that I started to look into it. I was wanting to feel connected to a community and was wondering about how we would bring our children up. I felt it was important to have an introduction at least for our children in a religion. What ever I had against it it taught me some basic concepts of good will, do on to others, etc. I felt however that I didn't want to push my children in believing in something like I felt pushed growing up. The more I learned about UU, the more I felt comfortable with it. Unitarian Universalism is a liberal religios tradition that is open to everyone of many different faiths. At the church I go to, you may end up talking to someone who is Pagain, Jewish, Buddhist, Christian, or Atheist. We don't subscribe to a dogma. The minister and visitors who also run the services, take wisdom from all different places, different religions, media, etc. I really liked what they have for the children. They have Religious Exploration which means that the children are taught about all religions. This gives them the oppurtunity to build tolerance, compassion, and decide for themselves the universal questions. Our church is very community minded and I am on the Social Action Committee.

I love that I have found a spiritual community that encourages questioning and transforation.
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So I went to the meeting. There was only a small group of us, only 5 but felt it was a good introductory size. We lit the chalice, and I giggled to the group that it felt like we should hold hands and evoke something. This thankfully got a laugh, doesn't seem that we take all too seriously. We lit candles and set intentions for things that we wanted in our life or to bless someone that we were thinking of. We had a reading and then we listened to a beautiful concerto (forgetting the name). It was a powerful piece that both relaxed and energized me.

After the music we pulled out some questions that created a nice debate.

The questions were mainly around the concept that some have that "God" (insert any name, I like Spirit/Universe) gives us things if we ask. How much is it up to us and how much can we count on "God" to fulfill what we want. For me I said that it was alot about intention. If you do not have a clear idea of what you want how can you put it out there and give energy to it? You need to formulate what you want and the steps that you are willing to do. I don't think that it is like selecting things off a menu. You can't just get what you ask for. Some of the other members of the group discussed it like doorways. There are doorways all around but you have to see and use them in order for opportunities to happen. Other members thought it was important to do everything you can, make what you want clear, and then just surrendor to it. What will happen will happen.

Then there was a question about the purpose of pain/suffering in the world. This was a difficult one. I think it is dangerous to think that all the negative things that happen is a result of neg. karma or neg. thinking. This gives people the sense of powerlessness. I do feel that we are connected through pain/suffering. It ripples through the human race. If we do not have painful experiences also, we often can't connect to another's human experiences. Take the concept of method acting, in order to really get into a character, an actor has to think of a similiar experience in order to access that emotion. One of the other members of the group discussed the concept of Yin/Yang. We need both light/dark. Everything is about balance. Another thought that negative things that happen could be related to the energy that is all around us. Kind of liek the concept of the Butterfly effect.

One girl stated she felt distant from all of this. She felt that things just happen and do not always have a rhyme or reason. She statd that some people have a hard time with this concept and that it depresses them but she stated that it makes her feel free. I guess it is the age old question between free will/destiny. Are things destined to happen? I feel that we have free will but the things that we do can set in motion a certain energy, etc. that will lead us down a certain path. I do not however feel that it is prewritten for us.

This got us also on a discussion about the concept of a soul. I think I wrote some of this up in my Griffith Observatory blog entry, but I feel that we do not carry on or at least not in the way many think. I do not really conceive of a heaven. I feel that we do return to the cosmos/universe/the great ocean/spirit. While some might feel fear around this idea I feel at peace with it. I conceptionalized this for the group by asking them when they felt the happiest. I shared that I do when I am in nature or in relation to another human being. When I feel greater than just me and connected to everything else, that is when I feel the happiest, that is the greatest joy. Others could connect to this idea. They felt that our energy has been going on and on and won't stop while others felt that our energy will change form/dissipate.

We ended with a reading and blowing out the candles. I think that I made a boo boo by helping to blow it out. Ooops....Then we listened to some music. We were asked to bring a favorite art/music piece. Not many did but I had my laptop with me so I pulled it out.

I had them listen to Bright Eyes's "Waste of Paint," that really moves me every time I listen to it.

Waste Of Paint
Bright Eyes

I have a friend, he is mostly made of paint.
And he wakes up, drives to work,
and then straight back home again.
He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper.
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover.
And I tried to tell him he had a sense
of color and composition so magnificent.
And he said

"Thank you, please
but your flattery
is truly not
becoming me.
Your eyes are poor.
You're blind.
You see,
no beauty could have come from me.
I'm a waste
of breath,
of space,
of time."

I knew a woman, she was dignified and true.
And her love for her man was one of her many virtues.
Until one day, she found out that he had lied
and she decided the rest of her life from that point on would be a lie.
But she was grateful for everything that had happened.
And she was anxious for all that would come next.
But then she wept.
What did you expect?
In that big, old house
with the cars she kept.
"And such is life," she often said.
With one day leading
to the next,
you get a little closer to your death,
which was fine with her.
She never got upset
and with all the days she may have left,
she would never clean
another mess
or fold his shirts
or look her best.
She was free
to waste
away
alone.

Last night, my brother he got drunk and drove.
And this cop he pulled him off to the side of the road.
And he said, "Officer! Officer! You got the wrong man.
No, no, I'm a student of medicine, a son of a banker, you don't understand!"
The cop said, "No one got hurt, you should be thankful.
And your carelessness, it is something awful.
And no, I can't just let you go.
And though your father's name is known,
your decisions now are yours alone.
You are nothing but a stepping stone
on a path
to debt,
to loss,
to shame."

The last few months I have been living with this couple.
Yeah, you know, the kind who buy everything in doubles.
They fit together, like a puzzle.
And I love their love and I am thankful
that someone actually receives the prize that was promised
by all those fairy tales that drugged us.
And they still do me.
I'm sick, lonely,
no laurel tree,
just green envy.
Will my number come up eventually?
Like Love's some kind of lottery,
where you scratch and see
what's underneath.
It's "Sorry",
just one cherry,
or "Play Again."
Get lucky.

So I've been hanging out down by the train's depot.
No, I don't ride.
I just sit and watch the people there.
And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.
All your life's one track,
can't they see it's pointless?
But just then, my knees
give under me.
My head feels weak
and suddenly
it's clear to see
it's not them but me,
who has lost my self-identity.
As I hide behind
these books I read,
while scribbling
my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me,
with some ideal ideology
that no one could hope to achieve.
And I am never real;
it is just a sketch in me.
And everything I made is trite
and cheap
and a waste
of paint,
of tape,
of time.

So now I park my car down by the cathedral,
where the floodlights point up at the steeples.
Choir practice was filling up with people.
I hear the sound escaping as an echo.
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle.
When the voices blend they sound like angels.
I hope there’s some room still in the middle.
But when I lift my voice up now to reach them.
The range is too high,
way up in heaven.
So I hold my tongue,
forget the song,
tie my shoe
start walking off.
And try to just keep moving on,
with my broken heart
and my absent God
and I have no faith
but it's all I want,
to be loved.
And believe,
in my soul.
In my soul.
In my soul.
In my soul.

Just reading the lyrics is powerful to me along with Connor's raw beautiful voice it makes it even more so. The song is for me is finding/and believing in your self worth and holding on to it even when life gives you no reason to. My life is not a waste even though sometimes in the past I have felt that way. I have felt I have to prove the good of my existence for some reason. I know I have the right to be loved and have good things happen for me but it has been a concstant battle really truly believing this.

So I was asked to hold the next meeting we will have, which I think will be the following Sunday on the 7th. Have no idea what I will coordinate but I'm excited.

Done for now but not done!

2009-05-26T10:25:00.001-07:00

So I've completed my 30 rituals for my b-day but this isn't the end of my journey, rather the begining. I still have a lot to share and experience. I will definitely be writing more about what is going on with my life. This has been an amazing time in my life, I have never felt so alive! I feel really honored by all the people that supported me and participated in all my adventures.

I still have some stragling rituals that didn't fit into the 30.

Things to complete
Life Story - Still writing
Sunset Hike, Paseo Mirmar
Maeve is creating a wonderful ritual for me as part of a workshop that she is developing all about finding your voice which is somethign I need to explore.
My adventures of getting my tatto will be forthcoming as well

Heidi just also gave me a ritual to do, Don't know if anyone said this one yet.. But, how about you take a class in artwork one day.. Like pottery or glass cutting.. Make something that is meaningful and artistic.. Then give it to someone to cheer them up.. Hopefully that is a good one for u.. :) Love u and hugs

I will stay tuned to my life.........

Ritual #27 Contact Someone from Past

2009-05-26T00:06:00.000-07:00

5/21/09

My mother in law, Denise for my ritual wanted me to contact someone from my past, thank them, and let them know what impact they have had on my life. I thought about it for a bit and feel that if it wasn't for my amazing supervisor Elaine I don't know if I would be where I am today. I was just out of school and was working as a nurse at the VA when finally my graduation/degree went through. I interviewed for a social work associate position at the VA after encouragement from the unit social worker who gave me a good referral. I interviewed with Deborah, Elaine, and Bob who was the head of the social work deparment at the time. Deb and Elaine were really supportive while Bob was a little more intimidating. I felt immediately at ease when either Elaine or Deb directed a question at me. I left them with my portfolio not knowing how the actual interview went. When I came back to pick up my portfolio, Bob actually told me that it was enthralling. Hoping that was a good sign I left for home. After I got home my mother in law called me to tell me I got the job! She worked in HR so was one of the first to know. No one knew that I was dating Brian at the time. She told them that I was her future daughter in law, and they were surprised. So I feel good that I got it on my own.

Elaine was always so reassuring and supportive. I would bring my worries and questions to her and she would always make time to be receptive. My anxiety evaporated when I was around her and I increasingly started to grow some confidence in my skills and decision making. She was always there though if I was full of self doubt on a case or even if I had a personal concern. She had a way about her where she could see right through to the problem at hand, address it, while making everyone feel good about the decision. She encouraged me in my development and motivated me to work on any weaknesses without any severe criticism. She saw my strenths too when I didn't always see them and always would tell me that I was a good social worker. It was a very caring and wonderful environment to explore and grow in myself. Debbie my other supervisor, was also great as she was sharp witted, funny, and more into the clinical side of things. We could discuss cases and she was a good one to let out steam with. With both of them I felt that I had the complete package.

When I moved out to California it was quite a shock to be in the "real world." I was expected to do a lot of things on my own in my new job as a social worker. I had to run unit life instead of going to monitor which what I had been doing before. The support I received from Elaine gave me the confidence that I could do it. I called her the first few months I was out and got great support and advice from her.

Even though I decided to not pursue a higher degree in social work, Elaine has been supportive the whole way through. She was one of my main referalls to get into grad school and I couldn't wait to tell her I was accepted, and then when I graduated.
She still sends Christmas cards and we still correspond through email now and then.

I am still so grateful to have met her and know that looking back I will always see her as one of the most influential people I met while building my career.

This is what I recently emailed her but think I might send her a more thorough email detailing everything I wrote above.

Elaine,

Wanted to let you know that I finished my Masters in Clinical Psychology. I am officially a Marriange and Family Therapist Intern and registered with the board! Now just about to take the next step. Updating my resume and will try to get a job in the mental health field.

Thanks so much for all of your support. Don't know if I would be here right now without you and your encouragement.

Thanks and hope you and your family are well!

Theresa Journeau-Collins M.A., MFTI

Theresa

That is wonderful news! I know you will make a great marriage and family therapist. I knew you were a very special person the as soon as you started working in social work service. Years ago I was fortunate to work with a wonderful family psychologist at Bedford. She and Don Nadeau were involved in starting the psychoeducational program for families of loved ones with a major psychiatric illness. Your personality reminds me of her! I know you will find a job that you love. How is Brian? When Mark and I watch NCIS, I remember you telling me that Brian was an extra on that show. I stlll love working here at Boston VA in the dialysis unit

I love the emphasis on the clinical. Please keep in touch….. Take care, Elaine

Just from that email you can see how special she is. We meet angels in our lives that guide us where we are supposed to go. Look out for the angels in your lives and let them know how special they have been to you.

Ritual #30 My 30th B-day & Spa Day (Part 2)

2009-05-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

5/24/09

So aside from the day of renewal and relaxation. Brian and I planned to have a romantic evening at home for him to give me my present and also something to help me cement everything that I have learned from my past rituals in order to take it forward into my life.

I first drove Janis to the airport. It was hard to see her go. She's been here for over a week and it almost felt like she lived out here now. She said she felt the same and that it would be strange to be apart after having so many fun recent adventures together.

Brian and I decided to have dinner at home and we ordered take out. When I got home it was there and Brian was arranging the table. We put on some soft music and I opened my presents. First I opened a card from the kitties which is tradition. I opened a funny one from Brian that had a little bunny on the front which said "I'm sorry I didn't bake you a cake, I have other ideas for the frosting" The bunny is winking suggestively. Brian wrote under it, "I eat is it!" Which made me giggle. I opened my present to find a Supernatural book based on the TV show which is one of my favorite ones. I opened my sweet/romantic card from Brian which read "A birthday promise, a lifetime of love, for the love of my life." Signed "Love you baby" BC
Next I opened and found the movie Twilight that I hadn't bought yet and really wanted. I opened and found the first season for True Blood which I am soo excited for. Brian bought me the most recent book in the Sookie Stackhouse series which True Blood is based but I read it already so we are going to go back to the store and he'll let me pick something out I want to read.

Then came the ritual. Brian had typed something out on a piece of paper. This is what I read:

I've been doing HMAD for over 2 years now without missing a day, and I STILL get people saying "You really watch a movie every day?". But they also often comment about how there's "no way" they could ever find the time to do that. I then explain that my entire day is pretty routine, so all it took was fitting it into the "schedule", and thus now it's just part of my day, same as showering, eating my cereal, or going to work a half hour late.

And that is the complete opposite of you, who practically loathes routine. You live for adventure and new experiences, to the extent where getting you to relax for the better part of a Sunday is considered a triumph for me. That said, I wasn’t too surprised when you said that you were going to do 30 “rituals” leading up to your birthday.

Some were fairly simple, such as riding on the swings at the park or dancing for fun. Others took the better part of a day or even a weekend. Some were solo, others required assistance from others (or involved doing something for another person). As I read your blog, I see that each had their own lesson to take away, and they were all unique from one another.

Suffice to say, as the previous sole daily blogger of the house, I am very proud of you for writing about each one and (I think) not missing any days, something I couldn't even manage in my first month (I missed a movie 9 days after starting HMAD). I am also impressed with the range of activities, some I didn't even know about until I read the blog.

But the funny thing is, you could have written a blog about what you did without any sort of plan or guide over any random month of the year and it wouldn't look much different. Birthday or not, you’re always doing art projects, going to yoga/dance classes, going on hikes, trying new foods/recipes, etc. So while you only planned for 30 days, and there were a couple days where you were worried about "having time" for the day’s ritual, from my point of view, you’re more or less been doing the same thing (sans the blogging) that you’ve been doing since I have known you and probably a long time before that.

In short, I hope you realize that you don’t need a birthday to be a catalyst for continuing to be yourself, and I hope you continue to update your blog with all the new and/or focused experiences you enjoy from day to day.

Happy Birthday Cuddle! Love!

Suffice to say there were tears in my eyes after I finished reading it. It meant a lot to me that he said he was proud for what I did and saw the value that I took away from the experience. This whole experience has helped me to see that you can make every day magical. It is all about intention and what you want for yourself each day.

The next part of the ritual included feeding each other. We dug into our Chinese food which was really good. We fed each other a piece being symbolic of how we will continue to try to feed each other's dreams. This felt so significant to symbolize how important it is to receive support from one another to go after our dreams.

After dinner I lit some candles in the bedroom and we lay there talking and cuddling. We shared what our dreams are for the future. It was good to share it and realize that we do want the same things such as home, children, a fulfilling career. Sometimes you might just assume what each other wants. It felt so good laying in his arms knowing that we are looking forward to a wonderful future together. We both see each other and love one another for who they are.

This was the perfect ending of a wonderful day and my rituals.

Ritual #30 My 30th B-day & Spa Day! (Part 1)

2009-05-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

5/24/09

So when I was debating on what I wanted to do for my birthday about 2 months ago I realized I didn't want the same old. I wanted to mark it with something special. Something that would reflect the significance that this milestone signifies for me. I looked at all sorts of spiritual retreats but came to the conclusion that not only did I want an experience where I could relax and reflect I also wanted a little pampering too. My friend Portia recommended that we go to Glen Ivy Hot Springs in Corona, CA which is this amazing out door day spa which sports many different types of pools, treatments, and services. I decided that I wanted just a close group of girlfriends to share this day with me. Portia picked me up and Janis who has been visiting from Mass drove with us. We met with my friend Deborah at the resort.

So sleepy eyed at 7:30am, we crawled into Portia's car. I was handed an iced coffee very generously given by Portia. We had a nice drive and could tell that we were nearing when the area became a little less populated and there was beautiful mountains and vegetation around. We pulled into Glen Ivy as we hooted with excitement. We were one of the first groups in line and got in pretty quickly. It was my b-day so I got in free and was able to use my gf's to get in Janis for her b-day. We just stared with wonder when we walked in. "Is this paradise?" I think I remember asking. Everywhere I looked there were beautiful vegetation, palm trees, little waterfalls.

We went to the lockers and changed. Even in the locker area there is an assortment of things for our use. They have showers, a steam room, and a hot tub. The hot tub was quite large and reminded me of the bath houses described in times of the Greek where women would go and bathe. There were actually even Grecian carvings over the it.

It was still a little cool around 9:30am in the morning but not too cool. The sky was blue and the sun was starting to come out more. We found a pool with rafts that we could use. I got in the water and it was comfortable, like bath water. I drifted around the pool, my stomach on the raft. Lazily propelling myself around with my hands, looking around at the beauty, and talking to my friends. It felt so relaxing and surreal after all the craziness of the day before. Portia and I made our way to get our treatments, Portia got a facial while I went to get the Spring Detox.

The Spring Detox included exfoliation with a lavender/eucalyptus scrub, followed by an oil swedish massage, and wrap. Also included admission to the Grotto. I had a very sweet lady who ushered me in from outside where I was sipping tea and listening to water falling under some lush foliage. I was told to undress and go under a sheet. We talked pleasantly while she scrub my skin vigorously with the scrub. I went on my stomach and she administered the scrub head to toes. Then I took the sheet around me and went to the shower to scrub it off. I could smell the eucalyptus and lavender scent. The smell was so calming and I took a blissful short shower knowing that she was waiting for me. When I stepped out my skin was already soft and smelled sweet. When I went back in she had me lay on my stomach and put my face in the ring. She used warmed oil and took her time rubbing it in. She spent a lot of time on my back and it was luscious. I went on my back and she completed the massage. Then the best part in my opinion. She used warmed towels and pulled the sheets in such a way that I was completely cocooned. It is hard to describe how it feels. You feel like you are being warmly embraced by someone you love. It felt so comforting.

She mentioned that she joked with a girl who was 18 years old who never had gotten it done before that she would have to get out on her own. I asked if she ever heard what happens to butterflies if someone breaks the cocoon. She said she hadn't. I told her that butterflies won't be able to fly. That it takes the struggle to get out of the cocoon for their wings to be strong enough to fly. I compared it to how in life, people have to face their own challenges in order to be strong enough to do things on her own. She told me she felt this was really inspiring to her and that she was going to tell her daughter about that.

I got a nice massage on my face too with some acupressure before she removed me from the the wrap. She and I joked about me not wanting to leave my cocoon but having to.

As I thanked and left her I felt so relaxed. I couldn't help smile at everyone that I walked by and when spoken to I replied softly and slowly. My dopiness lasted until half way through lunch at least. I ate with Portia and Janis as Deb was still getting her package done. They have amazing fresh food. I had an amazing turkey sandwich with sprouts and avocado. It came with fruit and I bought some chips along with some iced tea. I felt really good eating slowly, purposefully, relaxed from my massage, and with close friends. Afterward we went to the steam room and the sauna before we parted with Portia and made our way to the Grotto to meet up with Deb. The Grotto is similar to the concept of the one at the Bunny Mansion. They take you down on an elevator to this cavern. They lather you up with this greenish mixture. You feel like you are being painted like a house. The next room you sit for awhile, rub it in to your skin before you go to the next room. We met Deb in this room and sat covered in our green beauty. It was fun to just rub it in while chatting. We went and rinsed it off which took some time. Then the best part is the last where you go in a cool misty cavern where there is cool water, tea, and green apples. The green apple was perfect after the dryness of the other room. The whole experience of the Grotto was really cool. You felt at times like you were really in a cave somewhere.

We met up with Portia and I bought a bottle of champagne to toast with bought again with all the gc's. We toasted friendship, our futures, and my b-day. It was a really perfect moment to be with some of my closest friends, celebrating all together. I mentally took a picture of the moment. Deb had to leave and Janis wanted to go read and relax more by the pool. So Portia and I went to Club Mud.

Now this was soooo fun! We went into the muddy water and in the middle was this mound of mud. You just scoop it up with your hands and just slather yourself with it. Portia and I slathered it on our backs. I got carried away and put layers of it on. We went into the Wafa room where you go to let the mud bake. We sat in and Portia and I had a nice conversation on our future wishes for our careers and possibilities of continued school. We got out, flaked off the mud, and washed it off. My skin was soooo smooth after it.

We went back into the steam room which was great. In the steam room there is a mental play that you have to do with yourselves. Part of you wants to jump out because the warm air is going into your lungs and feels intense. We just sat lotus style and used Pranayama breathing to decrease some of the intensity. We spent more time the first time but the second after the mud was really good too. It helped to get rid of the rest of the toxins and the mud. I felt really good once I left the steam room. We then took really nice long showers. They have shampoo, conditioner, and shower gel in all of the showers which made it really nice. I changed, dried my hair and was surprised to see that it was 4:45pm. We got Janis, she changed and we were off by 5pm. We got some of the supplies. I got the lavender/eucalyptus scrub and Portia got this skin product line.

What an absolutely amazing day! It was so good to be taken care of and to take care of myself. I felt like it was day long ritual of self love. It was made even more special by those that I got to share it with. Also thought of everyone that made it possible for me to go. I felt like they were with me too. Next entry I'll share my evening with my hubbie. Feels like it needs its own.

Ritual #29 Friendship and Celebration!

2009-05-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

5/23/09

So today was my BBQ/B-DAY Party for my 30th! When I was thinking about my rituals I was thinking about how I could fit a ritual into a day full of festivity but then I realized the celebration itself is a ritual. We don't always take the time to celebrate the important milestones in our lives. My friend Deborah told me that she has never met anyone that has acknowledged their birthday as much as me. I am trying to do a better at acknowledging important things in my life. I started this by actually keeping a journal that I would only write positive things into, including compliments I might get, things I've earned/accomplished/or overcome. It is difficult to change our instinct towards negative thinking. We have created pathways in our brains from persistent worry/anxiety, so it is difficult to maintain a focus on what is good in our lives.

My b-day celebration was more than about my b-day. It was an example of how I hope I can treat myself, be truly alive, and acknowledge the important things I have accomplished.

I am also aware now about letting my friends know how much they all mean to me. It was so amazing to have everyone there sharing in the day. I have amazing supportive friends and each of them are a truly gift to my life.

A lesson I did learn this b-day too is to let go more and let others do for me. Sometimes I feel I've got to do it all. My friends completely came through and brought great food and everything. I bought a cake for the party not knowing that Brian was going to get one for me. He picked out the perfect thing. It was a plate f cupcakes but the top was made up with leaves, flowers, fairies, butterflies, and other things. It was like a whimsical forest of confectionery sugar. It was perfect and Ginger told me that Brian had said, "Doesn't this just scream Theresa?" I have learned more and more that I can count on people to come through.

It was as amazing celebration of where I am now, in this moment now and all the things I will do. My friends being there, bringing presents/food is like a blessing or wish for my continued happiness. I bring the gifts of good friends/family into the future with me. And the future looks bright.

Ritual # 25 Griffith Observatory

2009-05-25T11:58:00.000-07:00

5/19/09

Many of these recent rituals seem to be related. Going to the redwoods, hiking in nature, looking and speculating about the stars and space, and tomorrow watching the sun set over the ocean. When we are caught up with our every day we might not feel the oneness that we are a part of. Our troubles and individual worries take precedence. When I am in nature or considering where I really am in the great scheme of things I feel actually more at ease. I feel a sense of calm that I am not alone. I know that I will return to this "oneness" when I die.

I was considering the other day about the soul. A lot of debate has gone on about this concept generally between the scientific world and the religious world. When I think about it though, why would we want an undying soul? The greatest sense of peace that I experience is when I feel connected and a part of everything around me. I look around and see that all my atoms, flesh are connected to earth and space. Reconnecting to it feels like the ultimate goal. I feel like this would be the ultimate love versus still being a separate sentient being.

As I explored the Observatory with my friend Janis, I learned such facts as after the big bang it took billions of years before there was any sign of life. This puts our lives in such perspective. The world was waiting around for life to begin, longer than life has actually been alive. We met this really informative staff member that showed us the globe of the moon and how lakes/oceans are named and plotted even though they are not conventional water bodies. We got to hold a meteor rock, and I was told that it will be the oldest thing I will ever touch. I wonder what mysteries and other strange worlds the rock could share if it could communicate with us. We went up to the observation deck which overlooked all of LA and we of course could see the Hollywood Sign further off.

We were trying to take pictures but they were coming out fuzzy. A boy named Peter from Denmark let us use his tripod and we got some amazing pics. We talked with him and his friends for awhile after. They actually were traveling through America but mostly the western part. They started in Canada, went down to CA, and was going to be on their way to Vegas. I guess things are as bad or worse in Europe. They were young in their 20's and couldn't find work there. In some ways it was good to know that America is not alone in this struggle. Perhaps there is hope that the world will come together to pull ourselves out of this economic downfall.

Overall this experience helped me to see although I might have a small place in the world, I claim a part of it and can have an impact. As it takes such small things in space/time to create something entirely new.

Ritual # 28 Making Mischief

2009-05-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

5/22/09

So in college my friend Lisa P. and I would get in these silly moods where we would play pranks on friends. Such as try to deliver things to our friends' houses undetected or sneaking in to their place to shock them, etc. Lisa and I also had our own radio station that we called Our Diabolic Plan. On our show we gave updates on our little missions and pranks.

I also would pull other pranks/missions like the time when I sneaked my friend Amber into a closed building in school so she could have the first look at who made the cast of a play that she had auditioned for. We used our cellphones as walk-e-talkies. It was pretty hilarious...

For Lisa P.'s ritual for me she asked that I plan and act out my own mission. Think this is important to continue to have a sense of humor and a playful nature. I racked my brain though to think of what I could plan. I had been borrowing my neighbor Ginger's vacuum for a few days to clean and get my place ready for my b-day party. I was thinking I had to return it to her but was also thinking about wanting to pull a prank/carry out a mission with someone. Presto! I got it.

I dressed Ginger's vacuum up with this ugly long red wig. Over it I put this silly striped winter hat and then donned a long striped scarf. I also wrote a note saying, "Your vacuum missed you." I sneaked downstairs to see if she was home. She was! I had a key to her place and had thought about just leaving it for her but now that won't work. So very very carefully I picked up the huge heavy vacuum. I carried it down a flight of stairs going very slowly to not make a noise. I placed it delicately down on Ginger's door mat, knocked really loud and then jumped around the corner. I heard the door open, Ginger laughing, and then calling out "Ok, where are you?" I jumped back into sight and we brought the vacuum in together to her place, still laughing.

Ginger said she got a good kick out of it and made her laugh. It was fun to be silly and not take things too seriously.

Ginger will be sending me a picture of Bissel, the vacuum as we like to call her so I'll post a pic of it soon!

Ritual #26 Sunset Beach Ritual

2009-05-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

5/20/09
My friend Deborah lives in Venice and often times will ride her bike down to the beach with a camera to feel connected to the earth and unwind. She shared her ritual with me:

"Here is a ritual I have that I will share with you as it is has brought me much peace and perspective over time. I walk or ride to the beach (you can drive) with my camera and/or my journal to watch the sun go down. As I watch I look intently at everything I see, I breathe in the salty air and smile to myself. I see the massive power and mystery of the ocean and realize how big and expansive the world is. I see the beauty of the sand, the sky, the birds, the dolphins, the happy people also appreciating the paradise we live in."

I started the day off with a dim thought to go to the beach for the ritual but then it was decided when I got a call from my friend Janis that she had rented a brand new gold mustang convertible to drive down to San Diego in. She said she would wait around so we could take a joy ride. So we met up took pics of ourselves with the car a bit and then headed off to Pacific Coast Highway towards Malibu to watch the sunset. With the top down and the radio blasting we felt like a hot stuff. When we were about to turn on Pacific Coast Highway, there was a huge group of 10 year old boys that were crossing the street. They all shouted nice car when we went by. That was fun. The sun was just setting as we pulled up to the Malibu Pier.

I got out and went to stand on the rocks overlooking the small drop to the ocean below. I took in the sound of the waves crashing to shore, the seagulls flying and squawking overhead, the smell of salt, the silver rippling of the water changing color from the setting sun. I was very peaceful and felt free of worries. I felt a sense of oneness with the ocean and sky. It was beautiful and such a great way to wind down the week.

Janis and I had a delicious meal at the restaurant right on the pier call The Beachcomber. I had grilled salmon, with veggies, and coconut rice. It was so good.
It felt surreal to have a nice California Pinot in my hand while watching the waves crash to shore. I have been so lucky in the last week and a half to see so much beauty.

I felt truly honored that Deb shared with me a ritual that is close and dear to her and her own personal development.

Ritual #24 The Mystic Redwoods

2009-05-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

5/17/09

Janis and I have been friends and traveling buddies for over 15 years! Janis has always talked about the Redwoods in Northern California where she has been 4 times before. I would hear stories and look at the pictures and just instantly feel this longing or connection to see them. It was always in the back of my mind and then Brian told me about his interest of moving to California to pursue his dreams in film. I was scared but excited. One of my thoughts actually was, "I'll finally be able to go see the Redwoods!" Well about 3 years later I've done it. I was lucky that things just came together so perfectly. Janis wanted to come back out and visit and she was trying to think of which ritual to do. It just popped up in both of our minds instantly. The Redwoods!

It is difficult to describe what the draw is exactly for those that might think well its just trees. Its like a holy pilgrimage in a way for those that really love and revere nature. These trees have been preserved and are ancient. Imagine all of what they have seen. Its like exploring a museum of fine and ancient art. I always feel peaceful and soothed when I sit under a tree. There used to be this tree at college that I would take my breaks under and I always felt renewed when I did.

We are of course connected to the earth but dirt and rock don't usually hold much for us although I love rocks and have been collecting them for many years. The waving plains of grass, the streaming rivers, and the trees rocking with the gentle breeze, these feel more alive to us and sometimes if you let go of all your responsibilities/conecpts of your identity/etc you can feel a part of that dance that nature does.

Although we spent Sunday and Monday exploring the Redwoods, the majority of the time in the redwoods was on Sunday. We got up, showered, and sat in the little cafe at the motel, eating oatmeal w/ bananas/drinking coffee, and talking to others that were visiting the area. We actually met a couple, Alexis and Pier who are from LA who drove up and were continuing to Oregon before they flew back to LA. They were hilarious and a lot of fun. I might try to hit them up when they come back in LA.

We plotted out what we wanted to do that day. Our first stop was to the Trees of Mystery. Janis had worried it would be hokey but it advertised a lift that brings you through the tree tops. We both felt it would be worth it just to see that view!
We stood at the statue of Paul Bunyan and Babe that dwarfed us. In the pictures that I will post soon, he actually looks Paul Bunyan was going to squish us with his shoe, we were so small next to him. Janis went to the cafe nearby to eat a little more and I explored the gift shop. I found my magnet! Its a thing I have to collect them where ever I go. Then we started off on the hiking path. We right away saw this amazing tree called the Elephant tree. Its called that because its roots look like the trunk of an elephant. It was really amazing. It took us a long time to go through that forest as we stopped every few feet to be amazed by another one of nature's scultpures. We saw a tree that looked like a lighting bolt, another that they called the Catherdral trees which were actually a few trees linked that created a kind of cathedral. People actually sometimes get married under them. Janis was planning her ideal wedding to be held there, she joked she just neeeded a groom first. I really liked this place. It was a really good introduction but as I compare it to the other forests/groves I feel you were seperated somewhat from the trees. We couldn't peer as close as we wanted or touch them as much. Therefore we didn't get the same intimate/intense connection we did with some of the other forests where we just felt engulfed in.
The Sky tran here at Trees of Mystery was definitely worth going. It was just breathtaking to soar over the tree tops. This way you can feel what it must be like to be a bird, free to soar. You get off and you can actually climb more stairs to even get another beautiful visage. On one side we saw mountains/flowers/forests and on the other was more forests and the ocean. They left binoculars that you could use to peer closer. We spent a lot of time just drinking it in. Due to being in the city and only getting out now and then to nature, I was parched from lack of connection to nature/beauty. I felt at first I just greedily guzzled the beauty into my soul. Then I formed a more balanced connection to the scenery around me.
After the tran we went through this area of the walk where you see carvings and the story of Paul Bunyan. Now this was actually a bit cheesy and strange that they were promoting mythology about logging in the very area where we were revering the trees. The carvings were actually really amazing though.
We went to Praire Creek area next and that's where we fell in love with that area. It was funny that we had just stopped at this trail head without a real understanding of which one it was. We started walking in and Janis exclaimed that this was the trail she loved and was looking for. I guess it was just calling to us. At the begining there are very large beautiful trees that take some time to go around then the forest becomes more lush and you go over the bridge and stream. The deeper we got into the forest the more quiet and still it seemed. We seemed to be the only around in that immediate area which was so nice. We were really able to just connect to the amazing energy in the forest. The trees seemed the most ancient in that area. There was a wisdom and understanding that came of strongly from them. After we went to Big Tree which was a little more populated but still amazing. Then off to Gold Bluff's Beach! We drove down this dirt/gravel road for quite awhile until we could feel the ocean breeze. We got out and walked. We happened upon the most gorgeous beach I've seen. The thistle, coastal flowers, and bleached wood on the beach contrasted with the overcast sky, and dark sand. There were also misty green hills all around is. I was cold but content, shivering while watching Janis scamble out of her shoes and socks, running into the surf. I took a mental picture along with some fuzzy ones on my camera phone. Its an image that I would like to paint in watercolor some day.
We luckily were off Davidson road by the time it got dark as that road is bumpy, windy, and narrow. We saw some kids speeding through that looked like they were going to party on the beach. On our way back we drove along some of the coast. It was really beautiful and there placks that excplained the mythology and stores surrounding the area from the National Park Service.
That was one busy Sunday!

We decided to get the most time in the Redwoods on Monday as possible before we had to leave to drive to the airport. We drove up to the tourist spot in Klamath where supposedly you can drive through the tree. It cost us $4 and we couldn't really drive through it as it was a little narrow. We did walk through it though. It sounded like a fun idea but when we got there we decided it was kind of sad. This gorgeous tree was just gutted out so people could get there kicks. It seemed like defacing it somehow but I understand the concept of trying to make money any way you can. We were told it was a poor area so we can't fault them too much.
Next we went back down to the trails and picked another part of Praire Creek which is extremely long. This part of Praire Creek was so different. While still ancient this part of the forest was more green/lush/and sort of magical. We completely expected a gnome to just walk through the foliage. There were these two trees that faced each other and created a small path to enter that area of the woods. We stopped and half seriously asked them if we could pass. They felt like the grandmother/grandfather protectors of the forest. I put my hand on one trunk while Janis put hers on the other, we linked hands and could feel an energy pulsing back and forth between us and the trees. It was so incredible. I think this was my favorite forest. We felt so energized by it and awestruck. The forest reuses everything. Even if a tree fell it slowly grew moss, greass, and flowers on it until it started to resemble the forest floor.
This is how I feel after life is like. We are brought back into the fold and beauty/wonder grows out of our good work/energy. We become part of the great collective or spirit again.
We walked past a cool stream with a beautiful lily leaning towards the water. It was such a beautiful scene. We cooled our foreheads with the water and then continued on. We entered into a clearing full of ferns and flowers. It was bathed in so much sunlight. We became warmed by it and giddy. We took pictures, skipped around, and I lost my footing and plopped down. I laughed to myself, but it was all part of the energy that suddenly changed in that sunny place. We turned around then and made our way back to the car. It was very difficult to leave that area of the forest. We felt intantly at home there and didn't want to leave the forests' amazing beauty and energy. We did end up being able to peel ourselves away. We then were off to Lady Bird Johnson grove before we made our way back to SF.

It was around 11:45am or so when we got to Lady Bird Johnson. Janis said we needed to leave by 12pm so we only had a very short period of time. Unfortunately/Fortunately, however you look at it, we spent like 45 minutes there. It was before noon and there was this gentle mist everywhere which just bathed the trees in this glow that we loved. These were th mystical trees I came to see. Then the forest unfolded its greatest miracle. We were walking and suddenly saw shafts of light just coming out of the trees. It created a circle of light all around us, and there was a rainbow spiral of light where the sun was trying to push through the space between the trees. It was probably one of the most beautiful spectacles of my life. We literally collapsed on the grown and sat, staring up at this beauty for awhile. We flagged down those nearby and just pointed. It brought more people there and we all just gawked at this gift that nature chose to give us that day.

Then we were off to SF! We had quite a trip ahead of us, like 7 hours. Our plane left at 8:35pm. We actually almost missed it and would have if anything else had taken a minute more of time. Janis just drove like hell was following her and we got there with 15 minutes to spare.

This was one of the most amazing experiences in my life, what more can I say? :)

PICS WILL BE POSTED SOON! We have over 200 of them!

Ritual #23 Exploring California

2009-05-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

5/16/09

So my friend Michelle for this ritual suggested that I see more of California as it has now become my home. This past weekend I went on quite a trip through Northern California!

Although this is part of the Redwood adventure I feel that I got to explore a lot of Nothern California this past weekend. I thought before that California was beautiful in certain spots like Malibu, Santa Monica, etc but when I traveled up north I was just speechless with the beauty of the scenary. Northern California truly feels like another state or country compared to Southern Cali. Our trip through the beautiful landscape of Northern California was comparable to the immense beauty of being in the Redwoods.

Janis and I flew into San Francisco on Friday night, the 15th pretty late. We had some adventures before we even got to where we were staying that night. The car rental place wanted to give us a 2009 Nissan Hybrid. I was excited but a little uncertain about taking a car I knew nothing about. We got in and couldn't even figure out how to turn the damn thing on! It was pretty late, around midnight and after a few minutes of looking at the manuel to figure out how to drive the damn thing we said forget this! It felt a little unsafe to try to drive a car that we had to use the manuel to even figure out how to turn on the car. So we had to go back and take more time to exchange it.
We went to this amazing Hostel called the City Center in San Francisco. It used to be an old 20's hotel and even had the elevator where you had to pull the gate closed. The rooms were pretty nice and there were a few big common rooms. Some had computers/internet access, some with just couches to lounge, and areas to watch movies and relax. There ended up being a lot of people from different countries all converging at the hostel. I had some flashes of the horror movie Hostel but figured I was pretty safe. We woke up our roomie for the night trying to struggle to open the door but creeped around after. Its a very interesting experience to stay at a Hostel. I really love the community feeling. At breakfast everyone serves themselves and washes their own dishes. I got to meet this guy Ben from Australia who was out traveling and was looking for work in America. What I found on my travels were more and more foreigners who were leaving their countries because of no work. This gives me a better picture of how other countries are failing as bad or perhaps worse with the declining world economy.

Janis and I piled up in our rental car and then went off to visit her friend Kenny who works at the company that puts out the SIM'S games, etc. and lives in SF. Over sharing some coffee I ended up discovering my camera was malfunctioning and the zoom lens wouldn't go back in. It continued to say len's error and would shut off. It was a pretty low moment as I was so looking forward to capturing some of the beauty I would see on the trip. I pulled through and tried to look optimistically at the fact that my friend Janis had a camera too.

We said our goodbyes and were off to the Klamath, CA. I drove through SF, over the bridge, and out of the city. The city of SF looks different than any other city I've been. Janis states that it looks somewhat similiar to Chicago where I have never been, yet :). Driving out of the city we shortly after starting to see more open fields and hills. It was a beautiful day to just drive on the open road. The city traffic dispersed and we were able to drive at a good pace. We blasted music, had the windows down, singing and laughing. We stopped when we saw signs for wineries but unfortunately for some reason they were closed so no dice. It was still beautiful to drive past the wineries though. We stopped at a little town and grabbed some sandwhiches at a convenient store/deli. After we were fueled up we continued on our way. We drove past the ocean, hills, forests, plains. It was another side of California that I had never experienced before. I just took as much of it in as I could. We switched off right after we entered under the sign welcoming us to the Gateway to the Redwoods. Janis was excited to drive as she lives in Boston and no longer uses a car.

Somewhere as we got closer we found this amazing radio station, The Lost Station! It was old rock, some metal and totally fit our silly moods. We totally rocked out to this song, Balls to the Wall from Twisted Sister. Balls to the wall! I had an image of both of us being in our 50's on a road trip rocking out and singing to the same song. I shared that image to her and we decided that it would be our song! We stopped at this real bizaro place called Confusion Hill. We saw signs of question marks and we pulled over. It had all these carved/painted animals all over the place and was a bit creepy. When I told Brian about it later he said that he thinks it was the same place he had been when he was little. Supposedly the Gravity there is different than anywhere else. Needless to say Confusion Hill left quite an impression on us.

Then we slowly drove into the forest. The trees loomed mysterious and large in front of us. We had to control ourselves to not just pull over in the middle of the road and get out and gawk. It was just so beautiful. We continued our way through the town of Eureka. It was only around 9/10 at night on Sat., it was the more "happening" towns we came across (come on it had a Sizzler), and it was completely barren of people. Very odd. So all of the sudden we were in Klamath, CA. The motel, Ravenwood, we ended up staying at seemed to pop up from behind a tree out of no where.

We pulled up and went in to speak to the front desk. We met Gary. Our first impression over the phone was that he was a little odd and perhaps a little creepy. When we met him though we discovered that although definitely eccentric Gare ended up being extremely friendly, nice, and helpful. He did talk our tired ears off however about the difference of politics from Northern Cal/Southern Cal and how Northern Cal/Oregon were trying to seperate before Pearl Harbor happened. He talked about wanting to take up the cause again! We joked with ourselves later that perhaps he was part of the original group that was trying to get this through. He seems a big wig in the small town of Klamath. We found our room extremely comfortable and had this really cute nautical theme. We tried to sleep but stayed up later than we wanted, excited for the next day when we wood explore the Redwood forests! - Stay tuned for next blog entry about the Redwoods!

I feel like I really got to see a lot of California just traveling to and from the Redwoods. It gave me a new perspective and love for California that I didn't have before I started out. I still had missed the Eastern woods, nature. Although they will still have place in my heart always I do now have a new love which is Northern California.

Thanks Michelle for encouraging me to explore my "newly" adopted state of California!

Ritual #22 Messages for the future

2009-05-19T14:56:00.000-07:00

5/15/09

So I have returned from my trip to the redwoods that took place from 5/15-5/18. I'm trying to get all my rituals posted for the days that went by. So on Friday I decided to do the ritual of writing to my future self. My friend Jessica asked that I write a letter for me to open when I am 31, 35, and 40. In the letter I should congratulate myself on my accomplishments and then everything I hope for myself. I ended up finding time on my flight to San Francisco to write a letter.

It was interesting to think of where a year would take me. Every year up to now I can count numerous things that have transformed my life. Even looking at this past year. This isn't the letter I've written (that I will have to wait a year to share but here are some thoughts for myself a year from now).

I was going to grad school, working and completing my internship. I completed my internship, graduated with my masters in clinical psychology, and got awarded a stipend through LA County DMH. I have grown closer to my husband, have made closer connections with friends since having time again to life my life free of the chaos of school. I have also gotten to know myself a lot more, inside and out. Through self awareness activities in school, through the challenges I've faced, the friends I've interacted with more, and the rituals I'm doing leading up to my 30th birthday. I've supported friends, family through hard times and they have supported me. Especially through a period of depression. My friends and family where right by me and I also pulled myself out of it. I have watched endless movies, fantastic books, and become more environmentally and politically active. I started to get back in touch with the things that are important to me this past year. I feel that this past year I have truly seen what is important in my world and shifted my sites to how I will achieve them. I've controlled my spending and am starting to regain my financial footing. I think I am on a good track. I am stronger now than I have ever been and know that this coming year when I am 31 I will only be stronger for it. I am walking into my 30's with my head held up high proud of what I have achieved and what I know that I will achieve in this coming year!!!

Due to running around I wasn't able to write a letter for my 35th or 40th. I was thinking of writing one every year for the year ahead but also like the idea of hearing the voice of my younger self focusing back on my values and what is truly important in case I have gone astray of them. Also to validate how far I have come and what I have achieved is so important. So after my rituals I think I will get to writing the one for my 35th and 40th.

Think this is a good way to take a barometer of where I was in my life. If you look back at some of your old writing you might be surprised about some of your strong feelings on some subject or another. Wow, listen to how important this was for me back then. You can have some sympathy for that younger self or smile with fondness of some beautiful hopeful sediment that you forgot you felt. I have journals filled with things like this from my past. Perhaps I will have a chance to share some of it in this blog.

Find ways to remember what is truly important to you...

Going to San Francisco!

2009-05-15T16:42:00.000-07:00

So excited! I have 15 minutes before I leave work for the air port and I'm almost jumping out of my seat! I want to go! I'll write up all my posts when I get back!

This is the place that we will be staying tonight. Looks great. It used to be an old hotel from the 20's or 30's that was converted into a hostel.
http://www.sfhostels.com/city-center/photos/

See ya when I get back!

Ritual #21 My life is symbolized by

2009-05-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

5/14/09
This is my friend Nicole's description of the ritual. She herself is an incredible artist and was so lucky to get this inspired idea from her:

"I want you to create an image or symbol to represent your life, it can be created using anything you want, paint, collage, crayons, any combination. It should have four parts to it, 2 parts dedicated to the life you have already lived and 2 to the life ahead. The 2 parts for past should be divided between specifics to you and one for family and friends. The life ahead should be the same, one for you and one for family and friends. It can be really simple or complicated, abstract or literal. For example maybe certain colors remind you of feeling a certain way or a flower makes you think of a happy moment with friends, etc. Ok, have fun creating!"

So I really felt like I wanted to start on this one yesterday although I had to pack for my trip to San Francisco. I decided to sketch my inital concept for the sybols. I broke the piece of paper in four parts. For the past for me I started to sketch a sun rising, cresting the horizon and spreading over the ocean. I felt that my time has been coming but that I am suddenly now here. I am here where I want to be and am starting out on the sunshined days of my life. For friends/fam in the past I sketched being carried by someone, by piggypack. Before I feel that I relied on others too much. For validation, support, etc. I am independent in the general sense but emotionally dependent on others. Dependent on others for my own happiness. Now I can say that I take responsibility for my own happiness more. That's the only truly way that you can be. For my present/future I drew out hands making a heart with fingers within a heart. I feel that I am more grounded now and at peace with my purpose. I can give myself more love and those around me more now. This is the place I want to be and stay. The last with my friends/fam for present/future I drew out the same picture that I did for my mosaic. I have a flower arching up to a beautiful warm glowing sun. Friendship/family are like sun in my life. It makes me happy, warm, and healthy. Even though we have a close connection, flower/sun we are also seperate from one another and have our own needs.

When I get back I will paint this out and put more time into it.

Thanks Nicole!

Ritual #20 Love Letter to Myself

2009-05-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

5/13/09

So its my 20th day out of 30 for my b-day rituals. Can't believe I've gotten so far with these. It is very difficult at times to make the intention to set aside time to do one a day but it has also been very rewarding.

Today's ritual was offered by my friend Indushre who is training to be a psychologist. I think I am very lucky to have so many friends that are also in the healing profession. I always have someone to listen and they have come up with great ideas.

Indushre's idea was to write a love letter to myself. To speak to my self and offer admiration and love for everything I am/have accomplished/and will accomplish. I think that this was very fitting as I am very hard at myself often and do not give myself enough compassion. I feel that everyone else in the world is deserving of compassion but I am the last person that I feel is deserving. I strive to be perfect at all times. Its exhausting honestly. One of my friends once said that the parts of ourselves that we feel are the weakest deserve the most love/compassion. Though perhaps a simple statment it was really mind blowing for me when I heard it. I thought really? I can accept those parts/integrate them into myself vs continuing to try to eradicate them? It was really such a different and freeing experience to shift my perspective in that way. So with that in mind I wrote my love letter to myself.

To the heart of my heart,

You are dear to me my sweet little one. I want you to know that I care about you, more than you might know. I know that I can be very hard on you sometimes and expect too much. I don't always take the time to celebrate your accomplishments like I should. I guess it is because I do expect great things because you have so much to give. I just want everyone else to know that you have a wonderful sweet essence/soul. I value your ability to tune in on people and help when they may need it most. You are a very caring and loving person. I don't ever want you to second guess your worth. You don't need to defend your value as a person, work endlessly to pitch a case that you are a good person. You are and you will do great things. Great things are not always momumentous. It can just be the impact you have on one person. You are a beautiful person and sould. I think you are lovely and have a glow about you that others see. I cherish you and you alone. You are my everything and I will be with you forever and ever.

Love,
Tessa

- This was really powerful. I felt like I was talking to my inner child in a way. Like I was holding her hand and looking into her eyes. I signed it Tessa as that was the first name I called myself. Guess I couldn't sound out my whole name. I still feel so happy and at ease when my old friends and family call me Tess or Tessa.

I was inside where all the old hurts are and where I am the most sensitive. It felt really emotional for me to give myself validation. I haven't always been given it by others and very rarely to myself. Instead of shouting at myself to do better I cradled and soothed myself. Loving even the broken parts of myself. It felt odd too in a way. To compliment myself makes me feel like I think too much of myself. Like I am egocentric. I feel in a way that it is impossible to be completely free of ego. We only know our own mind and our own perspective of the world truly. We can continously work to undrstand other people's perspectives but it will always be colored by our own formed opinions and from our personal experiences.

This was such a beautiful exercise and I think that I would like to use it someday in my work with clients. Its a great way to get in touch with parts of yourself that need extra love and validation.

Ritual #19 Help a Stranger

2009-05-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

5/12/09

Feel that this one is quite difficult to coordinate actually. How do you create the opportunities to help someone? Its usually in the moment when you see that you might be able to provide some help to someone. Today I am trying to intentionally be open and available to help those around me. Its interesting however as my work as a social worker really entails helping the nursing unit run smoothly and see that the patients are comfortable and happy. Today I pushed it a little more however. I did rounds around the unit stopping in to talk to the patients and see if they need any help. Things like pull back blankets and put the fan on if someone was hot. Getting different items for them, giving them information, or just sitting by them to give them some encouragement and support. I don't underestimate how important this encouragement and support is. I've seen patients really come around when they felt like people actually cared and wanted to see them improve.

Besides this I felt like I wanted to assist on a larger scale and turned my mind to donation. Although some might think that its easy to push some buttons and send money. That's not really doing anything. Well for me as an avid volunteer I have always preferred to give my time than money. One reason is that I truly love to volunteer but the other is I'd prefer to give time than money. With volunteering time I don't feel I am losing anything. With giving money on a tight budget already, its giving up going out as much or have to be more careful with my spending. Money is very loaded for me as it represents a lot of security for me. So with that in mind I took my time looking up different organizations for one that stood out to me. I decided to choose Women's Empowerment International as they give 100% of your donation to support women in becoming entrepaneurs and supporting themselves out of poverty. Of course it also felt really fitting to give to an organization that supports women, while participating in these rituals symbolizing my transition into adult womanhood. It makes me think how much opportunity I really have in this country and as a Caucasian female in middle class society. Reading the stories of woment hoping to have enough to feed their children and lay down a cement floor. It is really even hard to conceive of those conditions with the privleges I experience. This organization is all about giving women the opportunity to get out of those conditions.

In addition to loans that WE provide they also give business training and support. WE works with affiliated organizations to provide loans and support to women in poverty stricken communities. I decided to give specifically to the Adelante Foundation. "Adelante," means progress or forward in Spanish. Adelante Foundation helps women in poor rural Honduras to improve their lives and the lives of their family. What I really dig about this organization and WE is that it is about empowerment/oppotunity versus just giving out money as charity. The loans are expected to be paid back as the womens' business improves. AF continues to provide support and borrowers of AF meet together to support in their individual business endeveors. By the way I went through network for good which is kind of like a search engine for charities. It was good to use to search for charities but they will charge a small percentage to use it. I prob should have just donated directly but didn't want to use paypal.

It felt really good to give what I could.

Here is a commentory about AF by one of the women in the program.

"I have a dream to soon build my own little home. Right now I live in my daughter's house, but last year I bought myself a little piece of land. Now I need to save up money to buy the materials to build my house. This will take a lot of work, but I'm excited about my little house and I am sure that with my motivation, hard work and some help from my Adelante loans, I'll be able to make it happen!"
Agripina Rodríguez

So I did my little part today. I want to remain open though and look out past my little world and see how I can help and make an impact in small ways.

Ritual # 18 Keeping a beginner's/childlike life perspective

2009-05-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

5/11/09

So today I went to the park to play on the swings and playground per my sister in law's ritual request. It was pretty funny. First I cased the park near where I live. I must have looked a bit odd. I just got out of work and had this fun red/polka dot dress and high red heels on. I checked out the scene and the place was packed. I decided to come back later when I wouldn't be so conspicious. I did some errands, changed, and then went by the park around 8pm. There were still people around so I wasn't alone, that would have been just plain creepy. There were some kids still playing, some sports going on, people walking the track. So I just made a bee line for the swings. As I got on and start to pump my legs I soared higher and higher. As I went up I let my legs swoosh up high. I looked up at the few stars I could see in the sky. I felt very giddy and free.

Suddenly all my responsibilities were on hold. I just enjoyed the feeling of the air on my skin as I swung. It brought me back to thoughts of when playing was my only full time job. Recess, snacks, naps, bff's, make believe where swing sets became time machines, forts made out of sheets under the table or in the woods, hot summers spent outside running in the sprinklers and sucking on popsickles, and reading on the porch with my cat laying next to me. When I was young, days crawled by. The concept of boredom is such a foreign one now. If I have time to read or watch tv for an hour I feel blessed. Although I have more and more responsibility now, what I learned in childhood is still so important. Take enjoyment in life's wonders. Don't take anything for granted. Live every day like its the only one. Enjoy the simple things. Take pride in your accomplishments. Your friends and family are the most important things. Be silly, laugh, make friends easily. Be open to new experiences. Be excited for every night to dream and every day to have more adventures!

What lessons do you feel you carry with you from childhood?

As I slowed down my swinging to a halt I had an impulse to twist the chains as we did when we were younger so after you twist it until it can't go any further you let go and you spin around. I just giggled to myself. I looked over at the slides and wonder if I dared. It was a tiny slide and wouldn't I look silly? I said screw it, ran up and threw myself down the slide. I laughed and then took my time heading out of the park.

It was really peaceful swinging. Something I would do at recess daily when I was younger but now I am racking my brain to think of the last time I might have played on the swings/playground. I think I need to make it more of a habit :)

Ritual #17 Restorative/Renewal Yoga Class

2009-05-11T14:19:00.000-07:00

5/10/09
Yesterday for my ritual I took a restorative yoga class at Yoga Blend in Burbank. I wasn't sure what to expect. It sounded relaxing and that I could perhaps learn new restorative/grounding techniques. I have been doing yoga for like 10 years but generaly like a flow like Vinyasa or Ashtanga yoga. I went in with an open mind.

This is my friend, Portia's description of the class.
Its Sunday night restorative yoga at Yoga Blend in Burbank. Its a series of healing and de-stressing poses to start your week off just right so what better way to start your new year and next stage of life off.

Yoga Blend's description.
Restorative - For anyone wanting to de-stress and renew their entire being, this soothing class is a great choice. Restorative yoga works with the nervous system and the endocrine system to bring the body into a state of balance and relaxation. Props are used to further support the body, realign the spine and deepen this relaxed state.

So Portial unfortunately had a migraine and couldn't attend the class but she was there in spirit. I've been to this studio once before to take an Ayurveda class. I went into the studio and was directed to a setup of props where I layed out my yoga mat. It is a large spacious room with a gorgeous wooden floor. The following props I had at my disposal was a bolster, two blocks, 3 blankets, and a sand bag. First we gathered together for 3 Oms. The sound reverberated in the room beautifully. We set an intention based around the fact that Mecury is currently in retrograde which causes breakdowns in communication. It is better during this time to slow down and reconnect with your body/core and not be so focused on getting things done and be in too much head space. With that intention to refocus my energy from my mind to my body I continued.

Some of restorative yoga is like playing follow the leader. It consists of a lot of moves that you use props to support your body. Bolsters are leaned against blocks, while blankets are positioned in such a way, etc. In the 90 minute class I feel like I perhaps moved into 4 positions. This was a very challenging class for me in a lot of ways. I was in a studio on a mat, my body wanted to move! I am so used to moving until I get into stillness. Not just stopping and finding stillness in the surrender. The first move was legs up the wall. That one was very fascinating as after awhile the activity and soreness of my feet/legs went away. Its so amazing how much support we ask of our lower extremities, to get us to point a and b. It was good to give them a break. The blood rushing to my brain, pouring out of my legs was a little overwhelming after awhile. I breathed through it however. You reach all these different peaks and drops when you hold a pose for over 10-15 minutes. I could feel my body becoming frustrated. I was reaching out my ears to hear the teacher say we could move. I tried to let go of that for awhile and surrender more into the pose and find my stillness. I would find it and then lose it again at times. I would doze then come back to myself. It was such a different experience for me. I am used to my body begging for moves to release and rest between more challenging moves. After doing a series of back bends getting into child's pose is a blessing and I can completely relax into it. Going there without the activity is such a different experience.

In some ways is this symbolic of how I approach life. I rush rush rush all day and then feel like I collapse at the end. Perhaps it is healthier to take these moments for stillness throughout the day versus just collapsing at the end of it. I was thinking of taking a more intense class after this one. I didn't feel sore, sweaty, etc after it. It felt at first like I had done nothing. I resisted taking another class and just tried to get in touch with what work I felt like I had done. When I went inside i felt like I had created a deeper well of stillness and strength. It felt like a more secure and strong stillness then I have experienced in myself usually. I feel like I would like to try to explore more of this and create this deep well inside myself. It felt like more of a meditation practice and that I stretched my psyche versus my body. Perhaps the message that I should physically feel the changes is a very Western approach to take. I cannot take the value away of the mental/emotional changes that I felt at the end of the 90 minute class.

Hopefully I can maintain this stillness even in the presence of stress. That is my goal/focus right now in my life. Especially as a therapist I need this skill. I think as a therapist we are like weathermen. We willingly volunteer to go to the heart of the storm. I need to find my grouding so I will not be swept away with it.

This was a very interesting experience. The more time I have to reflect now, the more I think I really got a lot out of the class. Thanks Portia!

Ritual # 16 Sunrise Ritual with My Beloved

2009-05-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

5/9/09

This is one ritual that was somewhat unique in that it spread between two days. On Saturday the 9th I prepared a list of things I love about my husband Brian. Then we got up on Sunday before the sun rose to go watch the sunrise together. While we were watching the sun rise in the sky we would share with each other what we loved most about one another. Think that the sunrise is a powerful time to make an intention. By expressing our love to each other during this time, it stregthens it.

So Brian actually stayed up all night playing video games as he said it would be harder to go to bed and get up. He woke me up at 5:30. The internet said that the sun would rise at 5:55. We threw clothes on and stumbled into the coolness/darkness of early morning. Because we are in the valley we searched for a spot where we could even see the sunrise. Brian drove us to the Skirball exit and we ended up driving up to a higher bridge over the highway. We parked and shivering went out to the bridge to watch the sunrise. It was cloudy however so we couldn't really see the sun. The signs that the sunrise was coming was the lighter sky and the increase of birds singing. I took out my journal and read from it all the reasons why I love this man more than anyone. Things like that he tells me he loves and kisses me on the head before he goes to sleep even if I am asleep. He pulled me close after I finished with my list and I rested my head in the croock of his shoulder as he went on about how he felt about me. It was very sweet and powerful....Things we agreed upon were that we let each other be individuals. We give our opinions to one another but we respect each other's individuality also. Think this is such a healthy thing. We have a very good balance of time spent w/ each other and time on our owns. But we are also very lucky to genuinely like to spend time with each other and each other's friends. Although we might do things seperate some nights. We can hang out together in a group of friends and have a great time w/ one another. We support one another's dreams and respect each other's talents. We celebrate rather then resent each other's accomplishments.

I look at my past relationships and am so amazed that I am genuinely in a mature, mutually supportive/caring/loving relationship. I feel so lucky.

Brian and I after went to Ihop at 6am because we were both starving. So strange to be there without the crowds on a Sunday morning. There were only 2 cops in the restaraunt with us. We had a good time, filled our bellies, and then went back to bed.

What a perfect way to welcome the day by expressing our love for one another.

Ritual #15 Glam Day!

2009-05-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

5/8/09

My friend Erin's suggestion was to have a day where I went and just felt womanly and glamorous. Do my makeup, hair up, and go to stores just trying on fancy and sexy clothes.

With my friend Amy we went to our nearby mall. Hilarious that Amy has been living in the area for a few months and hadn't realized that the mall was there. Now that she knows we prob will be frequenting it more. Yay I have a shopping buddy. We went first to Macy's and were trying to scout out some makeup counters in the hope that they would offer to do our makeup for us. Unfortunately this was not the case so we went off to Sephora where we just walked around and did our makeup with all the samples that were present. That was a lot of fun.

Next we went on a search for clothes. We stopped at Betsey Johnson first and I tried on some fun party dresses. They asked for what occasion and I said my 30th b-day which is not a lie. Anyway that was a lot of fun. I really liked the green one and was amazed that the girl could zip it up. It seemed small but when she zipped it up it hugged me perfectly. Those dresses are like corsets so they are meant to be snug. I have one in the closet. I love it so much and am looking for an opportunity to wear it again.

Amy didn't want to try anything on there so we went to this store that only sold black and white clothes. I found one dress I really liked. I liked how it worked on my waist. We were posing and being silly. Love Amy's sneakers in her pic! So then off we went to this store that sold all really fancy dresses. It was so fun because we just grabbed dresses that we would never wear really to try on. Then we had our own little fashion show.

I found really glam and had such a fun time. Loved the leopard one and the gray and black one. We had such a good time being girly and feeling fabulous about ourselves.

Thanks Erin!

Ritual # 14 Create Beauty

2009-05-07T23:25:00.000-07:00

5/7/09

There is something so special on focusing all of your energy on one thing and getting lost in the details. Creating something out of nothing. Today's ritual was to create something beautiful from my friend Katie. She said it could be anything not just by drawing/painting but also could be cooking, playing music, etc. When you think it there are so many moments when we have the opportunity to fully get into your own creations.

So I have been speculating about my lotus tattoo that I want to get for awhile now. Its been in my head and I have not seen anything that matches what I see. So I decided to give it a try and draw it myself.

It's an unfolding lotus flower. Its symbolic for overcoming struggle, the continued work towards awareness/spirituality, and the unfolding of my heart. There is a heart in the middle shining out of the lotus flower as the petals peel away.

This is just pencil but I would like to add color later perhaps. The actual tattoo will have a purple lotus flower possibly with some yellow, the heart red, the leaves green.

This was a very nice process to create this...it reminds me to take a look at all my endeavors and try to slow down and make them a creation of beauty.

Ritual #13 If it was your last day on earth..what would you say?

2009-05-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

5/6/09

My friend Lisa suggested I write letters to people to let them know everything I feel towards them as if it was my last day on earth. I ended up speaking on the phone with people and others face to face which made the process I believe more powerful then in a letter. It was very emotionally charged.

I love how these rituals are unfolding. I might have a vague idea of my options for rituals in a given day but then circumstances fall in to place and steer me in a certain direction. For instance I got a call from my brother who ended up telling me some difficult things that he has been facing lately. I suddenly told him how proud I am of him and that when ever I talk about him I am full of pride and tell everyone how artistic, smart, talentated, and wonderful guy my brother is. I told him I would always admire him and that he could never let me down. It was very powerful to open up and tell him how I truly feel about him. In addtion I feel that he needed the support in that moment that he has so much value and so much to give. His struggles didn't make him any less in my eyes.

I went over my friend Portia's to bring her some boxes as she is moving. I turned to her and told her how much I value her advice and her opinions. That she sees things how they truly are and has true wisdom. I let her know how grateful and happy I am that she is my friend and that she let me into her world. We got a little teary eyed or maybe that was just me and hugged.

My good friend Janis called later to talk about our upcoming trip to the redwoods. I let her know that I will always consider her like a little sister and that she has a very special place in my heart. I admitted that I am very protective of her like a bigger sister and will always watch out for her.

It was remarkable the turn of the days events. I feel very grateful that I had the the opportunity to do this. Actually we always have the opportunity to tell people how we truly feel. We truly only have the present moment. Take this moment to tell the people in your life how you truly feel about them.

Ritual #12 Love My Body

2009-05-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

5/5/09
Amber's Ritual:
Do as many of these are you are comfortable with. It helps if you make a playlist of songs that make you feel sexy and play it while doing some of these. When you take off your clothes to take a shower peal them off in a sexy manner, strip seductively just for you. When you take a shower really send positive energy to everybody part that you love to show off. Also in the shower send love to the parts of your body you don't like to show off. When you put on your clothes for the day put them on like you are getting ready for a fancy party. Wear glitter somewhere on your body have glossy lips. With or with out color underneath. Wear heels if that is feasible. When you are done for the night strip seductively again before bed.

I got up and had a very luxurious and pampering morning. I took my time getting ready for my shower and spent time in the shower thinking about how I feel about my body. I spent awhile washing every part sending love to it, even the parts that I don't like as much like my butt and thighs :)This is my body and it does so much for me. It deserves and I deserve to love every inch of it.

I found it interesting how my mind kept pulling away from the task at hand. Usually I spend time in the shower thinking about the day ahead, etc. Anything and everything but myself. It was a very different and special experience to just take the time to think and spend time on me. I was silky and sweet by the time I finished my shower. Then for an added luxory I got my body butter out which is an exotic mix with jasmine in it. I spread it head to toe and still feel enveloped in a soft sweet cloud of sensuality. After my shower I took some time picking out my sexiest underwear and putting on each clothing item. I put on a cute flirty red skirt, black shirt, and black pumps. Its Cinco de Mayo so the look was kind of Spanish inspired. Then I moisturized my face and put makeup on.

I feel that it is so important to take this time today to cherish my body. I am starting to become more aware of my body as I get older. I am more aware of what it needs. This includes eating well and exercising but also includes things that make me feel good about myself and my body such as trying fun/sexy clothes that I feel good in and dancing. Dancing is the optimal way for me to feel empowered and good in my body even if its only on my own.

As a budding therapist I keep coming back to body image/self esteem/empowerment issues with young girls. My work in grad school includes creating such events as a Film Festival for girls w/ movies that are empowering for young girls or raise important issues. Also created a workshop called "Loving What I See" for young girls to challenge their views on their body. This is on top of being a girl scout myself and a girl scout camp counselor. I have friends that have had challenges with eating disorders and those that have a day by day struggle. I ask the question, What is wrong with our society that we are still producing girls that feel bad about themselves and engage in these destructive behaviors? What can we do as a society to prevent this?

It starts with me though and how I feel about myself. I need to feel good and accept myself completely first before I expect to do any work with anyone to assist them in accepting themselves.

Ritual #11 Forgiveness is a gift, you give yourself

2009-05-04T16:57:00.000-07:00

5/4/09

Today's ritual is on forgiveness and was donated generously by my friend Lisa. I see myself as someone who usually takes a lot of hurt from other people and then sit with it for a long time after that before I decide that I don't want to carry it around with me. I give compassion out but rarely give myself it. So then I let negativity eat at me and make it grow much bigger than it needs to be rather then addressing when it is smaller. Then forgiveness becomes harder the larger it gets.

The most fitting quote I found about forgiveness was by Rev. Karly Huntley:
"You know you have forgiven someone when they have harmless passage through your mind."

There are times when I will have a memory of someone/situation. There are still some neg. feelings around them. I will spend lots of energy and time living the moment over and over again. I work myself up until I get really upset. For what? It feels so much better to just let go of it.

There is also moments in my life or things that I have done that I have not given myself forgiveness and compassion about. So as I meditate on forgiveness I believe I need to count myself into the equation.

Loving-Kindness Meditation which is abundant in Buddhism is a type of meditation that I have been doing for awhile. Its about sending out love and compassion to not just yourself, those closest to you, but spreading it out towards that you might feel ambivalent about, those you don't like, and the rest of the world. By the time that I am at the end of the meditation I feel full of loving warmth for the entire earth and every living being in it. I feel bigger than myself. The basic Loving-Kindness Meditation is:
May the hearts of all beings be filled with happiness and peace
May all beings be safe and secure
May all beings be healthy and prosperous
May all beings live joyfully and with ease

It might look simple at first. But of course everyone should have that. But then you might stop and think, should the people that murder, rape, steal, do atrocities to people/countries, etc be included? Yes even them. They of course need to be filled with happiness and peace more than anyone. So you see that it starts to get more difficult when you spread this wish to the whole human race and beyond.

This meditation I found on the internet was a really beautiful one that I will take with me. The part about tending my heart like a flower and offering it to everyone around me. When I did this meditation my heart felt expansive and radiating out loving warmth. Everytime my heart my close in fear/anger/resentment towards someone, let me see that flower and offer that back to them instead.
LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION - FLOWER
A guided meditation by Ven. Ayya Khema

Please put your attention on the breath for a few moments.
Look into your heart and find your own capacity to love. Imagine it to be a beautiful flower that you are allowing to grow. Let this beautiful flower expand, so that you're totally filled with the all-encompassing aroma of love.
Give the gift of this flower of love to the person sitting nearest to you. Make it as large as yourself, filled with the most wonderful aroma.
Hand a flower like that, the most beautiful one you can think of, as large as yourself, with the most delightful aroma, the flower of love, to each person present now as a gift from you.
Present this beautiful flower, containing all your love, to the people nearest and dearest to you. Make it large enough to fill each person from head to toe, beautiful enough to arouse joy and delight.
Hand one to all your friends, giving each one the gift of love from your heart, in the shape of a beautiful flower.
Give a beautiful flower of love to all the people that come into your life; those you've met just briefly, those whom you see often. Let them all have the gift of love from you. Give them the most beautiful flower you can imagine.
Hand the beautiful flower of love from your heart to a person, whom you don't like. Let that person also have the same gift from you, making no distinctions between people.
Make as many flowers of love grow in your heart as possible. Hand those beautiful flowers - all containing love, all full of a wonderful aroma - to as many people as you can think of.
Come back to your own heart and observe the beautiful flower growing and expanding. Cherish and cultivate it. Let the beautiful aroma surround and fill you. Let the feeling of having such beauty within bring happiness and joy to you.
May all beings have love in their hearts.

This one was a lot more difficult for me. Envisioning the cords was hard but it gave me time to think of every individual person and really take time to explore my relationship with them and how I still feel after quite some time. Not forgiving someone is a drain on you. The cords should be removed or should be tended so they disappear or become stronger/luminous. Think it is about what kind of energy do I want in my life?

What was interesting about the chakras is that I felt something different/different person appeared in my mind as I explored them. With my throat/3rd eye chackra I found myself thinking a lot about my traineship and the hurt and self doubt that resulted from the relationships with some of my supervisors there and the other interns. I offered forgiveness to them and to myself and found that I felt much lighter about the situation after wards. I feel my trust in mysfelf and my abilities start to creep back but feel that going to school/traineeship while I learned tons also has made myself doubt my own internal abilities. With forgiveness I think I will start to regain some of that confidence.

Forgiveness Meditation
Close your eyes and ground and center.
See yourself as a transparent being. Focus your attention along the vertical alignment at the central core of your being, which may appear as the trunk of your sacred tree. Seek the sensations that identify the chakra centers. You may perceive them as luminous wheels of light. Take the time you need to allow these images to become strong and clear, in whatever way they develop. That may be through feelings, thoughts, knowing, or images, or your own personal and unique perception….
Begin by focusing on the first wheel of light at the first chakra center at the base of your spine. Look there for the threads and cords that emanate like branches or twigs. You will see lots of connections, many of which are luminous and some of which are dark and dense or brittle. Reach in with your inner hand to remove those dark cords that come away easily.
Choose one of the dense cords that remain, and follow it to its source. There you will get a picture or thought of the person at the other end of the cord. When you perceive the being at the other end, you will know whether you must offer forgiveness or ask for it.
Open your heart as best you can….Offer forgiveness by saying in your mind to the person, “I forgive you completely.”
If you feel you need forgiveness from the person at the other end of ht cord, ask what you can do to be forgiven, and be willing to negotiate…
Notice as the dark and dense cord that connects you either vanishes or turns clear and luminous…
Work your way up through the chakra system from the first to the seventh chakra, dealing with as many cords as is reasonable and comfortable.
When you have dealt with as many of the cords as you care able to at the moment, release the image you have created and ground and center yourself. Notice how much lighter you feel.
You can return to complete the work over a period of time, after which maintaining clear chakras is easily accomplished by checking in and doing the exercise periodically.

Thought this is a beautiful meditation that you can do in the moment after a situation to forgive and let go before you give it time or more negative energy.

Forgiveness Meditation
Close your eyes and breathe deeply. With each inward breath, feel the love of Spirit flowing into the crown of your head. Embraced by love, you allow pain and fear to gently float out of your body, returning to the heavens. Accept the love, allowing it to release the pain of the situation with the other person.
Now hold yourself and the other person in a safe, quiet place in your heart. You both are washed by the love of God flowing through your being. Bathed in light of love, you see each other as God sees you: wonderful beings on a journey home to your inner selves. Holding both of you in love, say out loud, Dear friend, I hold love and only the highest and best for you in this moment. I forgive you and I forgive myself for the painful choices made in this situation. I let this experience go with love.
Let love fill your heart completely as the image of you both dissolves in the light. Stay in this place of love and forgiveness for a moment, remembering this peace of body, mind and spirit.

Think it's interesting that the hardest part is to give myself forgiveness and compassion. After awhile I was able to let go of most of all the negative feelings and forgive others but I still have a lot more to go to forgive myself.

Ritual # 10 Riding the ups and downs of life

2009-05-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

5/3/09

Although part of yesterday at Magic Mountain/6 Flags I was slightly cursing my friend Monica's name for getting me into riding roller coasters I had a great time.
Monica's ritual for my b-day was ride the biggest roller coaster I could. What instantly came to mind was the roller coaster, Goliath at 6 Flags which has the biggest drop.

Check out the ride on the spinge tingling scary ride that is Goliath here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqpowPCTBAM

The roller coaster ritual was more than just to have fun but a greater metaphor for life. Roller coaster is like life with its ups and downs. As you click up the hill you don't really know what will happen. You can't see past the tracks in front of you. How do you respond to those unforseen forces? Do you hold on tight with your eyes closed,clenching at the bar or do you throw up your arms in surrender. Do you let go of control of forces that are not in your ability to control. It was interesting to notice my reaction. I got nervous everytime getting on the ride. I am an eyes closed holding on for my life type of roller coaster rider. I tried to let go of some control and enjoy it more. This being symbolic of how I want to let go more in my life and enjoy the trip.

Brian and I also had a great time together as an added bonus. We got a chance to be silly and goofy with each other which is always great. We rode about 7-8 rides and went home tired but happy.

I hope that after this ritual I can start to approach challenges and surprises in my life with more curiousity/excitement/and a carefree attitude. The ride is what is important, not the destination.

Ritual #9 Lake Shrine

2009-05-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

Since I've known my friend Ginger, she's always raved about this place called Lake Shrine. Its part of the Self-Realization Fellowship and was dedicated by Paramahansa Yogananda in 1950. So on this beautiful Saturday morning we headed out to Lake Shrine. It is a lovely and serene sanctuary in the middle of a busy city. I for one didn't even know that it existed and have driven past its entrance numerous times. When you enter on the grounds it almost feels like you enter an alternate dimension. They ask you to leave your cell phones off and to respect the quiet of the temple grounds. Without external noise and extraction, you can truly to take in the beautiful scenery around you and create inner stillness within yourself. We sat on a bench overlooking the lake taking in everything around us and being at peace. We were able to leave everything outside the grounds and just feel full of bliss and joy. We could take off our masks and the heaviness that I feel that we all carry around with us.

The grounds are full of gorgeous flowers of every kind. Roses, bushes, all types of greenery. There is an area dedicated to Gandhi as some of his ashes are actually held here. A little boathouse is tied up where Paramahansa Yogananda would stay at times. There were these koi that were bigger than any fish I have ever seen and in so many colors. There are pellets which you could feed the fish with. I was amazed how all the lake life lived together in harmony. The koi, turtles, ducks, and swans were all swimming around together vying for pellets. It was remarkable to see. There also seems to be doves that were hand raised that live around and stay near the lake.

We walked inside and meditated for awhile. I felt these very strong vibrations while inside. It was very powerful. We stayed there for awhile and felt very at peace when we left.

I think it is wonderful to have such a friend who you can laugh uncontrollably with but also sit together in contended silence.

We went to the shop and met up with Ginger's cousin Katrina who works there. She is very sweet and peaceful herself. It was very nice to meet her.

Then with our stomachs growling we stopped at Sonny Mcleans which is this great Boston themed bar on Wilshire. Got some great fried food and beers. Think that topped off the day.

It is so amazing to know that Lake Shrine is somewhere close to home that I can go when I need a little more grounding and peace in my life.

Ritual #8 Solo Dance Party

2009-05-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

Ahhh so this was a blast! My friend Jess gave me the idea of having my own private dance party. I got my dance clothes and set my computer to the pandora radio site which plays music for free. I have an 80's dance party station that I played first. I ran around my living room, pumping my fist in the air, rocking out with the 80's. My cats ran startled out of the room at first. I absolutely love 80's music and closed my eyes and rocked out to Tears to Fears, Depeche Mode, Cure, etc. 80's music just has this fun side but also a darker seductive side too with the more industrial 80's music.
Dancing tonight reminded me of when I was younger and I would blast the radio and dance around my room. There is just such a freeing experience of completely letting go without worrying how your body looks or is moving. Sometimes when I'm out in clubs I can get that feeling of utter abandon and just dance my heart out but sometimes I end up being more reserved than I want. This was just a freak show! I think someone would have committed me if they saw me dancing! :)
I jumped around, leaning against walls, sauntering around the room, falling back against furniture. I found another really great station on the pandora station called erotica underground. It's electronica but with tribal undertones/beats. It's really good. Some more African some more Indian inspired. I grabbed my coin skirt for bellydancing and a wrap that I used as a veil. I shimmied, shaking it all over the place. I have an exercise ball and I ended up rolling around on it on my back to the music for a bit. That was fun! I was just trying to be completely free and allow myself to be inspired. I even did a somersault. Ouch my head hurts a little from that but it was worth it. I actually had a really good time, sweated, got a good workout, and felt silly/carefree. It was a great way to complete the workweek.

It makes me miss all the impromptu dance parties we would have at our apartment when we were in college. But I know that I can have my very own impromptu dance parties whenever I want now!

Schedule of rituals

2009-04-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

Friday 4/24/09 - Fire Ritual (Amy)
Saturday 4/25/09 - Mosaic (Holly)
Sunday 4/26/09 - Reflection (Shannon)
Monday 4/27/09 - Spreading Love (Kolleen)
Tuesday 4/28/09 - Do something special (Mom)
Wednesday 4/29/09 - New Dance Class (Helena)
Thursday 4/30/09 - Inspire Someone (Susanne)
Friday 5/1/09 - Solo Dance Party (Jessica)
Saturday 5/2/09 - Lake Shrine (Ginger)
Sunday 5/3/09 - Ride rollercoaster (Monica)
Monday 5/4/09 - Forgiveness (Lee)
Tuesday 5/5/09 - Love my Body (Amber)
Wednesday 5/6/09 - Last Day on Earth (Lisa F)
Thursday 5/7/09 - Create Beauty (Katie)
Friday 5/8/09 - Glam Day! (Amber)
Saturday 5/9/09 - Sunrise Ritual w/ Brian (Jamie)
Sunday 5/10/09 - Renewal Yoga Class (Portia)
Monday 5/11/09 - Help a stranger (Jenna)
Tuesday 5/12/09 - Act like a kid/Keep beginner's mind (Kristine)
Wednesday 5/13/09 - Love letter to myself (Indushrie)
Thursday 5/14/09 - 4 Part art project/Life Symbolization (Nicole)
Friday 5/15 - Letters for the future (Jessica)
Saturday 5/16 - Travel to somewhere new in California (Michelle)
Sunday 5/17 - The Mystical Red Woods (Janis)
Monday 5/18 - My life story* (Andrea)
Tuesday 5/19 - Observatory (Tina)
Wednesday 5/20 - Sunset Beach Ritual (Deborah)
Thursday 5/21 - Contact Someone from my Past* (Denise)
Friday 5/22 - Mission Impossible/Prank (Lisa)
Saturday 5/23 - B-day celebration/Friendship
Sunday 5/24 - B-DAY!/Spa Day (Tanya)

Ritual #7 Inspire Someone

2009-04-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

4/30/09

**Dedicated to Ursula**

My friend Susanne wanted me to try to inspire an elderly person or child with a statement. This is what came out of it, enjoy!

I have had the wonderful opportunity to start to get to know this German elderly woman named Ursula at the nursing home that I work at. She is not on the unit where I work but because of this new lunch program where we are socializing more with the residents I find that I stop and visit her every day. She always eats alone in her room. I feel that although I try to inspire and give her suggestions/advice she in turn gives me the same. Is there any type of relationship that is ever one sided?

I always get pulled into Ursula's world. Even though she repeats her stories you can't help be drawn in each time. She was a housekeeper/maid/entrepreneur that came from Germany in her young twenties only knowing two English words, "Alright," and "Ok." Her mother wanted her to go undt (German word for and I think) make dollars in America but only gave her $10 to start out. She first worked for nuns. She likes to share that everything was alright. The food was alright, the work was alright, the people were alright, but one thing was not right! The money. She only got $100/mo. She decided she should change this. She saw a job in the Jewish newspaper looking for help. She met them and said I'm a Catholic but I have nothing against Jewish people. She said they got along fine and that they were wonderful people. She worked for them for 3 years and 50 years later they still call her to follow up on how she is. Ursula talks a lot about common sense and how that is how she got by and took care of herself and her daughter. She survived an abusive marriage with a man that had schizophrenia and used to beat her badly. She didn't know much English but knew she had to change this. She ended up getting a divorce in the same court house where she got married.

One amazing tid bit was she actually worked for Elvis as a housekeeper/cook. She remembers Priscilla and said that her own daughter was very close in age with Priscilla. She said she didn't understand the big deal. He had a nice two story house and everyone had a Mercedes. She said it makes her sick that everyone thinks its such a big deal.

She is very health conscious. I am proud of her that she still eats and does what she wants at her age, which is prob at least in her 70's. She alternates her days at lunch from having bread and butter. She eats the best bread and takes her time. Then after she will have a glass of red wine. I often help her uncork the bottle and pour a small glass. Then other alternating days she might have bananas and milk. I hope I can stay strong with my traditions and what I want when I get older. It seems so easy to just get pushed into a routine with what is expected of you in institutions like a nursing home.

Ursula cleans up as much as she can in her wheelchair. She will billow a huge sigh if there is a spot on her table she just can't reach or clean off. If she could stand out of her wheelchair, I am sure that she would be scrubbing everything down.

While she inspires me with what she has accomplished, her determination against great odds, and her perseverance, I feel like I in return give her something back. When I walk in with a cheerful hello every day, her face brightens, she gives me a little smile, and her eyes twinkle. She loves to share with me a new photo or tell me the latest gossip about what nurse is doing what on the unit. I don't know if anything I say specifically has a great impact but I think my presence and my whole hearted desire to be there and hear her does.

In my small way I might say something to get her to soften up her strong views. She has a very hard view on people, especially when they don't measure up in her eyes. What I remember I said today was "Sometimes people will disappoint you but then other times they will surprise you." Don't think that was an earth shattering statement but she seemed to stop for a moment and think. I have no false illusions however that it will change how she thinks for a moment. I can expect that tomorrow she will be carrying on the same and I love that about her.

Hope you enjoyed meeting my friend Ursula. Look out for people in your world that you never thought would inspire you or likewise. They are out there waiting to meet you.

Ritual #6 Dance to a New Beat

2009-04-30T11:15:00.000-07:00

4/29/09

I was full of excitement when I read my friend Helena's ritual for me. She asked me to go and participate in a dance class that I have never done before. I have always wanted to get into Arican Dance. It is one of the most joyful, beautiful, carefree, active dances I have ever seen. I explored online and was struggling to find a class that I would feel comfortable in coming in as a beginner as I was. Then my exploration brought me to Heartbeat House, http://www.heartbeathouse.com and I fell in love with this place before I even went! Its hard especially in LA with all the professional dancers to find a dance center that offers classes that do not have a competitive feel and are geared for adults. Heartbeat House is it! Its in Atwater Village right off Los Feliz. The studio is pretty small, just two rooms. One as the waiting room and one dance room with a full length mirror on one side and a hard wood floor. I watched the previous class finish, which was Burlesque Ballet. Ballet with a sexy twist. They did a beautiful routine that was really sassy and I ached to join in, maybe next week. When I signed in they told me that for all new students there is a special where you can do $5/class for your first week! This is amazing..I can actually take 5 classes for the price of 1.

Our teacher was Doris and damn did she give us all a workout. I was sweating bullets and my heart was pounding out of my chest. We did a wonderful workout and then we started to build a routine. I soo miss having a routine to dance to. I have been doing some Contact improv dance which has also been amazing but I miss some structure. We broke into groups and performed taking turns. I felt exhilarated and couldn't help by having this big stupid grin plastered on my face. You can't help express yourself when you are dancing African.

I have felt this void inside my chest that only dance can fill. Its one of my major modes of expression and didn't realize that I had missed it so much. Thank you Helena for giving me this opportunity to rediscover dance and reintegrate it into my life.

I am soo sore today. I love that feeling. How could I want to sit in a gym, sitting stationary lifting weights that are clunky and painful versus engaging in full body bliss dancing my heart out? I feel sore from top to bottom. I don't think I have ever danced before where my actual shoulders, back, arms, stomach, and legs are all sore and feel so good.

YAY!

Ritual #5 Doing something special

2009-04-28T23:52:00.001-07:00

4/28/09

**Jenna got the card! Here is her reply**
Hey Tree,

I got your birthday card and the phone call. You are too sweet! I love your card. That was awesome. Where did you even find that picture? Wow! That was old.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So this ritual has a kind of funny start. My mom suggested for a ritual to make an effort for someone's birthday, put effort into making a card so they knew I was thinking of them. She felt that it was more personalized. Funny thing is I had just sent a card out by email to my step dad so I thought she was on one hand commenting on sending him a generic email. Hey, most people will throw away a card unless it has a special message in it or something. I thought it was more eco to send email cards but turns out my mom and step dad hadn't checked their email so they didn't know I had sent an email card.

Anyway for this ritual I decided to make a card for my friend Jenna. Her birthday is coming up in about a week. As I took the time to plan out what I would make I suddenly had a flood of all these great memories with Jenna. We have been friends since we were Freshman in college which is actually about 10 years ago, how crazy! She was friends with my roomie, Katie but we ended up becoming better friends and hanging out more than she did with her. Jenna has this great personality. She is sarcastic and hilarious but also sweet, loving, and extremely generous. We spent many nights at college talking until 4am with a Yankee Fresh Cut Grass candle burning. Other times we would pile in her car she named George and try to get lost. Think she was the first one to take me to Cogswell Park in Fitchburg which is this beautiful pond. You can walk around the lake and feed the ducks. I've met her family and especially love her brother Josh and his fiance Julie. I definitely benefited from her culinary skills as she used to bake all the time.

A chocolate chip cookie stood out in my mind. Friendship is like a fresh warm cookie from the oven. Its warm, comforting, and sweet. So I ended up cutting out paper from a paper bag to make the cookie, construction paper for the chocolate chips, and I scanned a pic of us to put inside the card. On the outside it says, The sweetest thing...and in the inside it says, to have a friend like you.

I really enjoyed making this. I think my mom had a point. When you really time and thought into something for someone close in your life you really ponder what they would like and your connection with them. It was really nice to take time to reflect and I enjoyed making it by my hands.

Hope that she smiles when she opens it up :)

Ritual #4 Spreading the Love

2009-04-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

4/27/09
So my friend Kolleen for this ritual had me take a stack of stickie notes and put "you are beautiful" on each one and place theme all over the place. So I wrote them all out the night before. I had to rush to move my car so I wouldn't get a ticket on street washing day so I wasn't able to place the notes too many places in the morning. I placed them on some doors and cars around my neighborhood. When I got to work, I ran around and placed them on some car doors, in the medication room at work, bathroom mirrors, and on computer screens. It was fun to watch people wonder who had done it and I heard that some people thought it was really nice and made them feel good about themselves. One woman said she had never gotten a note like that before. On my way home I had to stop at CVS. I was going to go to the bookstore after to place them in books or something but then I had a thought. I went to the magazine aisle and picked up fashion magazines. I thought, what would be better than picking up a fashion mag, wishing you could look like the air brushed models and turn a page and see "you are beautiful." I took a pic with my phone so I wouldn't be too obvious.

I hope that it did make people stop and smile. Perhaps it will cause a ripple affect around as each person passes on that feeling of love and self acceptance.

Thanks Kolleen!

Ritual 3 - Reflection

2009-04-26T21:01:00.000-07:00

4/26/09
Wow did Shannon put me to work on this one. The ritual consists of lots of writing/reflection exercises. I ended up writing by the pool where I live which is a very peaceful place where I spend a lot of my free time.

From my journal:
Today I am sitting in my courtyard near the pool. I like it out here. I can hear the sounds of the neighborhood but also the sound of the birds in the trees and fleeting around the flowers. I spend a lot of time out here in the warmer weather. In the heat of the summer I spend hours in the pool, reading with my towel out so I can stand in the pool leaning over the side.

30 things I am grateful for:
1) Health - For myself and others
2) Love
3) Friendship
4) A passion/purpose in my life
5) Time off
6) The honor of being part/impacting other people's lives in some small way
7) A beautiful clear morning, a fresh start
8) The air in my lungs
9) I live in a country where I can express my beliefs openly and without any fear
10) I'm free to express myself the way I feel comfortable with
11) How I feel after a good yoga class/workout.
12) My marriage with my hubbie
13) A good nights sleep - don't knock it :)
14) A beautiful view after putting all the effort in to reaching the summit
15) Financial stability
16) Good nutritious food that energizes my body.
17) My connection to every other living being. I'll never be truly alone in the world.
18) Being home to visit, see my friends and family for the holidays.
19) Seeing miracles unfold around me. Having the wherewithal to pay attention and be aware of all the special moments.
20) For people that see that life is bigger then just them and give back.
21) Being part of a greater whole.purspose
22) Jamming to a really good song and just being in the groove.
23) Being able to dance deliriously until I am the music.
24) Finding a spiritual community
25) Building/Having a home where I can be restored (Kitties and Brian)
26) Opportunity to travel out of my own small world and go on adventures.
27) Change - Even though extremely uncomfortable at times, change make me challenge myself even beyond where I think my limits are.
28) Having a quiet place inside me that I find in meditation etc where I am connected to my true self.
29) Having ways to communicate and stay in contact with friends and family even though so far away.
30) Memories - It means so much to me to reflect back on my life and remembering all the sig. moments in my life.

30 things that I have accomplished
1) My education - I feel pretty good about my education. I graduated with honors from high school, cum laude and so close to getting magna from college, and graduated grad school before turning 30.
2) Got through my traineeship at Tarzana Treatment Center! I can survive anything!
3) Got awarded a stipend through LA County DMH, now just have to get a job. :)
4) Moved successfully across the country and still doing great 3 years later. Brian and I both have good jobs and a good network of friends.
5) Completed a 2 week survival course in Maine when I was 17 years old.
6) Have had poetry published
7) Got a soccer scholarship
8) Have a really wonderful understanding husband and wonderful marriage
9) Worked with/mentored teens affected with adoption with art/theatre therapy. Put on a play. It feels like an accomplishment because it was a parrallel process and encouraged me to work through some of my own stuff as I am adopted.
10) I was a camp counselor at this Girl Scout camp in MA. I got awarded a recognition for creativity and they were impressed with my work with the theatre group that they offered me a position as a theatre director for the next year.
11) I've been inducted in 3 honor's societies. The Psych Honor's Society, Freshman's Honor's Society, and the National Honor's Society. Also got on Who's Who Among Students recognition.
12) In highschool I got the gold award for art. I didn't neccessarily draw better than others but got it because of my dedication. I would spend lunch periods hanging out in the art room finishing projects.
13) I am a good friend
14) I am a good sister
15) I am a good daughter
16) I am a good wife
17) Had like $8,000 saved before I went to college from all the work I did. I 've worked and saved since I was 12 years old.
18) I went to sailing school. I acutally got to sail the boat Kevin Kostern did in the movie No Way Out. I have survived sailing through more than one terrible storm.
19) I've danced since I was 4 and think I am a good dancer
20) I got up the guts to go paraisailing in Martha's Vineyard with my friend Andrea
21) Danced a whole recital with a sprained ankle. Some of the dances were on pointe. Don't know if this was amazing or just stupid.
22) Canoyed on Class IV rapids
23) Have my Reiki II in the Usui Method
24) I have gained a greater confidence/belief in myself. When I am being hard on myself I look back at a time when I was so shy that I was afriad to order a pizza on the phone. Everything that I have achieved since then seems such a significant shift that I can give myself more patience and understanding.
25) I feel that I have had some positive impact on the people around me and the world through my actions as an activist, volunteer, therapist, social worker.
26) I try to be earth conscious even though it is inconvenient at times. I use energy efficient bulbs, reusable bags, reusable water bottle, recycle everythign I can, conserve my water, buy in season and organic.
27) I think I was a brave little girl who although had a lot of bad things happen early in my life still maintained an open heart and was willing to give and receive love.
28) I stay true to who I am. ALthough this has not been always met with postiive reactions. I don't play into games, I am just real. I remember a friend of a friend came up to me once in high school and told me that he really respected me because I didn't give in to the pressure to be in one group or another. He said that he didn't know what category to put me in. That was one of the best compliments I have ever been given.
29) I paid off my car which is only 5 years old!
30) Think I am pretty well read. I love reading and think I have a good bank of knowledge along with my very inquisitive mind.

30 Things I want to accomplish
1) Become more confidant and knowledgable in my abilities as a therapist.
2) Integrate more holistic principles/somatic forms into my practice.
3) Become a Jungian analyst.
4) Become a mother - Not right now but I feel like that is the one experience being a mother will be truly amazing and transformative. I look forward to it but perhaps a few years from now.
5) Have a home - either a condo/house hopefully in the next few years.
6) Get a job with the stipend!
7) Get certified in somatic therapy.
8) Become a yoga instructor
9) Perhaps study Thai Massage/Phoenix Rising/Alexander Technique
10) Integrate more dance in my life. Has become harder but dance is life for me.
11) Maintain friendships and relationships in my life.
12) Open a wellness center
13) Maintain a good, open, mutually understanding marriage.
14) Stay active/good shape/good health
15) Keep working and living my passion and purpose
16) Buy a hybrid or electric car.
17)Want to be respected and known in my chosen field but not famous.
18) Feel very comfortable with who I am, more at ease.
19) Become more organized in my life, less chaos.
20) Go traveling!! Feel like I haven't really gotten to see the world. Places that I would like to see would be:
Thailand
Africa
Egypt
Hawaii
India
Costa Rica
Australia
Tour Europe - England, France, Spain, Germany, Ireland, Scotland
21) Write a book one day r/t my experience as a clinician. Insights or possible a new approach that I might develop.
22) Be able to teach
23) Run workshops
24) Have a dog - share this one with Brian :)
25) Be financially stable/comfortable
26) Get a tattoo - my lotus flower
27) Continue to be there for my friends and family through the good times and bad.
28) Become a better artist
29) Become more involved with activism worldwide
30) Finally beat a video game on my own. I finished one called Sanatarium but Brian helped some.

Shannon has me writing about 30 people that have impacted my life and how I have impacted their lives. After a few hours writing and only getting to number 6 I started on some of the other exercises. I will take some additional time to write up these so I can put enough thought and feeling that they need.
I will post the rest later............I'm tired :)

Ritual 2 - Mosaic Class

2009-04-26T20:37:00.001-07:00

4/25/09
I got up bright and early on Saturday to meet my friend Holly in Topanga so we could travel to our mosaic class. Coffee in hand I journeyed to Holly's home in the hills. We had a very nice drive in, talking and catching up. When we entered the class everyone was so welcoming and friendly. I felt like I had died and gone to art heaven. I am a junkie when it comes to art and I was in a room that was quite large and full to the brim with different types of tile, glass, and boards. I was invited to go through all of it and pick out what I wanted. Was I excited. First was the task however was thinking up what I wanted to do. When Holly mentioned that the mosaic could be something to symbolize our friendship I instantly thought of a sun. Holly and also a lot of the amazing friends I have our like sunshine in my life. I grow and flourish when I have the warmth of friendship and love in my life. So what I decided to make was a flower arching up to a bigger than life sun. I found a picture of an orchid that I sketched from (Don't worry I will post pics soon problem is just finding the cord to upload them. I keep on misplacing it!) Then I started to pick up tiles in oranges, reds, yellows - sun/different shades of greens, yellows- grass, little tiles of blues/grays/tans/ - for the sky. They are teeny tiny and think will look good and be easier to put in. I stared at my picture and then the tiles. How was I going to get them to fit? Glass cutters in hand I started to break them apart. My pieces were jagged at first but became straighter. Still I was clueless of how I was going to get it to fit into the small places on the board like the stem of the flower. I spoke to the teacher, Tara who is so completely hilarious and awesome. She told me to scrap the tiles and go for the stained glass which was easier to cut and more forgiving. So she showed me how to hold them and shape the glass into arches and taper it so the next piece would connect. It was such a slow process but I got into an almost meditative state where I was just so absorbed into it. Once in awhile I would come out of it and talk to Holly or the teacher but mostly I just got in the zone. Holly and I took a break and went to this cute diner next door that served food. I had a turkey burger while she had a omelet. The food was excellent as was the company :) Blood sugar back in its proper place, we were able to get back on task. We were there a total of 6hrs and I don't have a lot of work to show for it. The flower petals are a quarter of being done, the leaves are half done but there is so much more to go. I think it might have been a big undertaking for the first time but I am excited to go back and finish. Holly has this beautiful abstract mosaic she started with pinks and oranges. It looks mountainous to me a bit. She had a finished one which she grouted. It looked amazing when she finished. I am excited to get to that step.

Holly had this to say about mosaics which I thought was very insightful and important for this overall project. She said that mosaics are like life in that we are only given the pieces, we are never given the whole picture, but when we put it all together it creates something unexpected and beautiful. I think I am taking some liberties with what she said but think that was the overall meaning.

On our way back I got to see her place where she is living with two other roommates. Its a large home of these sisters whose parents I believe have moved away. It seems like a very peaceful refuge.

It was an incredible time and I will be searching everywhere for my cord so I can upload the pics!

#1 Ritual - Letting go

2009-04-24T17:27:00.000-07:00

4/24/09 Fire Ritual
I did a fire ritual donated by my friend Amy. It seemed fitting for the first ritual as fire can be cleansing, a new beginning, and leaves fertile ground for things to grow. The ritual consisted of burning artifacts or representations (writing on strips of paper) things I want to let go or bring into my life. I wasn't sure first where to have it. I was getting desperate and thinking I would have to burn each one by using a candle, a little anti climatic. It dawned on me that it would be perfect to have it at my friend Tanya's. Tanya is such a spiritual adviser/mentor that it was perfect. Additionally she has a great big backyard and a fire pit. I was so glad that Amy got to participate too. I picked up Amy around 7:30pm after I had went out and bought the wood. We went and picked up a bottle of wine and some cheese. When we got to Tanya's she was still out purchasing some things. When she got back she showed up with a good spread. We had chips, dips, olives, cheese, crackers, and wine when we were done. It was really nice. We sat and chilled for a bit catching up before we built a fire up. Tanya and I were wrapped in blankets around the fire due to a bit of a night chill. We found it hilarious that Amy was still in a short sleeved shirt and high heels. She recently moved from New England so 40/50 degrees felt pretty warm to her still. We wrote on slips of paper and took turns sharing how what we wanted to let go of and then we placed it in the fire. We waited until the whole slip of paper burnt completely and was extinguished before we went on. The burning of the paper seemed as meaningful and symbolic as the actual sharing was. The slips would burn in many different ways. Sometimes until only one word would show, or sometimes very slowly. We seemed to find it symbolic/fitting of what we were actually sharing. In the circle was Tanya to my right, her daughter sitting next to her, and Amy on my left. I was honored, touched, and inspired by everyone's sharing. My own sharing was very cathartic. It made the experience so much more to have people to witness what I wanted to let go of. That they were people that I cared a lot for was a bonus.

Some of the items I shared and burnt to let go of included:
Doubt - self doubt seems to be preventing me from reaching my full potential. I like what my friend Tanya says, "you have to get out of your own way.

Perfectionism- Things will not fall apart because I don't do things perfect. I will not be any less of a worthy person. Letting go of the fear that I will be judged poorly if I don't always appear perfect, letting some of my defenses down.

Letting go of fear/anxiety - I don't need them except in a flight or fight situation :) (psychology joke....lame) There isn't really any reason why I need to carry around worry, fear, and anxiety about my life. I need to try the best I can in any given situation and not worry past that. I have done what I can.

Sensitivity - I shared how my sensitivity is both a strength and weakness. I talked about how I want to maintain my sensitivity but to harness it more positively so it doesn't take me over and I take things so personally.

Bringing in:
An open heart - not afraid of being hurt

Being more authentic

I also let go that I finally graduated - It doesn't really feel real but I need to put it out there and realize that it is finished, I can celebrate, and move on from here

We all shared how light we felt after completing all of the sharing and burning. It was quite a wonderful experience and a great start! Thanks again to Amy, Tanya, and Tanya's daughter for being witnesses, participating, and being so supportive.

Right action

2009-04-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

It makes me sick sometimes to see how others respond to responsibilities and how much ego they have. When I am on break at work if I get a call, if someone needs something, or I have someone come by my office. I might have an inner sigh but I will respond and put my needs on temporary hold.

At work just now we were all eating lunch. The wife of the new pt. called just to check on how he was doing. One nurse spoke to me rudely and said
"Don't bother us, we are eating!" I ignored her and let them know that the family was waiting on the other line. 5-7 minutes the phone was beeping because no one had picked it up yet. I peeked out and no one had even budged their fat arses. Thought it was tremendously rude, selfish, and uncaring. "Helping professionals" that are what nurses are often referred to but let me give you the inside track. Nurses are one of the laziness bunch of people that I have ever met. They know how to spring to action when need be but otherwise do as little as possible.

Not all of course but enough that it is really disheartening. It is hard to stay on track with what you need to do and not to be swayed to respond to that kind of behavior or make you wonder why you put in so much effort to offset theirs. I face that kind of attitude in many settings. "Why should I?" "What difference will it make" are some examples of some of this behavior.

I knew this one girl who would throw her soda cans away while there was a can for recyclables a few feet away. I would actually take them out and put them in the recyclabes. She used to say that her and her future children thank me for doing it because she can't remember or have time. It is always that someone else will do it. How emersed into yourself do you have to not realize that every action you make has a reaction. It is your responsibility to deal with the consequences of your actions, period!
But it isn't about them. I can only control my actions and try to inspire others by staying true to what I belive in.

(First day) On my path

2009-04-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

Today marks the first of the 30 day rituals that I am doing for my 30th birthday. I feel that this is a venture that I will remember for the rest of the day. It might just be another birthday but inside me I feel this shift that is happening. One of my friends who is in her 50's said that she has witnessed these moments in her life where she can feel a real change occuring within her and her life. I feel like this is one of those moments in my life.

I am on my Path
I have been rummaging in the forest with branches tugging at my hair and clothes not knowing which way to go
My eyes unseeing
I have tumbled and scraped my knees and palms until they bled
My throat and skin have burned from thirst and from the sun
I have walked down roads that have led to cliffs and horrors
Weeping and calling for a home I couldn't find
Til I stopped and listened to the voice inside my heart and soul
The forests's song offering a sweet invitation
My bare feet whispered upon the cool untrodden grass
The lids of my eyes softly kissing my eyes until all I see is a soft glow beckoning me closer
I step into a wide open field the sweet breeze drying my tears and sweat and I feel a sense of welcome
I cradle my arms to my heart and raise my head in joy and say thank you thank you
While the first rain drop falls on my forehead and I am bathed in the baptism of renewal
I am ready now I hear in a voice deep inside me that feels more real then my own
I tentatively step forward and the sun breaks through the clouds welcoming me again to myself and my future.

Reactions from Earth Day Event and ideas on "convenience"

2009-04-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

So I participated in an Earth Day event at Griffith Park on Saturday, April 18th. All the information I had was it went to 8:30am-2pm and we would be restoring the park r/t some of the fire damage that had occured. The day was blistering hot and when I arrived I signed in and waited to start. I talked pleasantly with some of the volunteers waiting for another 30 minutes before the event started. We gathered around and did some group activities and exercises to get warmed up. We gathered tools, gloves, and bags which we brought with us to the river at the park. It was a dried up river bed full of leaves, logs, and brush. We spent the day raking, bagging, moving brush/logs, and removing trash that ended up in the dried river bed. We went from the begining to the end of the river. With all the many volunteers which averaged over 60 less than 100, we finished the whole thing in 3 hours straight. Many of us were coughing and sneezing at the end of it, sweaty, and dehydrated. But was it great! It was so amazing to work hand and hand with so many people for one vision. I met some amazing, exuberant, caring individuals. I got a really nice gift bag and I prob slept that night the best in a long long time. I went home, took a shower, and slept for about 1 1/2 hours. I then went to a fiesta themed b-day party for my friend's husband complete with catered food: carne asada/pollo asada, rice, frijoles, cheese enchiladas. There was a margarita dispensor, professional videographer, professional dj, bar tender, and a mariachi band. It was a great time but went home very early for me at a party. Got there around 6:30 and left around 9:30. I was asleep a little after 10pm, slept amazingly. Woke up completely awake by 7am and was super productive.

There is something about working with your body that seems so natural. My body took over on instinct to a natural rythm that felt really good. My body wasn't used to it but not that long ago we had to work hard at every task. Doing laundry was an all day thing, using a washing board, wringer, hanging up to dry. Now we push a button. Along with doing good for the earth, wouldn't it be interesting to look at what is truly good for us. Everybody thinks the best thing for us is convenience. Convenience doesn't seem good for either us or the earth. Frozen food creates lots of waste with factories, packing materials, etc. but food that has been preserved, frozen, etc packs less nutrients, more sodium, fat, etc then fresh food. Making everything convenient gives an impression that we need to rush through all of our tasks. What are we rushing away from and rushing towards? Should we rush through all of our daily tasks, etc not truly being alive just to have enough time to watch 3hrs of tv at night? I think past doing good for the earth I will look at what I do to be "convenient." Is it truly good for me or good for the earth?

Exposing myself to summer

2009-04-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

I know that this doesn't really fit into my blog description including activism, change, etc. but in some ways it is transformative. What is more vulnerable then shedding clothes and exposing people to my white skin. Bathing suits can also be empowering if you feel good and sexy into them. I have never felt truly comfortable in a bathing suit. I have been okay with the top but I will always wear big skirts, etc and shade them just when Im about to jump in the pool. No matter how many crunches I will never have that beautiful flat stomach that I see on bathing suit models. Then I saw the bathing suit style Monokins and fell in love. They are like one pieces that want to be a bikini. Lots of sexy cut outs of material. A lot often cover some of the lower stomach but expose enough other skin to make it still a very sexy look. Here are some examples of suits that I like. I threw in a few one pieces too...

I'd love some advice for those that know me and my style, what would work best. I would be so excited to rock a suit and feel like a beautiful/sexy beach babe.

I'm Ready!

2009-04-21T18:42:00.001-07:00

So I received notice this month that I have been selected as one of the recipients of a stipend provided by LA County Department of Menatl Health (DMH) in the sum of $18,500 to be given in one lump some in exchange for committing for one year to a DMH or DMH contracted facility in an identified high need geographic or service area. I went to an informational session today at Phillip Graduate's Institute and signed a contract agreeing to all the stipulations, etc. What they are providing is pretty amazing. I am in job search mode anyway since I've graduated and not only am I getting paid to look for a job but we are given lots of resources, support, and priority to land a DMH job. The only thing that is a little nerve racking is that I have only 3 months to get a job. If I haven't shown due diligence in trying to get a job in that time span then I have to fork back the money. If I should that I have made all efforts to get a DMH job than I could be awarded an extension. Well my plan is just to go for it and not spend a dime of the money until I get the job. The only other thing that is also a bit scary is if I get fired for perceived poor performance I have to give the money back also. If I'm laid off for budget reasons that is another situation and I would be able to keep the funds. This is an amazing opportunity and I think its the universe kind of telling me not to get too complacent in my routine/job and to start going out and kicking some butt to get a job in the field that I have been studying in for the last 2 years. I feel very blessed and am so amazed that this opportunity has come in exchange for very little effort initially on my part. I filled out an application and wrote some responses to some essay questions about why I would want to be in public mental health. That's it! So I got a lot of return on my buck. I will be recording my experiences in this and am going to really try everything in my power to utilize/maximize this opportunity as much as I can. The universe is calling and I am answering with a " YES I AM READY!"

Tentative Schedule for Rituals

2009-04-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

April 24th will be my day to kick off for the rituals. I have started to create a schedule at least for the first week.

April 24th
Fire Ritual (Amy)
This ritual will consist of burning artifacts or slips of paper symbolizing things I want to let go of or bring into my life. I think that this would be a great way to start this thing off especially since fire is so symbolic for new beginings. It destroys but also creates a fertile group for new things to sprout up. I spoke to my friend Tanya who has a fire pit in her backyard and can be a witness for the ritual. I will be starting to collect and meditate on what I want to let go of and what I want to set intention to bring into my life.

April 25th
Mosaic (Holly)
My friend Holly is taking me to a Mosaic class which is one of her favorite mediums for expression. I need to think on what I want to create and I'm sure I will gain lots of inspiration from Holly who has done this for awhile. I am so excited that this will be a piece that I will be able to take with me.

April 26th
Reflection (Shannon)
I will seek out a quiet and peaceful place where I can do some reflection at. I have a list of activities to assist me in this reflection that Shannon has given me. I will share the results with all of you.

April 27th
Spread the Love (Kolleen)
This should be fun! I will have a pack of stickies and write "You are beautiful" and stick them all over. Ideas will be car windows, bathroom stalls, mirrors, etc. This will be interesting. I hope this will have a positive domino effect.

April 28th
Act like a kid (Kristine)
Pending good weather, I'll go to the park and run around playing, acting like a kid. Never want to get to serious about life.

April 29th
Dance class (Helena)
Helena wanted me to try a dance class that I've never done before. I've always wanted to do African ever since I saw a class and fell in love with how passionate it is. You have to throw your whole body into it. I scouted and think I have found the place where I will go for it. The dance place is called The Heart and Beat House http://heartbeathouse.com/. This studio might become my new home. They have such an abundance of fun and interesting classes, all in one place. There is an African dance class on April 29th that I think I will try first. Then I will be back to try more classes, perhaps Burlesque Ballet, 80's dance, Bellydancing, etc.

April 30th
Not sure yet, but thoughts are
Hiking to a new spot (Meg) or sunset hike (Kristen)
Travel somewhere new (Michelle)

Body cleanse

2009-04-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

I really have always enjoyed reading and learning the rituals and traditions of other cultures. Native American rituals, pagan rituals, buddhist, hindu, etc... Prob why I am an Unitarian, I am a collector/"gleamer" looking for truth whereever it is.
In a lot of rituals or rites of passage, the individual goes through trials of purifying and pain. One tribe who worshipped the sun would have peole strung up from their pectoral muscles with arms outstreched out to the sun. Sweat lodges, vision quests, fasting. These are all ancient wisdoms that we have taken and modernized in a lot of ways.

The modern world aims at packaging spirituality, promising a profound transformation with a pill. I am not trying to throw up my nose at these practices. I leave myself open minded, but I wonder if following a spiritual fad such as fasting will turn out the way I want. I guess it is about altering my expectations. I don't feel like I can expect after a fast to be transported to the devine.

I used to work at Barnes and Noble and lost count of how many people would come in looking for the pamphlet on the master cleanse. I also live in Southern California so it shouldn't come to much of a surprise. Many nutritionalists believe that such fasts are dangerous as they don't give the body the needed nutrients. On a blog I was reading about the cleanse it actually had people going 2 weeks or more at a time on a diet of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. However some of this time was the easing in and out which allowed for some veggies, juice, broth at the begining and at the end. I am debating on doing this but perhaps for a shorter time then is suggested. The suggested is about 10 days for the beginner. I really can't see myself being able to hold out that long.

Here is the information:
http://themastercleanse.org/

I was thinking of buying a juicer that just does citrus fruit. I used to have a juicer that I got from my sister in law Kristine but I gave it away I believe because it was tough to use and hard to clean. Now I am kicking myself because they are soo expensive. $300 is not a bad price for a good juicer (Definitely can't do that) The citrus juicer is much better, around $15-20 instead. I am worried about the lack of energy that I heard you have, especially since I am usually very active during the week. The experiences range from other people's experiences so it is hard to gauge. I do have friends that have gone through fasts and feel like I need support and guidance through my first one. I am thinking of starting on Monday the
20th. Will start only eating vegetarian closer to the 20th and then will start with broth and juices. Then I will do the lemonade concotion for the rest of the week doing the salt flush prob on Sunday when I can be at home. I still need to find more information about it before I do this. I am hoping to find a sweat lodge or maybe I will look into places where they rent time in a sauna.

Clearing my mind of negativity.

2009-04-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

So as part of the preperation for my 30th birthday I have set an intention to do a very very thorough spring cleaning. Not just of my home but of my body, soul, and mental state. It has been difficult to maintain motivation to do this. I have had the same box in a corner in my living room for weeks know which will go to good will once I have filled it to the brim. I am a grasper. I hold on to people, things, experiences, etc even when they no longer provide anything for me. It has been very freeing this year to start letting go of more and more in my life. It is very contradictory that although it is difficult for me to let go of things in my life, I also start to get a little stressed when I feel like I have too many things in my life. That can include material goods, responsibilities, etc. Even though my mind is pretty fantastic with multi tasking, I prefer not having to as it actually causes me to act like I a manic. Once I have let go of things it is incredible although somewhat anxiety provoking throughout the process. It is interesting for me to hear my thoughts surrounding my fear of letting go.

Letting go of people - Causes me to worry that I will be alone and unloved.

Letting go of responsibilities - People will think I am incompetent and that I have no value.

Letting go of material goods - I might need it and will be without.

Letting go of activities - They are what define me, I will be boring w/o them and unlovable.

It is so interesting to see these things written and understand that I truly believe these things to my bone. My negative "tape", or the messages that play in my mind when my insecurities rise up have significantly diminished.

Doubt can be like poison to my dreams. I am the one administrating my own poison when I direct negative thoughts and doubt towards myself. I think only by throwing myself into new situations with the chance to fail will I finally fully challenge these beliefs. Ultimately perhaps the best thing is for me to fail and realize that it isn't the end of my life as I suppose it will be. Part of me wants to stay back in the small safe world that I am in now. Even thought it is not giving me what I need or want, I feel I get some validation that I am good, that I can do something. I hope that one day I will look back at these writings and wonder wow, how could I have ever doubted myself so much? I am great at this thing! Part of my 30 rituals will be to write letters to myself at different ages. I do hope that I open the letter on my 40th b-day and laugh at all this, while secure in myself and what I have to offer.

My One Earth

2009-04-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

So Earth day is coming up on April 22nd. Earth day has always meant a lot to me. When I was younger, it was planting trees and cleaning up my neighborhood. I have always felt this strong motivation to take care of the environment. I could barely say the word environmentalist but when I was younger I thought that was the job for me. My parents were supportive but also sometimes were upset about my actions. I would yell when I was little at people when they were littering, calling them pigs. A recent occurance happened when I was at a stop light and saw a guy opening his car door to throw out all of his trash. I look at him appalled and he proceeded to throw some of the trash as my car. I am trying to learn to be more reserved with my opinions. I can change my actions but not the actions of those around me. I will promote my beliefs through right action. One example of this is bringing re-usable grocery bags to the store. I have been doing pretty well with this for two years straight now! My hubbie kind of would scoff at this but now he will grab bags when he goes to the store. He actually bought one while he was at Hot Topic and throws it in his car to use it.
I bring a reusable coffee mug to work. No one else does but they stop to look at me and think about the possibily of doing this themselves. So at least it gets them thinking. Hahah we learn this as teenagers..if we are told we should or have to do something we won't.
I have an interesting opportunity at the Unitarian Universalist Church I go to where I am on the Social Action Committee. We are notifying members of the opportunities for Earth Day Events in the community that they can participate in. I maned the table last weekend to tell people about it and about Heal The Bay who we will be donating our collection to this coming weekend. If I talk to someone straight on about volunteering they run away pretty fast. It is such a delicate thing. How do you provide the information without making people feel like you will guilt them into it. This Sunday I will try again and this time I just want them to feel that I am available but am not trying to push them into anything. Perhaps I will move away enough so they know I am not going to pounce on them. I always hate when you are at a store and someone is right there watching you look at everything. It is so akward and I usually leave earlier than I've wanted to. I want to keep that image in my head when I'm at the volunteer table.

Talking about Earth Day I have decided on an event that I will participating in this year. It won't be on actually Earth Day. Couldn't find many opportunities for that but did find many opportunities the weekend before. http://planetgreen.discovery.com/ has many opportunities listed. What is great is that by volunteering you will also be able to get free admission to the music festival that they are putting on.

The event I will be attending is:

Griffith Park Tree Planting, Landscaping and Cleanup
Saturday, April 18, 2009

8:30am to 2pm

Come celebrate Earth Day and join with Green Apple Festival volunteers as we plant trees, landscape, and clean up a section of the park!

Griffith park was affected by the fire so we will be cleaning up that area and replanting. I actually haven't been to Griffith park yet, which is a fact that many people in CA are shocked at.

I am excited to get to be part of something bigger then myself. I always feel the best when I can let go of my individual life and clue in to the bigger needs of our world.

Thoughts on politics, #1

2009-04-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

I was watching the Daily Show last night and John Stewart was responding to allegations and responses from conservatives that Obama is a tyrant and will take all of the rights away from the people. This comes after listening on the NPR that gun and ammo purchases are up since Obama was elected due to the fear that Obama will put stronger restrictions on gun purchases (good!! btw!)

John Stewarts response was hilarious. He named many of the atrocities that Bush initiated. As if Bush wasn't abusing the rights of the people by listening in on phone calls, pushing to even restrict womans' right to have birth control, restricting the opportunities to breakthrough medical treatment, invading countries without the backing from the people. John Stewart made the comment that what the conservatives were experiencing wasn't tyranny but defeat. The conservative party has been so long in power that they don't remember the feeling of not getting what they want. "Its supposed to taste like a shit taco," - John Stewart. What would it be like I wonder to drop some of these people in China or Iran and see how they define tyrany then.

How have things become so extremist between parties? I have been there I suppose, bitter, and angry about Bush's very long 8 years in office. I felt very distanced from my country in a lot of ways. I can understand that there will be extreme hesitation to accept the many changes that are and will be taking place. We can fight against it, pushing against a rock that won't budge or we can find our place in it. Where we are all needed the most to put effort forth to make the immense shift that we absolutely need! The fear that Bush planted into the earth of America will not wash away fast but we need to transform that fear and dare to have a little trust and faith.

For once I feel a budding of trust and faith about my government growing inside for the first time in a long time.

A New Awareness

2009-03-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

The routine of the every day has a hypnotic quality about it. It feels quite easy to slip into a state of suspended life. You are going through the motions but not truly aware of your environment. Just waiting for the tic of the clock to tell you are free. But what then? You go home with other types of responsibilities and you are still not free. Free is a choice....being present is a choice. At work I notice that my awareness goes in and out. Particularly what state my mind is at. I enjoy engaging and interacting with others. This is what makes me alive.

I work as a social worker at a convalescent hospital. Recently we have changed our lunch program. I am now supposed to go to the other station and interact & assist with the residents on that station. Initially it felt like an inconvenience but now it usually turns into one of my greatest joys all day. Today just being aware I made multiple meaningful contacts with some of the patients. I assisted a woman who is struck with a neuromuscular disease which gives her minimal use of her hands. She is pretty hilarious and has found her own way of getting by. She has learned to be so humble, to ask for help when she needs it. I helped her peel her banana and break the shell off her hard boiled eggs. She was very grateful. I spoke awhile to my German friend, Ursula. It is nice to watch her face brighten up now when I come into the room. We are getting to know each othe slowly. She is such a character. She used to work for Elvis Presly as a housekeeper and keeps stating that she doesn't know what the fuss is about her working for him. "He was just a man with a two story house." On my way out I saw this sweet old woman Irene who was confused where her room was. I brought her to her room and she said that she will never forget my help. Out the door I helped two residents. One had a long rope hanging from their wheel chair so I tucked it in. Another resident dropped his cane and I picked it up.

Lets be a cyclone of help/joy/gladness instead of anger/pity/sadness/resentment. When you open the door and your heart, it is amazing what impact you can have just in your immediate environment. Just changing the energy in your home will increase your positive mood, which will affect your other immediate environments like your work environment. Its all contagious and responsive. We don't need to start with a march to Washington. We can start with just walking and opening our eyes wider than they have been. By doing this we are creating the opportunity to be present and truly alive.

Inspiring Books, Movies, Music

2009-03-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

Taking recommendations for books, movies, music that have really impacted peoples' lives. Suddenly I have this crazy urge like I have been told I have a year to live to see all the beauty in the world and not miss a thing.

These are some of the recommendations I have gotten so far.

MOVIES
Fight Club
Waking Life
Groundhog’s Day (My friend Lisa recommended I watch this. This is actually one of my fav movies....and definitely fitting for this. "Don't drive angry!")
Thin
Freeway
May
Fresh
American Beauty
Naughty Cal
Requiem for a Dream (Seen this before and although the stories are so amazing, it was so renching that I don't know if I could sit through it again)
Amelie (This is one that Im puttin on the list to watch, I love it, and its so inspirational about living and loving in the moment.

MUSIC
Very excited about my friend Kolleen's recommendations for music. Want to try to expand and connect to music that I might have overlooked)
Nirvana
Fiona Apple
Kristen Hirsh, “Ghost”
Annie Lennox
Amy Riot grrl band
Bikini Kill
17
Sleater Kinney
Le tigre
Dax riggs
Deadboy and the elephantmen
Acidbath
Agents of oblivion

BOOKS
(Wow am I going to busy)
The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
Wasted by Marya Hornbacher
Madness by Hornbacher
The Center of Winter
The Hours
See a Grown Man Cry, Now Watch Him Die by Henry Rollins
Anything by John Irving
A Prayer for Owen Meaney
Poetry collections – Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Adrienne Rich, The Dogs of Babe
Anything by A.M. Homes
Gaining by Aimee Liu
Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters
Going Hungry by Lauren Greenfield
Thin by Greenfield
Cunt by Inga Musico
Manfesta

Books that I'm already reading as part of this project
The 4 Agreements (review/response soon)
Wild Succulant Woman (review/response soon)

Lotus Tattoo

2009-03-23T10:48:00.000-07:00

Thinking of getting a small purple opening lotus tattoo on my back. The meaning of the lotus flower seems so right for where I am at this moment and what I continue to try to achieve. I intend hopefully to put it on the back of my heart on my back to remind me also to approach the world with an open hearth. Specifically fitting at I am becoming a therapist.

Here is the meaning of the purple lotus:
Among all the lotus flowers the purple lotus flower is considered one of the most beautiful and very sacred. The purple lotus flower is so special because it is rare and distinctive. The unique purple lotus flower is found in many parts of India. The reason for the purple lotus being a scared flower is its condition of growth.

The lotus flower represents all that man desires to achieve; it is the metaphysical representation of the heights of human consciousness. The purple lotus flower germinates at the bottom of a muddy, filthy pond and is surrounded by muck. However with time the lotus blossoms and raises its beautiful pure head above all the filth. The lotus blooms as a beautiful flower away from the dirt turning its face towards the light. This is the spiritual height at which all of mankind wants to reach. To live within this real world, yet remain detached from all its evils is what a human being strives to achieve.

In India the Hindu Goddess of wealth Laxmi is seated on a sacred purple lotus flower. In some esoteric sects the eight petals of the lotus represent the noble eight fold path. The purple lotus flower is known as the mystic lotus. Apart from its spiritual connotations, the lotus bed and stems are used as edible items in many cultures. All these religious and spiritual symbolisms make it a popular design for tattoos. The purple lotus flower has a beautiful mild fragrance; all this in combination make the purple lotus flower spectacular.

Comparitvely these are the other meanings for other lotus flowers but they didn't quite seem to fit. I don't see myself as close to the devine etc. as I see that as in body human form we will always just be trying to achieve understanding and spiritual perfection. Don't think I can achieve that in this form. So that omits the White or Pink lotus. Blue - victory of the spirit over the senses/Red -purity of the heart, which would seem the closest other option. I just don't see myself with a red or blue flower. The purple lotus is the most rare/beautiful and is considered the mystic lotus. Other than the other meanings of the lotus I like that it also has been symbolic of the 8 fold path as I've been studying Buddhism since I was in highschool.

)White Lotus (Skt. pundarika; Tib. pad ma dkar po): This represents the state of spiritual perfection and total mental purity (bodhi). It is associated with the White Tara and proclaims her perfect nature, a quality which is reinforced by the color of her body.

2). Red Lotus (Skt. kamala; Tib: pad ma chu skyes): This signifies the original nature and purity of the heart (hrdya). It is the lotus of love, compassion, passion and all other qualities of the heart. It is the flower of Avalokiteshvara, the bodhisattva of compassion.

3). Blue Lotus (Skt. utpala; Tib. ut pa la): This is a symbol of the victory of the spirit over the senses, and signifies the wisdom of knowledge. Not surprisingly, it is the preferred flower of Manjushri, the bodhisattva of wisdom.

4). Pink Lotus (Skt. padma; Tib. pad ma dmar po): This the supreme lotus, generally reserved for the highest deity. Thus naturally it is associated with the Great Buddha himself."

Purple Lotus Flower by ~shimadatattoofamily on deviant ART

*An addition I thought about adding a heart to the lotus flower. Possibly inside the
flower so the lotus petals opening make the heart partially visible. This feels more fitting to me and encompasses everything that I have been wanting. The heart is often in Eastern religions discussed as a lotus that opens slowly to shine the light from within. Also found a tattoo parlor in Sherman Oaks that I am interested in. The artist that I like so far is Sal from Subculture Tattoo. His work is very vibrant, amazing color technique, definition, etc. http://subculturetattoo.com/

Yesterday, 4/15/09 I checked out Studio City Tattoo which is a Ye Old Tattoo Parlor. It's pirate inspired which definitely goes well with the tattoo artists being called Captain so and so. My friend Amy who is pretty comfortable in tattoo shops came with me and we had fun pouring over books. I liked some of the work by this artist named Dana. He seems to do really well at the coloring and everything has pretty good definition. He wasn't there but I mentioned quickly to one of the guys what I was looking for. When I told him that I wanted a lotus, he said beautiful, looked at me and said it fits. I was wearing colorful/hippish clothing so prob gave him that idea. The guys were really friendly but don't know if its the place for me yet. Amy and I went by Subculture around 9:30pm but unfortunately it was closed even though they are supposed to be open until 11pm. Perhaps they had no appointments. We'll keep on looking...this kind of thing demands research, patience, etc.

6/1 - So unfortunately the tattoo artist that I liked at Subculture, Sal is no longer there but my friend Amy had me check out this place called zulu tattoo. Now they specialize in a lot of tribal/spiritual tattoos. I like their emphasis that this is a huge thing, and what ever is chosen is a sacred mark. Also they even have the option to get reiki while you are getting a tattoo. As being attuned myself I feel that it would make it an even more meaningful and more relaxing process. Don't know how relaxed I will be with having a needle at my skin but perhaps I can meditate into the pain.

I have an appointment on Wednesday, 6/3/09 at 6:30pm to have a consultation with Misha at zulu. She seems cool and like her art. She has done lots of lotus tattoos but hope that she will sit with me and we can really specialize it. Its becoming more real now. Getting a little nervous but excited!

Why stimilus package might just be a band aide

2009-03-19T10:48:00.001-07:00

In this difficult economic time it perhaps seems simple to think, if we just throw money at people they will instantly become happy contributors to our failing economy. But it seems to me like we are trying to jump a battery that `is more than half dead. When do we admit that we need to buy a new battery or in this case change our thinking, possibly away from a consumerism society? In a consumerism society very few members of that society benefit while a great majority start to fall further and further down with very little hope or help to get back up. Desperation increase with job and money shortages and this is the time that crime goes up as more and more participate in illegal activity in order to make money.
We only make up a small percentage of the world’s population but we consume over 70% of the world’s resources. I have seen pockets of hope in this recession. Here in America we pride ourselves in our individuality, hard work, pull yourself up by your boot straps mentality. While this is admirable I feel that our honoring of individuality has put distance between ourselves and other people. We look only as far as what will serve us. Now things have started to change slowly. I see more and more friends and family coming together to support each other. Instead of a night out I’m seeing more social and community gatherings. We are starting to understand again the meaning of community and the strength of like minds coming together. As Margaret Mead is famous for saying, "Never doubt that a small group of people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
We have more power than we think. For one I am not going to buy into the concept that we can spend our way out of this mess. This is our time to stand together and demand what we feel is important including increased jobs, better healthcare, more accessibility for higher education, etc. The answer is more about coming together to support one another and less than trying to keep at the status quo that we have enjoyed. The truth is that status quo was not sustainable financially or environmentally. Success does not have to be defined by having lots of stuff but by having a quality life.
"Any relation that does exist between happiness and income is relative rather than
absolute. the happiness people derive from consumption is based on whether they consume more
than their neighbors and more than they did in the past. The upper classes in any society are more satisfied with their lives than the lower classes are, but they are no more satisfied than the upper
classes of much poorer countries, nor than the upper classes were in the less affluent past."
-Michael Argyle, The psychology of happiness

30 Rituals

2009-03-12T16:12:00.000-07:00

So the responses started coming in right away. I was so amazed by the creativity and thought that went into each one.

I am also taking this time to take some inventory of my life, cleaning our apartment because it soo needs it and symbolic of cleaning out the old, journaling, reading inspirational books, am going to start a detox program, and a home exercise program.

Books I'm reading: Women that Run with Wolves

Read:
The Four Agreements by Ruiz and Succulant Wild Woman by Sark.

I am still soo open for recommendations for good books to help me in this self awareness project.

**Wow** The responses were amazing and total over 30 so I will be combining some to one day so I will be able to do all of them. Stay tuned and I'll update you on my experiences!
List
1. Jenna
(Help a total stranger)DONE
"I'm sure this is something you already do. But I think for mine, I would like you to help a total stranger in need. If you see someone in the grocery store and they can't reach something. Offer to help them. Or if you see someone that looks confused. Try to help them. All within reason of course. I want you to be safe and not talk to people that look they could hurt you. Or even strike up a polite conversation with someone that doesn't look like they are having a good day. Sometimes it's the little things that happen in your day that could turn the whole day around. Just be yourself. :)"

2. Deborah
(Sun/Beach ritual)DONE
"Here is a ritual I have that I will share with you as it is has brought me much peace and perspective over time.
I walk or ride to the beach (you can drive) with my camera and/or my journal to watch the sun go down. As I watch I look intently at everything I see, I breathe in the salty air and smile to myself. I see the massive power and mystery of the ocean and realize how big and expansive the world is. I see the beauty of the sand, the sky, the birds, the dolphins, the happy people also appreciating the paradise we live in.

In these moments, I cannot help but to think of what I am grateful for. My feelings of gratitude rise up organically through my heart. Sometimes I silently thank god and the universe, sometimes I write or try to capture an image with my camera. I say thank you to the sun for another day as I kiss it goodbye for the night. I always come away full and centered and happy."

3. Megan
(Hike to a new spot)
"Ok mine is going for a hike at a place you have never been. You can take in the new scenery, fresh air, and do something good for your body." :)

4. Kristine
(Act like a kid!)DONE
"I say that you start working on making me an aunt! Or go to a park and ride the swings. After I turned 30, I developed motion sickness and it's gotten increasingly worse. I definitely cannot ride swings anymore...Do it now while it's still fun and it will remind you of being a child."

5. Portia
(Renewal yoga class) DONE
"Ohhhhh I already have ours!!!! I would like to aid in furthering your yoga practice and share a piece of my yoga practice with you. Its Sunday night restorative yoga at Yoga Blend in Burbank. It’s a series of healing and de-stressing poses to start your week off just right so what better way to start your new year and next stage of life off. I would also love to do some of the workshops with you but I am not fit enough."

Restorative - For anyone wanting to de-stress and renew their entire being, this soothing class is a great choice. Restorative yoga works with the nervous system and the endocrine system to bring the body into a state of balance and relaxation. Props are used to further support the body, realign the spine and deepen this relaxed state. http://www.yogablend.com/index_files/Schedule_Pricing.htm

6. Susanna
(Inspire a child or an elderly person) DONE
“My task for you is related to when we volunteered at the YMCA: Intrigue either one very young child or one very old person with an inspiring statement, make it meaningful so he/she will ponder and it will elicit a response. Both a young child and an older adult value the exchange of language. A young child uses creativity, wonder, and silliness in their words, beginning to elaborate so much whereas an elderly person becomes isolated, lonely, and may not have someone to converse with. Your goal is to take one of the above and say something to he/she that will leave a lasting impression. Poetic, profound if you will. It could be an elderly person you pass on the street or a child you know who wonders about something. Inform teach them something from the one statement. What will you say and to whom?”

7. Indhushree
(Love letter to myself)DONE
"Start if off by writing it to the name of my essence/soul/deepest self. Write it from the place where I am now. Write about how much I have achieved already and the hopes and dreams for my future. Be gentle, tender, and appreciative of myself. Write about how I have missed the times when I was not with myself."

8. Kolleen
(Spread the love) DONE
I have one, t. Take one day and a stack of post its. Write 'you are beautiful' on each one. Put them everywhere, on bus stops, in library books, on mirrors in restrooms, on diner tables. Think that you may change someones outlook just by a simple note from a stranger.

9. Mom
(Make someone else’s b-day special) DONE
"I have been thinking about this for a couple of days.....and think perhaps, since you have always been good at "seeing" who people really are, you might pick someone else with a birthday during this time and send them a real (not e-mail) card with a hand written note telling them why they are special and wished a happy birthday; not a generic happy birthday sentiment but a real "you-are-special-because" verse just for them. Just as I am telling you that you are special because you see the core of people and the value inside of them. I wish you thirty times thirty a happy birthday and successful year. You have added so much to my life and to the way I see the world.
I love you so much,"
Mom

10. Ginger
(Lake Shrine) DONE
Ginger has spoken about Lake Shrine with me for as long as I've known her, which is what? 3 years now She's always spoken how it grounds her and is so peaceful. She's offered to bring me there. Btw, some of Ghandi's ashes are actually buried there!
http://www.lakeshrine.org

11. Denise
(Contact someone from my past)
"I would like for you to remember someone from your past that has either influenced or encouraged you in some way. You could call or write to them and thank them for what they added to your life."

12. Erin
(Glam Day) DONE
"For your 30th Birthday experiment I would like you to take a day and glam yourself up!! You don’t have to spend any money. Sculpt your hair into a glamorous do and put on some hot makeup! Then go to an ultra-fabulous store and try on something expensive that is way out of this world and that you could never actually buy and take a picture. Most of all just have fun! I can’t wait to see the picture and hope you enjoy yourself! Love you always!!" Erin

13. Shannon
(Reflection) DONE
“Go by yourself someplace that has a lot of meaning to you, whether it be your old school campus, a coffee shop, a certain hiking trail, or even your living room lol. Take a journal with you. First write down 30 people who you are glad are in your life and how they have affected who you are now as a person, and maybe also how you feel you have affected their lives. Then list 30 things you are grateful for, 30 things you feel you have accomplished, and 30 that you still want to accomplish. Then share this with those 30 people that you listed that have made an impact in your life. I just think this would be a nice way to reflect on who you are and where you are in life. :) “

14. Monica
"Ride the biggest roller coaster you can find!" Big hugs, Monica DONE
-Liked Monica's description of her meaning of this ritual. Rollercoast as being symbolic of how I respond to life's challenges. To I grip on tight, do I go with flow and throw my arms up over my head in abandon? P.S. This is one that Brian actually said he would join me on.

15. Lisa F.
(Last day on Earth) DONE
"I think you should do something you've always been meaning to do but haven't had time...like write to an old friend that you wished you had kept in touch with. And if possible, get together and have a cup of coffee w/that person...it will probably bring back memories you forgot you had! Will you send a list to everyone when 30 days are up & tell us everything you did...maybe keep a journal of the experience or a blog that everyone can check during the 30 days...sounds fun, good luck, you can do it! :) If you can't think of anyone to contact, you can write letters to the people closest to you...tell them everything you would want to say if you knew this was your last day on Earth...that could get really emotional!"

Write letters to the people closest to you…tell them everything you would want to say if you knew that this was your last day on Earth…that could get really emotional. (Lisa, I really love this part!)

16. Michelle
(Get to know Cali better) DONE
"I think for one of your days, you should take a day trip to somewhere in CA that you haven't yet been to. I was so surprised to hear that you haven't been around the state that you now call home! You might be surprised on how far you can go round trip in a day. For instance, you can hit up the temecula wineries, you can go shopping at the cabazon outlets, see the cabazon dinosaurs, look at otters in monterey, or do any number of wonderful things in my hometown of San Diego! For this year, I think you should go to the San Diego Zoo. I can hook you up with free guest passes (but you'll have to take me with you.) :)"

17. Jayme (Sister in law)
Romance is in the air DONE
"Hi Theresa, I think that is so neat for you to do this!!! My suggestion would be for you and Brian to take a sleeping bag and find a beach, watch the sunset and then cuddle all night and talk about all the things you love about each other and then in the morning wake early and watch the sun rise. I am glad you are my sister-in-law and I hope that someday we can get to know each other better."

Note:(Jayme love this idea but it might have to be tweaked...CA isn't the safest place to sleep overnight on the beach :) but love the premise. I think watching the sunrise together would be very symbolic as it brings on the new day. It is very meaningful in my process of embracing my future and I'm glad that Brian can be included in this although he might differ when we have to wake up before dawn. Perhaps we can find a near by beach or a hill to watch the sunrise together while we do like you said, talk about all the things we love about each other. Thanks!!

18. Tina
Griffith Park Observatory DONE

19. Tanya DONE
Cleansing and symbolic ritual to encompass the summary of all the rituals.
I was looking for a way to include my husband in this whole process as he has been and will be such a big important part of my life. Tanya suggested that he find something to give me that encompasses all of the things I have done thus far. It could be anything as long as when I look at it, it reminds me of all the lessons I learned and want to remember as I go into the next stage of my life. Tanya also offered to school me in the process of doing a cleanse including some light fasting and purity rituals so I am "rebirthed" in a way.

20. Helena
(Dance by another tune) DONE
Hey hun!I have been thinking and thinking… and I finally came up with something I think you will enjoy. Ok, for your birthday you should try something different. I know you love dance, so you should try out a class you have never done before. Either a different style or type of dance that you have never experienced and that will be a new exciting experience for you. I can’t wait to hear all about it! And I hope you have fun! (Thoughts: I want to try African Dance! It is so without inhibition. You have to put your whole soul and body into it. I've always wanted to really try it. I took a little class during this event called a Taste of Dance a year ago but don't think that really counts as it was only for like 15-20 minutes. The day was made up of lots of short classes of many dancing styles such as Asian fan dancing to Hawiian to salsa to Arican, etc. I can't wait to take a real class in it!)

21. Amy
(Fire Ritual) DONE
Amy introduced the idea of this ritual as one that she did on the winter solstice. She and a group of her friends burned artificats or slips of paper with writing on them that symbolized something that they had accomplished or something that they wanted to cleanse from their lives. Fire is very symbolic because it can either give new life or it can also destroy. Fertile ground is left in its path to grow something new. I am already thinking of what I am proud of and want to embrace and what I want to cleanse from my life as I step forward.

22. Kristen
(Sunset Hike at Paseo Miramar)
Hey Theresa! What an amazing an creative idea!! Thanks you for including me and giving me the opprotunity to give a task.....Well of course, I am sure that you could have guessed that I would send you on a hike.

So, I would like you to take a sunset hike at Paseo Miramar
(I will give you directions). But before embarking on your hike think of old patterns, problems, issues that you would like to release before moving into this new era of your life and at the top of the summit, really let them go. Watch the sunset and then as you return really focus or mediate on the vision that you have for this new period of your life. Enjoy! Namaste!

Note: I am adding to do a primal yell at the top to let it all go. Perhaps I will warn everyone. Don't want to scare anyone :)

23. Kate
(Create beauty) DONE

Happy birthday! haven't heard from you in ages.. sorry it took so long to reply, I only check hotmail sporadically now.

So, my first idea was was to watch some cheezy coming-of-age movie (didn't Janis try to watch 16 Candles 16 times on her birthday?) and then I started thinking of things that you could do 30 of (write down hopes, or accomplishments or something..) BUT my best idea was to make something absolutely beautiful, whether it's an origami flower or a plate of artful food or a painting or a piece of clothing.. Take the time to get every detail just right, whatever you choose to make.

24. Nicole
(What does my life look like?) DONE
I want you to create an image or symbol to represent your life, it can be created using anything you want, paint, collage, crayons, any combination. It should have four parts to it, 2 parts dedicated to the life you have already lived and 2 to the life ahead. The 2 parts for past should be divided between specifics to you and one for family and friends. The life ahead should be the same, one for you and one for family and friends. It can be really simple or complicated, abstract or literal. For example maybe certain colors remind you of feeling a certain way or a flower makes you think of a happy moment with friends, etc. Ok, have fun creating!

25. Andrea
(My Life Story) DONE sort of :) taking me a bit of time to complete
Hey Tess!! I tried to think of something.... I was thinking that your have gone and experienced so much through your whole life! Remember when you and I used to hang out and tell stories all day... I think you should reflect on your awesome experiences and write a little story on how you have grown through your life... the revelations you have come across and challenges you have smothered!! You are strong and persevering! You should show your creative side and write a little story on the landmarks in your life... how they made you feel, etc!!!

26. Holly
(Mosaic) DONE
I have been thinking long and hard about this and finally (with some help from my sister) came up with an idea for you.
As you may or may not know, my favorite artistic medium is mosaic. I find it to be so colorful, expressive, and completely love the tactile experience. Furthermore, it’s a way of setting a memory to stone (tiles at least, ;-). For your birthday celebration I would like to take you to a mosaic class so you can create your own memory commemorating this transition. I will send you a class schedule shortly so we can get something on the calendar.
Thank you so much for including me in this. What a special, unique and wonderful way to celebrate this transition!
XOXO
Holly

27. Janis
(Trip to the mystic redwood forest) Coming up! 15-18th! DONE!
For my b-day Janis and I hoping to go to the redwoods where she has been 3 times and I have never been. I feel a real connection to trees. They always have a way of restoring me. We are hoping to take this mystical journey together maybe the weekend of the 16-17th.

28. Jessica
(Letters for inspiration for the future) DONE
I see that another friend has posted a letter writing activity. I want to suggest you write yourself three letters- one to be opened on your 31st b-day, one on your 35th, and one on your 40th. You can combine ideas from your other friend. What do you want to tell your future self? Congratulate her on another birthday, celebrate her, and share your hopes and dreams. Seal the letters and place them in a special spot to be opened on the aforementioned days.

29. Jessica
(Dancing with myself, la la , dancing with myself - there will be lots of 80's tracks in this solo dance party :) ) DONE
My other activity- dance party with yourself. When you have the house to yourself, get a play list of fun dance songs ready to go and boogie down. Be totally free, playful, and silly. Dance your heart out! Happy soon to be birthday!

30. Lisa
(Be playful)DONE
hey theresa sorry giving this a little last minute been super busy lately, but wanted to make sure y ou got it. Okay here it goes it's kind of a silly one, but you can make it fun. When we had our radio show it I think we called it our diabolical plan and it was to rid the world of bad music! Well remember we went on a couple of secret missions:one at rob and fred's house where we went in(well guess broke in cause they didn"t know) and left a silly letter for them I think it was asking about some earth culture because we were pretending we were from another planet.the other one I can think of we got dressed up to disguise ourselves as secret agents and went to sean's house to deliver a message and a some silly gifts like candy and I think a little hello kitty toyThen we discussed these missions on our show. So I guess it would be funny if you thought of a secret mission to do to someone and then after even though there is no radio show you could post the experience on this site still playing the character that you were when you did it or you could even make a video of it. Not sure if this is exactly what you are looking for but I thought this was a pretty good idea since when you brought this up it was the first thing I thought of because I remember it was such a funny time and even yes very childish but we definately got kicks out of it
love
lisa

31. Amber
(Love my body) DONE
Do as many of these are you are comfortable with. It helps if you make a playlist of songs that make you feel sexy and play it while doing some of these. When you take off your clothes to take a shower peal them off in a sexy manner, strip seductively just for you. When you take a shower really send positive energy to everybody part that you love to show off. Also in the shower send love to the parts of your body you don't like to show off. When you put on your clothes for the day put them on like you are getting ready for a fancy party. Wear glitter somewhere on your body have glossy lips. With or with out color underneath. Wear heels if that is feasible. When you are done for the night strip seductively again before bed.

32. Lee Lee - Give Forgiveness DONE
1. Give Forgiveness to someone you make not want to, think they deserve it, or someone who isn't even sorry. (This has to be a very difficult one that you may have been conflicted with for awhile)

or
Random acts of kindness
2. This may take longer than a day..hahahaha... 30 small random acts of kindness. (especially going out of your way to do something for someone when you really don't feel like it) (maybe one small act could be done for 30 days)

Misc Rituals that I created and might do:

Transform Love
This is one ritual I am thinking of doing. My mother gave me a diamond pendant that my father once gave to her. I was thinking of selling it. I sold two other gold pendants that I've had and not worn for awhile. Don't remember where they came from actually but something would not let me sell this one. Even though my parents' love for each other eventually changed,there once was love...I feel like I can't just throw that away. Somehow along with hurt, loss, love was also captured in that diamond stone. I want to find a way to bind the love that is in that stone with the love I feel for my family and my husband. The pendant is a circle of gold and inside that circle is this shining glowing diamond. How can I change the meaning of this necklace so that when the pendant is against my heart all I feel is the love?

Lotus tattoo
Possibly considering getting an opening lotus tattoo on the middle of my back to symbolize awakening, change, renewal. Possibly with a symbol of the heart chakra in the middle or somewhere in it as a therapist I want to remember to keep my heart always open. (I have another blog entry on this blog that I keep updating regarding my adventures of planning to get a tattoo)

A Birthday Experiment!!

2009-03-12T15:50:00.000-07:00

These last couple of years have been such a struggle but I have grown by so many lengths but it has been such a whirl that I haven't had the chance to actually process any of it. Of course my essence and true self hasn't changed all that much. If anything I have been working steadily and mostly unaware to vanish the barriers to connect to my true self. I have snapped the weights off my heart regarding any past regrets and feel like I'm grateful and compassionate of the old pain for it has resulted in who I am today. I haven't gotten here alone. Everything I have achieved has been because of the amazing people in my life. The support I have received from my family, friends, and most of all my husband has been soo vital in my survival and in my growth. It is amazing when two people can support each other on a path and I have been so lucky to have such a supportive husband who has encouraged me to reach for the stars.
So now I have completed my masters in psychology and I am about to turn 30 years old. I felt this energy building in me to really demonstrate the changes I have been feeling in my life, reflect on my past that has gotten me here to this wonderful place, and prepare for the future. I have created a birthday experiment, which I like to call it, to give me the opportunity to process all the wonderful craziness that has occurred while including the amazing people that have been a part of it. I've asked 30 of the women in my life that have had some of the biggest impact in my life to give me ideas for rituals/blessings/ceremonies/activities to do 30 days up to my 30th birthday. In many cultures there are ceremonies or rights of passage when someone takes that next step in there life. I am grateful that I have amazing women in my life that are supporting my journey to the next step of womanhood. In this blog I would like to record as best as possible my process including all the feelings and thoughts that all these experiences will evoke. I am so grateful for all those that will follow on these journey with me..........................

What is causing our recession?

2008-02-19T12:44:00.000-08:00

A lot of things have led up to our current recession. A huge impact has been our ongoing war for the last 8 years in Iraq. We are borrowing money every day to fund our ongoing war. Each day we are getting more and more into debt. The American dollar has also hit an all time low. States have had to draw back on state and federal services because of the crunch and this results in more poverty, homelessness, and more people being without adequate medical care. Where I live in California we are spending over $3 at the pump. Buying gas on my student budget has become more and more difficult. I wonder about people that are having a worse time. How can they even afford gas to go to work. This is not a healthy economy! It is darkely amusing that Republicans blame Democrats for increased taxes and debt but it has been both Bush's who have done us the worst harm.

I just sent off a letter to the L.A. Times through Moveon.org. It is a great site if you are not subscribed to it. It makes being politically active much more easy.

This is the letter I'm sending:

We don't need to find people in need across the world. The poor, the disenfranchised, the sick, and starvation are here in the US! Do you think anyone will come running to our aid after the foreign policy that we have created in the world? Other countries will enjoy seeing us weakened and no longer considered the most powerful country in the world. I know it is hard to admit we were wrong but how much will our pride cost?

We need to leave Iraq now before it’s too late. Take care of the people at home.

Passion versus Experience

2008-01-31T22:47:00.000-08:00

In Obama speeches we hear about the country we wish we lived in. We want to have the passion and pride in this country as he does. We want to unite what has divided us and see opportunity where none has been seen before. I believe Obama has the vision and passion to awaken the American people from their numb sleep filled with American Idol, and whatever distraction holds our attention for a moment. Agree on many of his policies but even more importantly I believe him when he speaks I think that is the first time I can say that in relation to a politician What he speaks is full of his conviction and his truth. During the Democratic debate tonight in California, the camps for both Obama and Clinton were about equal according to reporters. They were speculating which candidate the supporters of John Edwards would support. I had been up to very recently, focused on Edwards' campaign. I did because it felt like more than a campaign of one person. We were equal in our power to create change. I feel the people that supported Edwards could become great supporters of Obama but Edwards's mission might not end with his campaign as his cause has become thousands of peoples' cause. I am more excited about this coming voting day as I have ever really been except when I thought perhaps we had a chance of yanking Bush out of the White House.

Torn on Upcoming Vote to Amend Gaming Compact

2008-01-28T19:30:00.000-08:00

How I wish this was a neat black and white issue but as usual both sides have their points.

A YES vote on this measure means:
The Pechanga Band of Luiseño Indians--a tribe that owns a casino in Riverside County with about 2,000 slot machines--could operate up to 7,500 slot machines. The tribe would make increased payments to the state annually through 2030.

Translation: This would highly benefit the four wealthiest tribes but would could be financially devasting to other tribes. With gaming, tribes had finally raised up from living in very poor conditions. If this goes through than these tribes could face those horrors again. On the other side, this would bring revenue to the state which desperately needs it after the recent California fires which has resulted in a 10% budget cut across all services in the state. Many services are being cut due to this and some Medi-cal services could be cut completely leaving thousands of people without care.

Either way I feel we will loose something.

For more information which I got from www.smartvoter.org

Contact FOR Proposition 94:
Coalition to Protect California's Budget and Economy
(800) 827-1267
info@YESforCalifornia.com
http://www.YESforCalifornia.com

Contact AGAINST Proposition 94:
Californians Against Unfair Deals--No on 94, 95, 96, 97, A coalition of tribes, educators, taxpayers, public safety officials, labor, seniors, environmentalists.
(310) 996-2676
http://www.NoUnfairDeals.com

Sign this Petition

2008-01-22T20:24:00.000-08:00

Congress is making a decision as early as this week about a short-term economic stimulus plan. But Bush is pushing a plan that gives even more tax breaks to the wealthy--and leaves middle-class and poor families out in the cold.

I signed a petition urging Congress to pass an economic stimulus plan that gets money into the hands of those who need it most, and that includes public investments to move us toward a 21st century, clean energy economy. Can you join me at the link below?

http://pol.moveon.org/fairstimulus/?r_by=11947-5815024-3SV.WS&rc=comment_paste

Thanks!

Dream achieved?

2008-01-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

Clinton's interview with Major Garrett brought some racial issues to the table. There has been some sparring back and forth between Clinton and Obama regarding this issue. In the interview Clinton stated that she believes that Mr. King's dream has been achieved.

In retrospect we can review our history and see how far we have come but it is dangerous and detrimental to our further actions to abolish racial hate to think that we can smack our hands together and say we've done a good job and move on. There is still so much that is unconscious on many levels. It is sublimated and in someways that is more dangerous because it doesn't give us a platform in which to speak about the issue.

It is an ugly thing to admit that racism still permeates almost all areas of our life. Discrimination for jobs, protions, politics, renting, etc. I have a friend that is in a biracial relationship and she continues to feel that she has to constantly defend her relationship to the rest of the world. Does this sound like we are living in a world where race is not longer an issue?

Get on the soapbox with me, what do you think?

Truth from the lips of politicians?

2008-01-09T09:34:00.000-08:00

Here are some videos of the candidates for presidency laying out how they truly think. I'm going to view each video and comment soon. The comment section under the video are really worth checking out too.

http://www.onevote08.org/ontherecord/?id=183-21993-ZKx32A&t=3

I'll huff and puff, and blow the forest down

2008-01-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

Kleenex and how it’s destroying virgin forests:

If every household in the U.S. replaced just one box of 85 sheet virgin fiber facial tissues with 100% recycled ones, we could save:

* 87,700 trees
* 226,500 cubic feet of landfill space, equal to 330 full garbage trucks
* 31 million gallons of water, a year's supply for 240 families of four
* and avoid 5,300 pounds of pollution!

Unfortunately my husband's nose might be responsible for half of the deforestation happening in the world then. Tissues made from recycled paper can sometimes be difficult to find. Your local Trader Joes or Whole Foods should have it. I would recommend Trader Joes who also carries paper towels and tissue paper from recycled paper.
Seventh Generation is a great company which also provides paper towels and toilet paper made from recycled paper.

Cleaning made greener and more fun?

2008-01-08T21:03:00.000-08:00

Method – "Sells cleaning products, soaps, and fragrances that are biodegradable, comes in yummy flavors like grapefruit, cucumber, and lavender. All recycled and recyclable packaging, and not tested on animals. "

I initially thought about getting method because I have cats and I wanted something safe to spray that wouldn't be toxic to them. I ordered online some products until I realized that Target now sells them. They smell great, are in really interesting packaging, and actually good on your sink. The prices are really reasonable which is one of the major reasons it seems that people hesitate to make changes in their products. Some people rave about the mop but I don't like it. It falls apart too easily. I had it after a couple of months and it broke. Instead of going back to the evil Swifter I bought a mop from Real Simple brand. I use the method ginger-lemon floor cleaner and just rewash the mop sponge that detaches.

http://www.methodhome.com/

Here's a reason to like Coffee Bean a latte more than Starbucks

2008-01-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

Since May 07 Coffee Bean is part of Green Restaurant association. They recycle pretty much everything at the store. All lights have been changed to high efficiency bulbs. Napkins, paper towels, are all post consumer recycled. They have low water pressure valves and reusable mugs available.

Check more out about Green restaurant association at www.dinegreen.com. GRA is a nonprofit organization which helps to reduce restaurants impact on the environment by instituting environmental and cost effective changes.

Here are some of their main focuses:

Use a comprehensive recycling system for all products that are accepted by local recycling companies.
Free of polystyrene foam ("Styrofoam") products.
Commit to completing four Environmental Steps per year of membership. (refer to Environmental Guidelines)
Complete at least one Environmental Step after joining the GRA.

Small Steps to Change

2008-01-08T19:36:00.000-08:00

People seem to view the world's problems in a few ways. One option is to become so enraged and overwhelmed from the horrors of the world that as one of my teachers says, you end up on the couch watching survivor drinking a beer. Another option is to become avoidant and embittered to prevent from becoming entrenched in the horrors of the world. This also results in sitting with a beer watching survivor but with no emotional pains before. It is quite easy to just feel like shutting down when we try to ingest all the world's problems. The Secret is not so enlightening:

Change has to come in very small steps and is much stronger when it has the strength of a community behind it. We don't need to wait for a charismatic leader to step forward. Change can't hinge on the actions of one man.

Here I am dedicating this blog to outlining small steps to change.