Monday, April 13, 2009

Clearing my mind of negativity.

So as part of the preperation for my 30th birthday I have set an intention to do a very very thorough spring cleaning. Not just of my home but of my body, soul, and mental state. It has been difficult to maintain motivation to do this. I have had the same box in a corner in my living room for weeks know which will go to good will once I have filled it to the brim. I am a grasper. I hold on to people, things, experiences, etc even when they no longer provide anything for me. It has been very freeing this year to start letting go of more and more in my life. It is very contradictory that although it is difficult for me to let go of things in my life, I also start to get a little stressed when I feel like I have too many things in my life. That can include material goods, responsibilities, etc. Even though my mind is pretty fantastic with multi tasking, I prefer not having to as it actually causes me to act like I a manic. Once I have let go of things it is incredible although somewhat anxiety provoking throughout the process. It is interesting for me to hear my thoughts surrounding my fear of letting go.

Letting go of people - Causes me to worry that I will be alone and unloved.

Letting go of responsibilities - People will think I am incompetent and that I have no value.

Letting go of material goods - I might need it and will be without.

Letting go of activities - They are what define me, I will be boring w/o them and unlovable.

It is so interesting to see these things written and understand that I truly believe these things to my bone. My negative "tape", or the messages that play in my mind when my insecurities rise up have significantly diminished.

Doubt can be like poison to my dreams. I am the one administrating my own poison when I direct negative thoughts and doubt towards myself. I think only by throwing myself into new situations with the chance to fail will I finally fully challenge these beliefs. Ultimately perhaps the best thing is for me to fail and realize that it isn't the end of my life as I suppose it will be. Part of me wants to stay back in the small safe world that I am in now. Even thought it is not giving me what I need or want, I feel I get some validation that I am good, that I can do something. I hope that one day I will look back at these writings and wonder wow, how could I have ever doubted myself so much? I am great at this thing! Part of my 30 rituals will be to write letters to myself at different ages. I do hope that I open the letter on my 40th b-day and laugh at all this, while secure in myself and what I have to offer.

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