Friday, June 12, 2009

Feeling caged

Lately I feel like I am reacting instead of reflecting and responding. I've found myself snapping at people more versus slowing down and responding the way that I would like to. Its hurt some people's feelings. I think this happens when you are distracted with your own internal world versus really being in the moment, connected to your environment and those around you. I have been distracted lately because all of a sudden the clock ticked and I'm 30. I feel as if I have a lot to accomplish and achieve in a short period of time. This is not so. I have a long life ahead of me to enjoy and grow into. I want a new job and therefore am not being happy and present in the work that I am currently doing. I guess after 3 years at the same place and 6 in the same field I am allowed to feel a little bit antsy. There is a feeling of being closed in. I am reacting like a caged animal, snarling and ready to bite off finger tips of those unexpected hands that lean in too close. I dread being stuck in this mundane world but I know that is all about perspective. Like in yoga, mountain pose from an onlooker looks simple and unchallenging but if you are present in the pose and focus on grounding while stretching up, tucking your tailbone, and a series of other focus points then it does become challenging/rewarding. I need to bring that focus into my world and find things in my immediate space that inspire and challenge me.

Things will come and I have to have faith in that and not live in fear that I will be letting down myself or those around me if I do not accomplish everything that I have set for myself.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I just read your blog and was moved. I've not read anyone write something that completely summarized my feelings right now....Being 30 also, I have been working in my particular field for a while now and feel that time is closing in on me too...I hate it. I snap at people...(there is a huge history with them, one I can't go into right now) but it is unproductive....I feel sorry for them, but generally only because they won't or can't understand me. I know that probably sounds selfish, but I just want to be honest. I'm not perfect and won't claim to be. But I often wonder if that means I deserve everything that is happening to me now? Am I ever allowed to change it? Sorry if this is too much... But your words just caused me to write too... Thank you for them....