Exposing myself to summer

I know that this doesn't really fit into my blog description including activism, change, etc. but in some ways it is transformative. What is more vulnerable then shedding clothes and exposing people to my white skin. Bathing suits can also be empowering if you feel good and sexy into them. I have never felt truly comfortable in a bathing suit. I have been okay with the top but I will always wear big skirts, etc and shade them just when Im about to jump in the pool. No matter how many crunches I will never have that beautiful flat stomach that I see on bathing suit models. Then I saw the bathing suit style Monokins and fell in love. They are like one pieces that want to be a bikini. Lots of sexy cut outs of material. A lot often cover some of the lower stomach but expose enough other skin to make it still a very sexy look. Here are some examples of suits that I like. I threw in a few one pieces too...













I'd love some advice for those that know me and my style, what would work best. I would be so excited to rock a suit and feel like a beautiful/sexy beach babe.

I'm Ready!

So I received notice this month that I have been selected as one of the recipients of a stipend provided by LA County Department of Menatl Health (DMH) in the sum of $18,500 to be given in one lump some in exchange for committing for one year to a DMH or DMH contracted facility in an identified high need geographic or service area. I went to an informational session today at Phillip Graduate's Institute and signed a contract agreeing to all the stipulations, etc. What they are providing is pretty amazing. I am in job search mode anyway since I've graduated and not only am I getting paid to look for a job but we are given lots of resources, support, and priority to land a DMH job. The only thing that is a little nerve racking is that I have only 3 months to get a job. If I haven't shown due diligence in trying to get a job in that time span then I have to fork back the money. If I should that I have made all efforts to get a DMH job than I could be awarded an extension. Well my plan is just to go for it and not spend a dime of the money until I get the job. The only other thing that is also a bit scary is if I get fired for perceived poor performance I have to give the money back also. If I'm laid off for budget reasons that is another situation and I would be able to keep the funds. This is an amazing opportunity and I think its the universe kind of telling me not to get too complacent in my routine/job and to start going out and kicking some butt to get a job in the field that I have been studying in for the last 2 years. I feel very blessed and am so amazed that this opportunity has come in exchange for very little effort initially on my part. I filled out an application and wrote some responses to some essay questions about why I would want to be in public mental health. That's it! So I got a lot of return on my buck. I will be recording my experiences in this and am going to really try everything in my power to utilize/maximize this opportunity as much as I can. The universe is calling and I am answering with a " YES I AM READY!"

Tentative Schedule for Rituals

April 24th will be my day to kick off for the rituals. I have started to create a schedule at least for the first week.

April 24th
Fire Ritual (Amy)
This ritual will consist of burning artifacts or slips of paper symbolizing things I want to let go of or bring into my life. I think that this would be a great way to start this thing off especially since fire is so symbolic for new beginings. It destroys but also creates a fertile group for new things to sprout up. I spoke to my friend Tanya who has a fire pit in her backyard and can be a witness for the ritual. I will be starting to collect and meditate on what I want to let go of and what I want to set intention to bring into my life.

April 25th
Mosaic (Holly)
My friend Holly is taking me to a Mosaic class which is one of her favorite mediums for expression. I need to think on what I want to create and I'm sure I will gain lots of inspiration from Holly who has done this for awhile. I am so excited that this will be a piece that I will be able to take with me.

April 26th
Reflection (Shannon)
I will seek out a quiet and peaceful place where I can do some reflection at. I have a list of activities to assist me in this reflection that Shannon has given me. I will share the results with all of you.

April 27th
Spread the Love (Kolleen)
This should be fun! I will have a pack of stickies and write "You are beautiful" and stick them all over. Ideas will be car windows, bathroom stalls, mirrors, etc. This will be interesting. I hope this will have a positive domino effect.

April 28th
Act like a kid (Kristine)
Pending good weather, I'll go to the park and run around playing, acting like a kid. Never want to get to serious about life.

April 29th
Dance class (Helena)
Helena wanted me to try a dance class that I've never done before. I've always wanted to do African ever since I saw a class and fell in love with how passionate it is. You have to throw your whole body into it. I scouted and think I have found the place where I will go for it. The dance place is called The Heart and Beat House http://heartbeathouse.com/. This studio might become my new home. They have such an abundance of fun and interesting classes, all in one place. There is an African dance class on April 29th that I think I will try first. Then I will be back to try more classes, perhaps Burlesque Ballet, 80's dance, Bellydancing, etc.

April 30th
Not sure yet, but thoughts are
Hiking to a new spot (Meg) or sunset hike (Kristen)
Travel somewhere new (Michelle)

Body cleanse

I really have always enjoyed reading and learning the rituals and traditions of other cultures. Native American rituals, pagan rituals, buddhist, hindu, etc... Prob why I am an Unitarian, I am a collector/"gleamer" looking for truth whereever it is.
In a lot of rituals or rites of passage, the individual goes through trials of purifying and pain. One tribe who worshipped the sun would have peole strung up from their pectoral muscles with arms outstreched out to the sun. Sweat lodges, vision quests, fasting. These are all ancient wisdoms that we have taken and modernized in a lot of ways.

The modern world aims at packaging spirituality, promising a profound transformation with a pill. I am not trying to throw up my nose at these practices. I leave myself open minded, but I wonder if following a spiritual fad such as fasting will turn out the way I want. I guess it is about altering my expectations. I don't feel like I can expect after a fast to be transported to the devine.

I used to work at Barnes and Noble and lost count of how many people would come in looking for the pamphlet on the master cleanse. I also live in Southern California so it shouldn't come to much of a surprise. Many nutritionalists believe that such fasts are dangerous as they don't give the body the needed nutrients. On a blog I was reading about the cleanse it actually had people going 2 weeks or more at a time on a diet of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. However some of this time was the easing in and out which allowed for some veggies, juice, broth at the begining and at the end. I am debating on doing this but perhaps for a shorter time then is suggested. The suggested is about 10 days for the beginner. I really can't see myself being able to hold out that long.

Here is the information:
http://themastercleanse.org/

I was thinking of buying a juicer that just does citrus fruit. I used to have a juicer that I got from my sister in law Kristine but I gave it away I believe because it was tough to use and hard to clean. Now I am kicking myself because they are soo expensive. $300 is not a bad price for a good juicer (Definitely can't do that) The citrus juicer is much better, around $15-20 instead. I am worried about the lack of energy that I heard you have, especially since I am usually very active during the week. The experiences range from other people's experiences so it is hard to gauge. I do have friends that have gone through fasts and feel like I need support and guidance through my first one. I am thinking of starting on Monday the
20th. Will start only eating vegetarian closer to the 20th and then will start with broth and juices. Then I will do the lemonade concotion for the rest of the week doing the salt flush prob on Sunday when I can be at home. I still need to find more information about it before I do this. I am hoping to find a sweat lodge or maybe I will look into places where they rent time in a sauna.

Clearing my mind of negativity.

So as part of the preperation for my 30th birthday I have set an intention to do a very very thorough spring cleaning. Not just of my home but of my body, soul, and mental state. It has been difficult to maintain motivation to do this. I have had the same box in a corner in my living room for weeks know which will go to good will once I have filled it to the brim. I am a grasper. I hold on to people, things, experiences, etc even when they no longer provide anything for me. It has been very freeing this year to start letting go of more and more in my life. It is very contradictory that although it is difficult for me to let go of things in my life, I also start to get a little stressed when I feel like I have too many things in my life. That can include material goods, responsibilities, etc. Even though my mind is pretty fantastic with multi tasking, I prefer not having to as it actually causes me to act like I a manic. Once I have let go of things it is incredible although somewhat anxiety provoking throughout the process. It is interesting for me to hear my thoughts surrounding my fear of letting go.

Letting go of people - Causes me to worry that I will be alone and unloved.

Letting go of responsibilities - People will think I am incompetent and that I have no value.

Letting go of material goods - I might need it and will be without.

Letting go of activities - They are what define me, I will be boring w/o them and unlovable.

It is so interesting to see these things written and understand that I truly believe these things to my bone. My negative "tape", or the messages that play in my mind when my insecurities rise up have significantly diminished.

Doubt can be like poison to my dreams. I am the one administrating my own poison when I direct negative thoughts and doubt towards myself. I think only by throwing myself into new situations with the chance to fail will I finally fully challenge these beliefs. Ultimately perhaps the best thing is for me to fail and realize that it isn't the end of my life as I suppose it will be. Part of me wants to stay back in the small safe world that I am in now. Even thought it is not giving me what I need or want, I feel I get some validation that I am good, that I can do something. I hope that one day I will look back at these writings and wonder wow, how could I have ever doubted myself so much? I am great at this thing! Part of my 30 rituals will be to write letters to myself at different ages. I do hope that I open the letter on my 40th b-day and laugh at all this, while secure in myself and what I have to offer.

My One Earth

So Earth day is coming up on April 22nd. Earth day has always meant a lot to me. When I was younger, it was planting trees and cleaning up my neighborhood. I have always felt this strong motivation to take care of the environment. I could barely say the word environmentalist but when I was younger I thought that was the job for me. My parents were supportive but also sometimes were upset about my actions. I would yell when I was little at people when they were littering, calling them pigs. A recent occurance happened when I was at a stop light and saw a guy opening his car door to throw out all of his trash. I look at him appalled and he proceeded to throw some of the trash as my car. I am trying to learn to be more reserved with my opinions. I can change my actions but not the actions of those around me. I will promote my beliefs through right action. One example of this is bringing re-usable grocery bags to the store. I have been doing pretty well with this for two years straight now! My hubbie kind of would scoff at this but now he will grab bags when he goes to the store. He actually bought one while he was at Hot Topic and throws it in his car to use it.
I bring a reusable coffee mug to work. No one else does but they stop to look at me and think about the possibily of doing this themselves. So at least it gets them thinking. Hahah we learn this as teenagers..if we are told we should or have to do something we won't.
I have an interesting opportunity at the Unitarian Universalist Church I go to where I am on the Social Action Committee. We are notifying members of the opportunities for Earth Day Events in the community that they can participate in. I maned the table last weekend to tell people about it and about Heal The Bay who we will be donating our collection to this coming weekend. If I talk to someone straight on about volunteering they run away pretty fast. It is such a delicate thing. How do you provide the information without making people feel like you will guilt them into it. This Sunday I will try again and this time I just want them to feel that I am available but am not trying to push them into anything. Perhaps I will move away enough so they know I am not going to pounce on them. I always hate when you are at a store and someone is right there watching you look at everything. It is so akward and I usually leave earlier than I've wanted to. I want to keep that image in my head when I'm at the volunteer table.

Talking about Earth Day I have decided on an event that I will participating in this year. It won't be on actually Earth Day. Couldn't find many opportunities for that but did find many opportunities the weekend before. http://planetgreen.discovery.com/ has many opportunities listed. What is great is that by volunteering you will also be able to get free admission to the music festival that they are putting on.

The event I will be attending is:

Griffith Park Tree Planting, Landscaping and Cleanup
Saturday, April 18, 2009

8:30am to 2pm

Come celebrate Earth Day and join with Green Apple Festival volunteers as we plant trees, landscape, and clean up a section of the park!

Griffith park was affected by the fire so we will be cleaning up that area and replanting. I actually haven't been to Griffith park yet, which is a fact that many people in CA are shocked at.



I am excited to get to be part of something bigger then myself. I always feel the best when I can let go of my individual life and clue in to the bigger needs of our world.

Thoughts on politics, #1

I was watching the Daily Show last night and John Stewart was responding to allegations and responses from conservatives that Obama is a tyrant and will take all of the rights away from the people. This comes after listening on the NPR that gun and ammo purchases are up since Obama was elected due to the fear that Obama will put stronger restrictions on gun purchases (good!! btw!)

John Stewarts response was hilarious. He named many of the atrocities that Bush initiated. As if Bush wasn't abusing the rights of the people by listening in on phone calls, pushing to even restrict womans' right to have birth control, restricting the opportunities to breakthrough medical treatment, invading countries without the backing from the people. John Stewart made the comment that what the conservatives were experiencing wasn't tyranny but defeat. The conservative party has been so long in power that they don't remember the feeling of not getting what they want. "Its supposed to taste like a shit taco," - John Stewart. What would it be like I wonder to drop some of these people in China or Iran and see how they define tyrany then.

How have things become so extremist between parties? I have been there I suppose, bitter, and angry about Bush's very long 8 years in office. I felt very distanced from my country in a lot of ways. I can understand that there will be extreme hesitation to accept the many changes that are and will be taking place. We can fight against it, pushing against a rock that won't budge or we can find our place in it. Where we are all needed the most to put effort forth to make the immense shift that we absolutely need! The fear that Bush planted into the earth of America will not wash away fast but we need to transform that fear and dare to have a little trust and faith.

For once I feel a budding of trust and faith about my government growing inside for the first time in a long time.